Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

My husband and I are both 40 and have been married for 15 years. We have two young kids. We both work-full time and are very successful at our jobs. We have a lot of qualities that make us good friends and are drama-free. Despite this, both of us have struggled to make friends during our entire marriage.

The issue is that my husband has no friends at all and I have one friend and a few acquaintances. Now granted my husband puts very little time and effort into making new friends, but he has been at the same job for 15 years and is well-liked, but has zero co-worker friends. He is very respected professionally at his job but has failed miserably trying to make friends. In fact he often experiences co-workers purposely excluding him, inviting everyone in the office to events/parties except him, and inviting each other out in front of him and excluding him.

I have also failed miserably in trying to make friends. I have been trying to make friends for over a decade, and when my kids were little I joined lots of moms groups. As they aged out of mom groups/playgroups I tried to make friends at preschool and through their activities. I made some acquaintances at preschool but no real friends. I never really had a "mom group." When they started elementary school I volunteered at school, was the room parent, and tried to meet other moms. I always felt like I never fit in. Now my kids are in 3rd and 4th grades and I still don't really have any mom friends.

Then we tried to make friends outside of kids' school/activities/work. My husband has played on a mens' rec sports league for 10 years and has made zero friends that way. I took lots of yoga and knitting classes and even started a neighborhood book club. I never met anyone who wanted to be my friend that way.

We have no couple friends and no family friends. No one ever invites us to do anything. The last time we were invited to do anything as a family with another family was probably 4 years ago. We receive very few holiday cards (though we send many) and no one has ever invited us to any kind of party.

We are not from here but we've lived here for over a decade already.

Why do both my husband and I have such difficulty connecting with others? What are we doing wrong and how can we start making friends? We are not socially awkward, are good listeners. We both had lots of friends in college and grad school but it's been a challenge since then.

[Anonymous]

You cannot be well liked, social savvy and not have friends. A piece is missing here.

I am not sure how you figure out what you are missing, but you have to dig deeper.

[Anonymous]

What happened when you extended invitations?

You keep talking about how no one invites you to anything. When you initiate, what is the reaction?

[Anonymous]

What happened to your friends from college and grad school?

[Anonymous]

My ex husband and I were married for 10 years. We had no couple friends except the first year before kids. We met in DC and lived in two other states before moving back. When we moved back, we had no connections except our pre-kid friends.

I actually think this is kind of more normal than people think. If both parents are working and have kids, there is very little time for friends.

[Anonymous]

Do you have high school friends? College friends? Grad school friends? Friends from kids schools?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My ex husband and I were married for 10 years. We had no couple friends except the first year before kids. We met in DC and lived in two other states before moving back. When we moved back, we had no connections except our pre-kid friends.

I actually think this is kind of more normal than people think. If both parents are working and have kids, there is very little time for friends.

But they have time, since they are in rec leagues and knitting classes and such.

[Anonymous]

It's a tough age/stage of life and tough area.

The family friends that invite us out as a family the most are college friends who happen to live in the area. Are there pre-existing friendships you can revive? Can your social needs be met elsewhere? My DH doesn't have many local friends but is great about texting and calling friends and family several times a week.

I would seek out couples/families that are new to your neighborhood/schools. They are more likely to be open to making new friends.

[Anonymous]

Invite invite invite. Eventually you will click with someone.

[Anonymous]

I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

[Anonymous]

Y’all need to host a game night weekly and invite different people you know. Eventually some will show up the next week too. Those are the people you plan other activities with.

[Anonymous]

Not sure what's up with your husband feeling specifically excluded at work, but you sound a lot like me, OP.

I still have a few very close friends from high school and college, though we don't live near each other. I feel like people don't get to know the "real me" without that kind of significant bonding experience, like being roommates or something like that. I'm the type of person where everyone says - oh, I thought you were so quiet and shy and now I know you're not!

Does this sounds anything like you?

I don't have any foolproof tricks, OP. I do think there's a difference between having friends and having a social life. You can do the latter by doing the heavy lifting. And hopefully 1-2 friends will click along the way. But it takes real work (if you're anything like me).

Or, maybe DH is a total boor and holding you back.

[Anonymous]

Honestly, I only have friends because DH is a social butterfly. And DH only has friends because it’s as critical to him as breathing air. He has tennis friends, church friends, coworker friends, former coworker friends. And then I glean some friends off of him.

Basically DH makes having friends and spending time with his friends a major priority. But he’s also somewhat selective. He tends to only make friends with people who have kids the same age as our kids or those who do his sport with him. Other friends do not get his time and energy. Doing activities with his kids in tow is a big part of his friendships too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

I’ve thought about this, too. We used to drink way too much but made friends in the process. This was back when the kids were staring school and we were meeting school families. Drunken game nights, drunken dinner parties, drunken moms nights out. I’m not encouraging this, but if OP and her DH are dry, maybe that’s why he doesn’t get invited to office social events?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

This is quite possibly the finest piece of writing I’ve ever seen on the mommy group.
Thank you