Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi! It's the original OP here! So surprised to see this thread come up again. Well thought I'd give you all an update.

Two years later and sadly, nothing has changed. My husband and I still have no friends. I have tried so hard to make friends. For the last year or so, I've been focused on making friends at church and through my kids' friends moms. Neither has worked out at all.

At church, I took the initiative and started a small group. I thought this would be a good way to make friends, because I feel like I can't just sit and complain about not having any friends--I need to do something positive to try to fix the situation. So I saw a need for a small group and started one. The group was very popular and lots of people joined. The group meets monthly and I organize the activities every month with input from the group. I made some acquaintances but the problem is they're all one-sided friendships. For example, I invite these women to get together outside the group in order to build the friendship, like for lunch or to go to a church event, and they accept but have never invited me. We have a nice time together, but I can tell they're no interested in putting any energy into building a friendship. I make an effort to try to keep in touch occasionally (like a monthly text to say hi) and they respond but don't ever initiate keeping in touch with me. So after two years of this I'd call them casual acquaintances but not friends, since there is no reciprocation. They have never invited me to do anything. Eventually I stopped asking them and now I just see them at the monthly group, where we are friendly but not friends.

I also tried really hard to make friends with some moms from school. Things seemed promising at first with one mom--my son's best friend from last year. At first it went well and I thought I finally had made a reciprocal friendship--she did show interest, invite me places and she did text with me in-between to stay in touch. This lasted for about 5 months before she dropped me as a friend. They were new to the area (just moved here) and didn't know anyone, so at first she was eager to make friends, and it was convenient for her since her son and my son were best friends. Soon, however, this other mom started making other friends and then faded me out. I started hearing from her less and less and when I would initiative get-togethers with her she would start to decline (whereas before she was really eager to meet up) and say "I'm so busy, maybe check back in in a few months" wheres we would meet up monthly before. Eventually I stopped hearing from her altogether so sadly that friendship faded out. Our sons are still friends though.

My husband started a new job and made a male friend from work. We invited them over this past winter for dinner at our house. They never reciprocated, though he and my husband hang out at work and go to happy hour together occasionally. So at least he has a work friend.

I still have no friends. It was very apparent to me about how isolated we are when I had to have surgery this past spring and I told multiple acquaintances and no one offered any support, no one brought a meal, no one checked in, nothing. Even my mother in law knew and she didn't say a word to me about the surgery or ask how it was. That was disappointing and depressing.

We had a great summer, lots of fun travel and fun experiences for our family, but no one invited us to do anything all summer, no BBQs, no playdates, no pool parties. I scheduled a few playdates for my kids that were not reciprocated, and I noticed that the moms didn't even come--they sent their husbands to stay for the playdate. So all in all it was a disappointing summer socially.

I keep trying to put myself out there, take the initiative, and make friends but it has been completely unsuccessful. I see a therapist weekly about this issue, and I have started volunteering somewhere as well, hoping to make friends that way. At this point I pretty much have no hope that we will ever make friends here. After our kids graduate, we plan to move out of the area to a friendlier area.

Is all of this true? How can you not read this and consider maybe you and your husband are the problem. I mean it's a pattern of behavior for decades, tons of different groups of people, and the same outcome? That said, as long as you and your husband love each other, and your kids are happy and healthy, things could be a lot worse. I'd personally focus your efforts on old family. Life is short.

The whole thing reads like a ChatGPT response.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.

I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.

This is spot on. We have neighbors who everyone is polite to, but are hated behind their backs. The wife is a terrible gossip and the husband is one of the most self-centered people I’ve ever met. And the funniest thing is that they don’t know how everyone feels. They think they’re well liked.

ugh you sound terrible.

Howdy neighbor!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

Well I found it helpful and gave me food for thought. I feel very isolated and lonely and struggle to make friends despite easily having friends and an active social life up until my 40s.

So what happened to all those people? You had friends until you were 40 so why don't you have those same friends now?

Half my friends are people I've known for decades (and I grew up on the west coast and now live on the east coast). The other half I've known 5+ years. I don't get how you just abandon old friends?

Have you heard of...moving? It's very disruptive!

You can keep in touch with long distance friends but it fundamentally changes the friendship and its role in your life.

[Anonymous]

I am a loner and an introvert. And I have one best friend I speak with once a month. I called my brother occasionally as well. I have my kids 50% of the time..frankly that's all I need as far as human social interactions

Are there people worse than me? Like people with ZERO friends. That's impossible.

Even if you a loner you need at least one person you talk to even if it's once every 3 months. Living in total isolation from other human beings is very harmful to your mental health.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

Isn't your loyalty to your spouse and DC? You feel ok talkimg about them behind their backs?

What a weird question. What do you mean about loyalty? I can't talk to my best friend about something I'm dealing with regarding my husband and children because I'm not allowed to say anything about them behind their backs? When my husband is having a hard time with something at work I can't ask my friend what I could do to support him? When my kids are struggling with something at school I can't talk to my friend about it? What a sad life you must lead if you feel that way.

Why so mean? You're hardly a poster child for the happy life, PP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.

I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.

This is spot on. We have neighbors who everyone is polite to, but are hated behind their backs. The wife is a terrible gossip and the husband is one of the most self-centered people I’ve ever met. And the funniest thing is that they don’t know how everyone feels. They think they’re well liked.

ugh you sound terrible.

Howdy neighbor!

Guess what, you are the neighbor PP, complete with lacking the self awareness to see how ugly you seem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

I'm sure you don't have a close relationship with your DH. Unless he enjoys being gossiped about which is doubtful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Hi! It's the original OP here! So surprised to see this thread come up again. Well thought I'd give you all an update.

Two years later and sadly, nothing has changed. My husband and I still have no friends. I have tried so hard to make friends. For the last year or so, I've been focused on making friends at church and through my kids' friends moms. Neither has worked out at all.

At church, I took the initiative and started a small group. I thought this would be a good way to make friends, because I feel like I can't just sit and complain about not having any friends--I need to do something positive to try to fix the situation. So I saw a need for a small group and started one. The group was very popular and lots of people joined. The group meets monthly and I organize the activities every month with input from the group. I made some acquaintances but the problem is they're all one-sided friendships. For example, I invite these women to get together outside the group in order to build the friendship, like for lunch or to go to a church event, and they accept but have never invited me. We have a nice time together, but I can tell they're no interested in putting any energy into building a friendship. I make an effort to try to keep in touch occasionally (like a monthly text to say hi) and they respond but don't ever initiate keeping in touch with me. So after two years of this I'd call them casual acquaintances but not friends, since there is no reciprocation. They have never invited me to do anything. Eventually I stopped asking them and now I just see them at the monthly group, where we are friendly but not friends.

I also tried really hard to make friends with some moms from school. Things seemed promising at first with one mom--my son's best friend from last year. At first it went well and I thought I finally had made a reciprocal friendship--she did show interest, invite me places and she did text with me in-between to stay in touch. This lasted for about 5 months before she dropped me as a friend. They were new to the area (just moved here) and didn't know anyone, so at first she was eager to make friends, and it was convenient for her since her son and my son were best friends. Soon, however, this other mom started making other friends and then faded me out. I started hearing from her less and less and when I would initiative get-togethers with her she would start to decline (whereas before she was really eager to meet up) and say "I'm so busy, maybe check back in in a few months" wheres we would meet up monthly before. Eventually I stopped hearing from her altogether so sadly that friendship faded out. Our sons are still friends though.

My husband started a new job and made a male friend from work. We invited them over this past winter for dinner at our house. They never reciprocated, though he and my husband hang out at work and go to happy hour together occasionally. So at least he has a work friend.

I still have no friends. It was very apparent to me about how isolated we are when I had to have surgery this past spring and I told multiple acquaintances and no one offered any support, no one brought a meal, no one checked in, nothing. Even my mother in law knew and she didn't say a word to me about the surgery or ask how it was. That was disappointing and depressing.

We had a great summer, lots of fun travel and fun experiences for our family, but no one invited us to do anything all summer, no BBQs, no playdates, no pool parties. I scheduled a few playdates for my kids that were not reciprocated, and I noticed that the moms didn't even come--they sent their husbands to stay for the playdate. So all in all it was a disappointing summer socially.

I keep trying to put myself out there, take the initiative, and make friends but it has been completely unsuccessful. I see a therapist weekly about this issue, and I have started volunteering somewhere as well, hoping to make friends that way. At this point I pretty much have no hope that we will ever make friends here. After our kids graduate, we plan to move out of the area to a friendlier area.

Is all of this true? How can you not read this and consider maybe you and your husband are the problem. I mean it's a pattern of behavior for decades, tons of different groups of people, and the same outcome? That said, as long as you and your husband love each other, and your kids are happy and healthy, things could be a lot worse. I'd personally focus your efforts on old family. Life is short.

I’m curious how OP feels about parenting?

I have also struggled with friendships but did not earlier in life. Now I’m in my 40s with young kids and find it’s been a year since I’ve been invited for a party or been to dinner with a friend.

My hunch is that I’m not that focused on children or kids’ activities and I come across as weird. I mostly dislike motherhood, resent what I have lost because of it (freedom, my body, career growth, friendships) and I think even if I try to hide it, it comes through.

I recently spent time with a friend who did not marry or have children and she runs around in a group of other women who have not married or had kids. I felt way more comfortable and realized if I didn’t have kids, I’d likely have some friends and an active social life. I wish I fit in better with suburban moms, but I do not and don’t know what to change. By the time I figure it out it will probably be time to retire and move anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

Well I found it helpful and gave me food for thought. I feel very isolated and lonely and struggle to make friends despite easily having friends and an active social life up until my 40s.

So what happened to all those people? You had friends until you were 40 so why don't you have those same friends now?

Half my friends are people I've known for decades (and I grew up on the west coast and now live on the east coast). The other half I've known 5+ years. I don't get how you just abandon old friends?

Have you heard of...moving? It's very disruptive!

You can keep in touch with long distance friends but it fundamentally changes the friendship and its role in your life.

Have you head of...reading? I said I grew up on the west coast and now live on the east coast. In other words, I have moved.

I make an effort to both keep in touch with and to see my long-distance friends. You don't have to do the same, but then it's no wonder you have no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

I'm sure you don't have a close relationship with your DH. Unless he enjoys being gossiped about which is doubtful.

Right, because there's no way to discuss a situation with a friend that isn't considered gossiping. Ok.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?

OP, I am an immigrant. In my culture, the unwritten rules of social behavior is hospitality, inclusivity and reciprocity. If I invite someone from my culture (and I don't have to know them well to invite them) for a meal, they will reciprocate at least within a month or two. Getting to know each other happens over a dinner at the host's home. Cliques are discouraged and you are polite to and inclusive with even the people you don't particularly get along with.

When I immigrated here, it was shocking to me that while my neighbors and other acquaintances would attend meals at our home - there was no reciprocity or even acknowledgement the next time they met us. I had to make a decision about how I would engage with them going forward. The easiest thing is to go out for a meal with them and everyone pays for their own meal. I have three types of friends now - a) group of friends or individuals, from my own culture who will attend and host parties and will show up if we need help, b) Americans (usually individuals) that I am close to and we meet periodically taking turns to treat each other and c) acquaintances that I will host on a low budget/low effort event, or arrange group outings for them.

The burden to host the "c" group is always on me. I do it with compassion because that is how they are socialized.
The reality is that living in the US is hard. No one has the bandwidth, money, time, manners, skills, EQ to host or spend time on making friendships. And yes, I too have observed that either you are part of a drinking culture and have partying friends or not. This is not true of my culture. You will serve drinks to your guests (even if you don't drink) if it is an occasion where alcohol can be served. If it is a religious kind of event - no booze will be served.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

I'm sure you don't have a close relationship with your DH. Unless he enjoys being gossiped about which is doubtful.

Right, because there's no way to discuss a situation with a friend that isn't considered gossiping. Ok.

We're talking about close friendships, like the kind we had when we were young. The kind where you confide in others and it's so amazing. Not banal chitchat among suburban moms, which I'm sorry is not at all believable. I know you're on DCUM but you and "all your friends" discussing everything in your lives just come off as shallow and frankly made up. No one is that cardboard cutout.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?

OP, I am an immigrant. In my culture, the unwritten rules of social behavior is hospitality, inclusivity and reciprocity. If I invite someone from my culture (and I don't have to know them well to invite them) for a meal, they will reciprocate at least within a month or two. Getting to know each other happens over a dinner at the host's home. Cliques are discouraged and you are polite to and inclusive with even the people you don't particularly get along with.

When I immigrated here, it was shocking to me that while my neighbors and other acquaintances would attend meals at our home - there was no reciprocity or even acknowledgement the next time they met us. I had to make a decision about how I would engage with them going forward. The easiest thing is to go out for a meal with them and everyone pays for their own meal. I have three types of friends now - a) group of friends or individuals, from my own culture who will attend and host parties and will show up if we need help, b) Americans (usually individuals) that I am close to and we meet periodically taking turns to treat each other and c) acquaintances that I will host on a low budget/low effort event, or arrange group outings for them.

The burden to host the "c" group is always on me. I do it with compassion because that is how they are socialized.
The reality is that living in the US is hard. No one has the bandwidth, money, time, manners, skills, EQ to host or spend time on making friendships. And yes, I too have observed that either you are part of a drinking culture and have partying friends or not. This is not true of my culture. You will serve drinks to your guests (even if you don't drink) if it is an occasion where alcohol can be served. If it is a religious kind of event - no booze will be served.

Do you get the impression that people here even want to make friends?

I’d love to make friends in my area but I feel like people are very standoffish and only want to hang with their own families. Time seems to be spent driving kids around or going on vacations.

I hate that I’ll likely live another decade without any friends besides my spouse, but I can’t make someone be friends with me. I’ve more or less given up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?

OP, I am an immigrant. In my culture, the unwritten rules of social behavior is hospitality, inclusivity and reciprocity. If I invite someone from my culture (and I don't have to know them well to invite them) for a meal, they will reciprocate at least within a month or two. Getting to know each other happens over a dinner at the host's home. Cliques are discouraged and you are polite to and inclusive with even the people you don't particularly get along with.

When I immigrated here, it was shocking to me that while my neighbors and other acquaintances would attend meals at our home - there was no reciprocity or even acknowledgement the next time they met us. I had to make a decision about how I would engage with them going forward. The easiest thing is to go out for a meal with them and everyone pays for their own meal. I have three types of friends now - a) group of friends or individuals, from my own culture who will attend and host parties and will show up if we need help, b) Americans (usually individuals) that I am close to and we meet periodically taking turns to treat each other and c) acquaintances that I will host on a low budget/low effort event, or arrange group outings for them.

The burden to host the "c" group is always on me. I do it with compassion because that is how they are socialized.
The reality is that living in the US is hard. No one has the bandwidth, money, time, manners, skills, EQ to host or spend time on making friendships. And yes, I too have observed that either you are part of a drinking culture and have partying friends or not. This is not true of my culture. You will serve drinks to your guests (even if you don't drink) if it is an occasion where alcohol can be served. If it is a religious kind of event - no booze will be served.

Do you get the impression that people here even want to make friends?

I’d love to make friends in my area but I feel like people are very standoffish and only want to hang with their own families. Time seems to be spent driving kids around or going on vacations.

I hate that I’ll likely live another decade without any friends besides my spouse, but I can’t make someone be friends with me. I’ve more or less given up.

I think most people here have FOMO that they don't have friends, family, social network, parties to attend, groups to hang out with during holidays etc. But, they also don't want to do the hard work of making friends, being open minded, participating, showing up for others or inconveniencing themselves. People lack manners and patience. They are not accepting of others.

Most do not want to spend money on others to host them, most cannot clean up their homes to invite people, most homes are not set up to host, most do not know how to organize get-togethers, most do not know how to cook, most people are awkward, most people have dysfunctional households, most don't know how to be good hosts and good guests. When it comes to married couples without kids - I have often seen that one person in the realtionship clearly shows that they are unhappy to be attending parties etc. There is always a strongly anti-social and rude partner among couples. Are they all medicated?

[Anonymous]

OP you and your husband sound like weirdos. No wonder you both are friendless.