Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your husband sound like weirdos. No wonder you both are friendless.

What a mean comment. In any case, plenty of weird people have friends!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?

OP, I am an immigrant. In my culture, the unwritten rules of social behavior is hospitality, inclusivity and reciprocity. If I invite someone from my culture (and I don't have to know them well to invite them) for a meal, they will reciprocate at least within a month or two. Getting to know each other happens over a dinner at the host's home. Cliques are discouraged and you are polite to and inclusive with even the people you don't particularly get along with.

When I immigrated here, it was shocking to me that while my neighbors and other acquaintances would attend meals at our home - there was no reciprocity or even acknowledgement the next time they met us. I had to make a decision about how I would engage with them going forward. The easiest thing is to go out for a meal with them and everyone pays for their own meal. I have three types of friends now - a) group of friends or individuals, from my own culture who will attend and host parties and will show up if we need help, b) Americans (usually individuals) that I am close to and we meet periodically taking turns to treat each other and c) acquaintances that I will host on a low budget/low effort event, or arrange group outings for them.

The burden to host the "c" group is always on me. I do it with compassion because that is how they are socialized.
The reality is that living in the US is hard. No one has the bandwidth, money, time, manners, skills, EQ to host or spend time on making friendships. And yes, I too have observed that either you are part of a drinking culture and have partying friends or not. This is not true of my culture. You will serve drinks to your guests (even if you don't drink) if it is an occasion where alcohol can be served. If it is a religious kind of event - no booze will be served.

Do you get the impression that people here even want to make friends?

I’d love to make friends in my area but I feel like people are very standoffish and only want to hang with their own families. Time seems to be spent driving kids around or going on vacations.

I hate that I’ll likely live another decade without any friends besides my spouse, but I can’t make someone be friends with me. I’ve more or less given up.

I think most people here have FOMO that they don't have friends, family, social network, parties to attend, groups to hang out with during holidays etc. But, they also don't want to do the hard work of making friends, being open minded, participating, showing up for others or inconveniencing themselves. People lack manners and patience. They are not accepting of others.

Most do not want to spend money on others to host them, most cannot clean up their homes to invite people, most homes are not set up to host, most do not know how to organize get-togethers, most do not know how to cook, most people are awkward, most people have dysfunctional households, most don't know how to be good hosts and good guests. When it comes to married couples without kids - I have often seen that one person in the realtionship clearly shows that they are unhappy to be attending parties etc. There is always a strongly anti-social and rude partner among couples. Are they all medicated?

I think a lot of Americans are friends with their phone.

[Anonymous]

We started out with few friends (three of them homeless/unhoused) and have ended up with even fewer, although two of the homeless remain. The problem is to do with DH who a few years back started an apparel business that he said was going to blow up bigly but it has not. The idea was to "flip the script on a traditional clothing staple in a new and innovative way that surprises and delights customers." That language comes from his business plan. But even though he had three thousand of these things made, he was unable to sell more than a dozen or so. Part of it is that he is anti online merchandising and refused to have any kind of website or online presents. The product had to be sold in person "direct" and promoted only by word of mouth, "friends telling friends."
We lost all our savings and because that meant we had to start stealing from people while housesitting, many friends declared us personas non grata. While one couple was on vacation, DH tried to sell their home (for cash) to two young men who were in a truck collecting household items for the Lupus Society. They called the police and we had some explaining to do. lol. As he says a friend with a bush is worth two in the hand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP you and your husband sound like weirdos. No wonder you both are friendless.

What a mean comment. In any case, plenty of weird people have friends!

Weirdness is a great bonding factor! I love my neighborhood D&D group.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?

OP, I am an immigrant. In my culture, the unwritten rules of social behavior is hospitality, inclusivity and reciprocity. If I invite someone from my culture (and I don't have to know them well to invite them) for a meal, they will reciprocate at least within a month or two. Getting to know each other happens over a dinner at the host's home. Cliques are discouraged and you are polite to and inclusive with even the people you don't particularly get along with.

When I immigrated here, it was shocking to me that while my neighbors and other acquaintances would attend meals at our home - there was no reciprocity or even acknowledgement the next time they met us. I had to make a decision about how I would engage with them going forward. The easiest thing is to go out for a meal with them and everyone pays for their own meal. I have three types of friends now - a) group of friends or individuals, from my own culture who will attend and host parties and will show up if we need help, b) Americans (usually individuals) that I am close to and we meet periodically taking turns to treat each other and c) acquaintances that I will host on a low budget/low effort event, or arrange group outings for them.

The burden to host the "c" group is always on me. I do it with compassion because that is how they are socialized.
The reality is that living in the US is hard. No one has the bandwidth, money, time, manners, skills, EQ to host or spend time on making friendships. And yes, I too have observed that either you are part of a drinking culture and have partying friends or not. This is not true of my culture. You will serve drinks to your guests (even if you don't drink) if it is an occasion where alcohol can be served. If it is a religious kind of event - no booze will be served.

Do you get the impression that people here even want to make friends?

I’d love to make friends in my area but I feel like people are very standoffish and only want to hang with their own families. Time seems to be spent driving kids around or going on vacations.

I hate that I’ll likely live another decade without any friends besides my spouse, but I can’t make someone be friends with me. I’ve more or less given up.

I think most people here have FOMO that they don't have friends, family, social network, parties to attend, groups to hang out with during holidays etc. But, they also don't want to do the hard work of making friends, being open minded, participating, showing up for others or inconveniencing themselves. People lack manners and patience. They are not accepting of others.

Most do not want to spend money on others to host them, most cannot clean up their homes to invite people, most homes are not set up to host, most do not know how to organize get-togethers, most do not know how to cook, most people are awkward, most people have dysfunctional households, most don't know how to be good hosts and good guests. When it comes to married couples without kids - I have often seen that one person in the realtionship clearly shows that they are unhappy to be attending parties etc. There is always a strongly anti-social and rude partner among couples. Are they all medicated?

Gee, I wonder why you can’t make friends.

[Anonymous]

I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

This makes me sad. Being casual friends with your neighbors can bring some joy to life and make everyday living fun. First off, it’s easy and convenient. You can casually get together or grab drinks without having to drive somewhere. It’s fun for children and it’s good to build a sense of community.

Keeping your family isolated is teaching your kids that community doesn’t matter and you don’t care about other people. You don’t realize you’re teaching them this, but you are.

I have some neighbors who come and go and have not made a single friend in the neighborhood and I think it’s bizarre they will spend 15-20 years of their life here and one day drive away without having made a single connection.

A lifestyle where you work on your computer on Teams and only hang with your spouse and kids is self-limiting and not much fun.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

That is so sad to me. You don't have any friends you could discuss your marriage and children with? That idea is so foreign to me. My friends and I all rely on each other and listen and support each other with everything we're going through. What a depressingly isolated way to live if you don't talk to people about your life! And I'm an introvert, by the way.

I'm sure you don't have a close relationship with your DH. Unless he enjoys being gossiped about which is doubtful.

Right, because there's no way to discuss a situation with a friend that isn't considered gossiping. Ok.

We're talking about close friendships, like the kind we had when we were young. The kind where you confide in others and it's so amazing. Not banal chitchat among suburban moms, which I'm sorry is not at all believable. I know you're on DCUM but you and "all your friends" discussing everything in your lives just come off as shallow and frankly made up. No one is that cardboard cutout.

Actually, what we're talking about, if you can pay attention, is the poster who said that no adults have best friends. I called BS on that. I do have a best friend, as does my husband. I also have other close friends with whom I would absolutely discuss my life, including my husband and children. So yeah, some of us manage to maintain close relationships where you confide in others and it's so amazing even when we're adults. Sorry you don't have that. You can disbelieve me all you want, it doesn't change my life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, it's interesting to hear back from you! Good for you for making those efforts. I think you may be being a bit too hard on yourself and others by calling them completely unsuccessful though. You DID create a successful group, and have organized some friendly get together for yourself and your family.

It sounds like you're really evaluating heavily on reciprocation and intensity. I feel like in the young family years that's just harder for people to fulfill. My husband lives a mile away from his best friend from kindergarten through college, and we see each other's families just 2-4 times a year. They get together one on one every couple months for a drink and don't text and talk much in between. They don't even seem to be meeting the level of intensity you're looking for at this time in their lives, and they've been friends for almost 40 years. Can you let people be "looser" friends?

OP, I am an immigrant. In my culture, the unwritten rules of social behavior is hospitality, inclusivity and reciprocity. If I invite someone from my culture (and I don't have to know them well to invite them) for a meal, they will reciprocate at least within a month or two. Getting to know each other happens over a dinner at the host's home. Cliques are discouraged and you are polite to and inclusive with even the people you don't particularly get along with.

When I immigrated here, it was shocking to me that while my neighbors and other acquaintances would attend meals at our home - there was no reciprocity or even acknowledgement the next time they met us. I had to make a decision about how I would engage with them going forward. The easiest thing is to go out for a meal with them and everyone pays for their own meal. I have three types of friends now - a) group of friends or individuals, from my own culture who will attend and host parties and will show up if we need help, b) Americans (usually individuals) that I am close to and we meet periodically taking turns to treat each other and c) acquaintances that I will host on a low budget/low effort event, or arrange group outings for them.

The burden to host the "c" group is always on me. I do it with compassion because that is how they are socialized.
The reality is that living in the US is hard. No one has the bandwidth, money, time, manners, skills, EQ to host or spend time on making friendships. And yes, I too have observed that either you are part of a drinking culture and have partying friends or not. This is not true of my culture. You will serve drinks to your guests (even if you don't drink) if it is an occasion where alcohol can be served. If it is a religious kind of event - no booze will be served.

Do you get the impression that people here even want to make friends?

I’d love to make friends in my area but I feel like people are very standoffish and only want to hang with their own families. Time seems to be spent driving kids around or going on vacations.

I hate that I’ll likely live another decade without any friends besides my spouse, but I can’t make someone be friends with me. I’ve more or less given up.

I think most people here have FOMO that they don't have friends, family, social network, parties to attend, groups to hang out with during holidays etc. But, they also don't want to do the hard work of making friends, being open minded, participating, showing up for others or inconveniencing themselves. People lack manners and patience. They are not accepting of others.

Most do not want to spend money on others to host them, most cannot clean up their homes to invite people, most homes are not set up to host, most do not know how to organize get-togethers, most do not know how to cook, most people are awkward, most people have dysfunctional households, most don't know how to be good hosts and good guests. When it comes to married couples without kids - I have often seen that one person in the realtionship clearly shows that they are unhappy to be attending parties etc. There is always a strongly anti-social and rude partner among couples. Are they all medicated?

Gee, I wonder why you can’t make friends.

I have tons of friends , thank you very much! These are my observations. And I am able to flex my hosting muscles because I know how disadvantaged many people are here. I just don't expect reciprocity at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

This makes me sad. Being casual friends with your neighbors can bring some joy to life and make everyday living fun. First off, it’s easy and convenient. You can casually get together or grab drinks without having to drive somewhere. It’s fun for children and it’s good to build a sense of community.

Keeping your family isolated is teaching your kids that community doesn’t matter and you don’t care about other people. You don’t realize you’re teaching them this, but you are.

I have some neighbors who come and go and have not made a single friend in the neighborhood and I think it’s bizarre they will spend 15-20 years of their life here and one day drive away without having made a single connection.

A lifestyle where you work on your computer on Teams and only hang with your spouse and kids is self-limiting and not much fun.

Agreed. It strikes me as sad. Geographic community isn't the only kind, but it does matter.

Most of the time I wish I made more money and lived in a bigger house with a bigger yard, but sometimes I read stuff like this and think "ugh, rich people culture sucks, glad to miss out on that."

[Anonymous]

I didn't really make friends of my own until my son was in late middle/high school. I had mom friendly acquaintances, but it wasn't a true fit. I also had friendly acquaintances from work, but they were situational friendships.

When my son was in late middle school, I joined a book club and did some other meetups, and finally met women I connected with on a deeper level that way. Many of them are child-free, or a bit older than me with adult children.

[Anonymous]

Meet people where they are. Completely disorganized people with chaotic households, people who are flaky? Just meet at a park. BYOF.

[Anonymous]

I totally sympathize with this OP and feel very similarly.
My husband has one friend from college who he sees rarely. I have four friends, one from middle school who lives far away, and three who I made when my eldest was in preschool. None of these people would consider me a best friend as they have close-knit longstanding groups that I am not part of. I have not succeeded in making any friends at my kids elementary.
I hosted many playdates including group playdates, a moms night, volunteered for two chair positions that no one wanted, show up at literally every event, and nothing. Everyone is polite but not interested in getting closer. So I have lots of friendly acquaintances but that's it.
My mom says I might come across as a snob. I don't know how that could be possible when I am inviting people and engaging them. She said I don't smile enough.
It is very obvious to me that people are interested in making couple/family friends. The women who get welcomed into social groups have super social husbands. Mine is not willing to bro it up with other dads no matter how nice they are. I constantly hear "they are the best family ever! She doesn't talk very much and the kids can be wild but HE is soooo fun" like it's all about the man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I totally sympathize with this OP and feel very similarly.
My husband has one friend from college who he sees rarely. I have four friends, one from middle school who lives far away, and three who I made when my eldest was in preschool. None of these people would consider me a best friend as they have close-knit longstanding groups that I am not part of. I have not succeeded in making any friends at my kids elementary.
I hosted many playdates including group playdates, a moms night, volunteered for two chair positions that no one wanted, show up at literally every event, and nothing. Everyone is polite but not interested in getting closer. So I have lots of friendly acquaintances but that's it.
My mom says I might come across as a snob. I don't know how that could be possible when I am inviting people and engaging them. She said I don't smile enough.
It is very obvious to me that people are interested in making couple/family friends. The women who get welcomed into social groups have super social husbands. Mine is not willing to bro it up with other dads no matter how nice they are. I constantly hear "they are the best family ever! She doesn't talk very much and the kids can be wild but HE is soooo fun" like it's all about the man.

My experience has been that any social outing or event must include kids and/or husband. I rarely meet a woman who does anything on her own. I do wonder what happens once the kids age out of playdates and want to control their own social lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I find it so off putting when lonely people who randomly live near you think you’re supposed to be friends. It’s so presumptuous and creepy. There was a rich charismatic guy on a podcast today — Bill Simmons — and he said he wants absolutely nothing to do with his neighbors. I think most people feel that way. A wave of we drive by each other and that’s it.

This makes me sad. Being casual friends with your neighbors can bring some joy to life and make everyday living fun. First off, it’s easy and convenient. You can casually get together or grab drinks without having to drive somewhere. It’s fun for children and it’s good to build a sense of community.

Keeping your family isolated is teaching your kids that community doesn’t matter and you don’t care about other people. You don’t realize you’re teaching them this, but you are.

I have some neighbors who come and go and have not made a single friend in the neighborhood and I think it’s bizarre they will spend 15-20 years of their life here and one day drive away without having made a single connection.

A lifestyle where you work on your computer on Teams and only hang with your spouse and kids is self-limiting and not much fun.

Agreed. It strikes me as sad. Geographic community isn't the only kind, but it does matter.

Most of the time I wish I made more money and lived in a bigger house with a bigger yard, but sometimes I read stuff like this and think "ugh, rich people culture sucks, glad to miss out on that."

I live in a wealthy neighborhood and observe very little socializing. I rarely come across someone having a party, people over or really any social activity.