Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

What? Weird. My husband and I both have a best friend. I've known mine for almost 30 years. I do put time and effort into our relationship because we are busy (we both work full-time, both have two kids, and we live about 4 hours apart), but that's what friendships require. Of course I focus on my own family, as well as my husband, but that doesn't mean I can't also have a best friend! My parents were the same.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I empathize with you but you're projecting a lot of assumptions onto two couples you don't even know. They probably just have enough family and friends and don't yearn for more. They're busy, they're content. Just because you live near someone doesn't mean you're automatic besties.

One of the families, possibly, but seems safe to assume limited as they said they don’t use babysitters. The other family does not have any local friends and doesn’t socialize. I know this because her husband is friends with someone I know and he has talked about how she doesn’t socialize or have any friends.

How old are their kids? We are very lucky to live in a neighborhood with sidewalks and tons of families with kids within 4 years of ours (older and younger). We socialize a lot with the kids, so no one needs babysitters. And once the kids get older we socialize with the adults but the kids are at someone's house (or at home) down the block. My husband and I absolutely do use babysitters and always have, so I have no problem with them, we just haven't used them nearly as much as my parents did when I was growing up because we bring our kids to more activities or like I said can leave them at home since we're nearby.

[Anonymous]

Hi! It's the original OP here! So surprised to see this thread come up again. Well thought I'd give you all an update.

Two years later and sadly, nothing has changed. My husband and I still have no friends. I have tried so hard to make friends. For the last year or so, I've been focused on making friends at church and through my kids' friends moms. Neither has worked out at all.

At church, I took the initiative and started a small group. I thought this would be a good way to make friends, because I feel like I can't just sit and complain about not having any friends--I need to do something positive to try to fix the situation. So I saw a need for a small group and started one. The group was very popular and lots of people joined. The group meets monthly and I organize the activities every month with input from the group. I made some acquaintances but the problem is they're all one-sided friendships. For example, I invite these women to get together outside the group in order to build the friendship, like for lunch or to go to a church event, and they accept but have never invited me. We have a nice time together, but I can tell they're no interested in putting any energy into building a friendship. I make an effort to try to keep in touch occasionally (like a monthly text to say hi) and they respond but don't ever initiate keeping in touch with me. So after two years of this I'd call them casual acquaintances but not friends, since there is no reciprocation. They have never invited me to do anything. Eventually I stopped asking them and now I just see them at the monthly group, where we are friendly but not friends.

I also tried really hard to make friends with some moms from school. Things seemed promising at first with one mom--my son's best friend from last year. At first it went well and I thought I finally had made a reciprocal friendship--she did show interest, invite me places and she did text with me in-between to stay in touch. This lasted for about 5 months before she dropped me as a friend. They were new to the area (just moved here) and didn't know anyone, so at first she was eager to make friends, and it was convenient for her since her son and my son were best friends. Soon, however, this other mom started making other friends and then faded me out. I started hearing from her less and less and when I would initiative get-togethers with her she would start to decline (whereas before she was really eager to meet up) and say "I'm so busy, maybe check back in in a few months" wheres we would meet up monthly before. Eventually I stopped hearing from her altogether so sadly that friendship faded out. Our sons are still friends though.

My husband started a new job and made a male friend from work. We invited them over this past winter for dinner at our house. They never reciprocated, though he and my husband hang out at work and go to happy hour together occasionally. So at least he has a work friend.

I still have no friends. It was very apparent to me about how isolated we are when I had to have surgery this past spring and I told multiple acquaintances and no one offered any support, no one brought a meal, no one checked in, nothing. Even my mother in law knew and she didn't say a word to me about the surgery or ask how it was. That was disappointing and depressing.

We had a great summer, lots of fun travel and fun experiences for our family, but no one invited us to do anything all summer, no BBQs, no playdates, no pool parties. I scheduled a few playdates for my kids that were not reciprocated, and I noticed that the moms didn't even come--they sent their husbands to stay for the playdate. So all in all it was a disappointing summer socially.

I keep trying to put myself out there, take the initiative, and make friends but it has been completely unsuccessful. I see a therapist weekly about this issue, and I have started volunteering somewhere as well, hoping to make friends that way. At this point I pretty much have no hope that we will ever make friends here. After our kids graduate, we plan to move out of the area to a friendlier area.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.

I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.

This is spot on. We have neighbors who everyone is polite to, but are hated behind their backs. The wife is a terrible gossip and the husband is one of the most self-centered people I’ve ever met. And the funniest thing is that they don’t know how everyone feels. They think they’re well liked.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi! It's the original OP here! So surprised to see this thread come up again. Well thought I'd give you all an update.

Two years later and sadly, nothing has changed. My husband and I still have no friends. I have tried so hard to make friends. For the last year or so, I've been focused on making friends at church and through my kids' friends moms. Neither has worked out at all.

At church, I took the initiative and started a small group. I thought this would be a good way to make friends, because I feel like I can't just sit and complain about not having any friends--I need to do something positive to try to fix the situation. So I saw a need for a small group and started one. The group was very popular and lots of people joined. The group meets monthly and I organize the activities every month with input from the group. I made some acquaintances but the problem is they're all one-sided friendships. For example, I invite these women to get together outside the group in order to build the friendship, like for lunch or to go to a church event, and they accept but have never invited me. We have a nice time together, but I can tell they're no interested in putting any energy into building a friendship. I make an effort to try to keep in touch occasionally (like a monthly text to say hi) and they respond but don't ever initiate keeping in touch with me. So after two years of this I'd call them casual acquaintances but not friends, since there is no reciprocation. They have never invited me to do anything. Eventually I stopped asking them and now I just see them at the monthly group, where we are friendly but not friends.

I also tried really hard to make friends with some moms from school. Things seemed promising at first with one mom--my son's best friend from last year. At first it went well and I thought I finally had made a reciprocal friendship--she did show interest, invite me places and she did text with me in-between to stay in touch. This lasted for about 5 months before she dropped me as a friend. They were new to the area (just moved here) and didn't know anyone, so at first she was eager to make friends, and it was convenient for her since her son and my son were best friends. Soon, however, this other mom started making other friends and then faded me out. I started hearing from her less and less and when I would initiative get-togethers with her she would start to decline (whereas before she was really eager to meet up) and say "I'm so busy, maybe check back in in a few months" wheres we would meet up monthly before. Eventually I stopped hearing from her altogether so sadly that friendship faded out. Our sons are still friends though.

My husband started a new job and made a male friend from work. We invited them over this past winter for dinner at our house. They never reciprocated, though he and my husband hang out at work and go to happy hour together occasionally. So at least he has a work friend.

I still have no friends. It was very apparent to me about how isolated we are when I had to have surgery this past spring and I told multiple acquaintances and no one offered any support, no one brought a meal, no one checked in, nothing. Even my mother in law knew and she didn't say a word to me about the surgery or ask how it was. That was disappointing and depressing.

We had a great summer, lots of fun travel and fun experiences for our family, but no one invited us to do anything all summer, no BBQs, no playdates, no pool parties. I scheduled a few playdates for my kids that were not reciprocated, and I noticed that the moms didn't even come--they sent their husbands to stay for the playdate. So all in all it was a disappointing summer socially.

I keep trying to put myself out there, take the initiative, and make friends but it has been completely unsuccessful. I see a therapist weekly about this issue, and I have started volunteering somewhere as well, hoping to make friends that way. At this point I pretty much have no hope that we will ever make friends here. After our kids graduate, we plan to move out of the area to a friendlier area.

I’m sorry, OP. I’ve had a similar experience and it does make me very sad. I also struggle to understand what I’m doing wrong since during other phases of my life I had plenty of friends and a very active social life.

I do think it’s important to choose a retirement location that is social and where it will be easy to make friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

Isn't your loyalty to your spouse and DC? You feel ok talkimg about them behind their backs?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.

I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.

This is spot on. We have neighbors who everyone is polite to, but are hated behind their backs. The wife is a terrible gossip and the husband is one of the most self-centered people I’ve ever met. And the funniest thing is that they don’t know how everyone feels. They think they’re well liked.

ugh you sound terrible.

[Anonymous]

Scratch beneath the surface and many people who seem normal are f'd up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.

I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.

This. Even weird people have friends. I'm a bit autistic, a little too blunt, can't read the room for $hit. (I've embarrassed my husband with my inability to read the room) But I try to be kind and thoughtful as well as maintaining connections with people. And I feel as if I have a few good friends and a large number of social connections with whom I connect occasionally and could be better friends if I were to put in the effort.

Literally if you try, you will make friends. Somebody else wrote "invite, invite, invite!" and that is true. You need to reach out to people. Over and over and over again so you have a history with somebody.

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I find it odd that you keep such close tabs on your neighbors. How do you have no idea they're not grabbing lunch without you? My immediate neighbors may know when we host things at our house, if they're paying attention, but they have no idea what my plans for today are since they involve being out of my house.

+1. Creepy af. And then wonders why she has no friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Hi! It's the original OP here! So surprised to see this thread come up again. Well thought I'd give you all an update.

Two years later and sadly, nothing has changed. My husband and I still have no friends. I have tried so hard to make friends. For the last year or so, I've been focused on making friends at church and through my kids' friends moms. Neither has worked out at all.

At church, I took the initiative and started a small group. I thought this would be a good way to make friends, because I feel like I can't just sit and complain about not having any friends--I need to do something positive to try to fix the situation. So I saw a need for a small group and started one. The group was very popular and lots of people joined. The group meets monthly and I organize the activities every month with input from the group. I made some acquaintances but the problem is they're all one-sided friendships. For example, I invite these women to get together outside the group in order to build the friendship, like for lunch or to go to a church event, and they accept but have never invited me. We have a nice time together, but I can tell they're no interested in putting any energy into building a friendship. I make an effort to try to keep in touch occasionally (like a monthly text to say hi) and they respond but don't ever initiate keeping in touch with me. So after two years of this I'd call them casual acquaintances but not friends, since there is no reciprocation. They have never invited me to do anything. Eventually I stopped asking them and now I just see them at the monthly group, where we are friendly but not friends.

I also tried really hard to make friends with some moms from school. Things seemed promising at first with one mom--my son's best friend from last year. At first it went well and I thought I finally had made a reciprocal friendship--she did show interest, invite me places and she did text with me in-between to stay in touch. This lasted for about 5 months before she dropped me as a friend. They were new to the area (just moved here) and didn't know anyone, so at first she was eager to make friends, and it was convenient for her since her son and my son were best friends. Soon, however, this other mom started making other friends and then faded me out. I started hearing from her less and less and when I would initiative get-togethers with her she would start to decline (whereas before she was really eager to meet up) and say "I'm so busy, maybe check back in in a few months" wheres we would meet up monthly before. Eventually I stopped hearing from her altogether so sadly that friendship faded out. Our sons are still friends though.

My husband started a new job and made a male friend from work. We invited them over this past winter for dinner at our house. They never reciprocated, though he and my husband hang out at work and go to happy hour together occasionally. So at least he has a work friend.

I still have no friends. It was very apparent to me about how isolated we are when I had to have surgery this past spring and I told multiple acquaintances and no one offered any support, no one brought a meal, no one checked in, nothing. Even my mother in law knew and she didn't say a word to me about the surgery or ask how it was. That was disappointing and depressing.

We had a great summer, lots of fun travel and fun experiences for our family, but no one invited us to do anything all summer, no BBQs, no playdates, no pool parties. I scheduled a few playdates for my kids that were not reciprocated, and I noticed that the moms didn't even come--they sent their husbands to stay for the playdate. So all in all it was a disappointing summer socially.

I keep trying to put myself out there, take the initiative, and make friends but it has been completely unsuccessful. I see a therapist weekly about this issue, and I have started volunteering somewhere as well, hoping to make friends that way. At this point I pretty much have no hope that we will ever make friends here. After our kids graduate, we plan to move out of the area to a friendlier area.

Is all of this true? How can you not read this and consider maybe you and your husband are the problem. I mean it's a pattern of behavior for decades, tons of different groups of people, and the same outcome? That said, as long as you and your husband love each other, and your kids are happy and healthy, things could be a lot worse. I'd personally focus your efforts on old family. Life is short.

[Anonymous]

old extended* family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

Isn't your loyalty to your spouse and DC? You feel ok talkimg about them behind their backs?

What a weird question. What do you mean about loyalty? I can't talk to my best friend about something I'm dealing with regarding my husband and children because I'm not allowed to say anything about them behind their backs? When my husband is having a hard time with something at work I can't ask my friend what I could do to support him? When my kids are struggling with something at school I can't talk to my friend about it? What a sad life you must lead if you feel that way.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?