Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement

[Anonymous]

I am so very tired of my husband, sometimes I think he might have OCPD, but sometimes I think it is just me being unorganized. We have fun together most of the time when we out of the house and he is a good dad to our baby, he's very kind, generous about things he approves (e.g. nail salons, massages, good restaurants, clothes shopping) but it is when we are at home we can't get along. He is very particular and I keep forgetting all the house rules, so he follows me and directs me. E.g., in just one evening: "we don't cut bread on this board, how many times I should tell you", "why can't you put your cup in the dishwahser right away", "why did you put milk on this shelf? there is a designated spot for it", "honey, you put this hook in the bathroom, it looks out of place, let's take it of", "I think you had enough candy for today. let me take away the rest of it", "no, I think the baby is fine, I am not going to fix his bed on your whim", "this pot has a chip on it's top, I know your friend had given it to you, but it's broken, mind if I throw it away?" "omg, there are bread crumbs on the floor, did you see them, omg bread crumbs" "oh and these cups that you mom gave us, can she take them back? I think I don't like them after all".
He demanded I take off the poster I liked from the bathroom wall; there is no way I can buy souvenirs when travelling or he'll throw a tantrum, he argues about the color of the floor mat for the guest bathroom; he demands I press keys on the keyboard in a specific way and gets upset when I forget; he vetoed all the names for the baby that I liked even though he said he liked them when I was not yet pregnant, he watches what I eat, knows how much I weight (I am slim, I honestly am) and makes this very sad face when I pick up a box of ice cream from the store freezer, fights with me in the store if I pick up something he does not consider healthy; he rushes to the kitchen sink first thing when he gets home to see whether I cleaned it, hides gifts from my friends if he thinks they are useless and should not be on display; does not let me make any decision about the furniture placement; flips out if I spill water etc. etc. etc. What does not help things is that I am very oblivious to many things, I like candy, and Iam unorganized. I honestly can think I cleaned up and he comes home and lectures me about not putting things on their place, I am frequently late and if he's late because of me, he won't speak to me entire evening. I am so so tired. I am trying to change, but I instead I start to resent him. I am looking forward to his business trips, I hide my candy, I take off the dress that he asks me not to wear, but put it back on when he leaves the house.
I am tired people, I am honestly tired of him. What can I do? What should I do?

[Anonymous]

I think he is sick, honestly.

[Anonymous]

Say, "Bless your heart" and then add some curse words under your breath.

[Anonymous]

Yep. All of this fault-finding is not okay.

I think it's bad enough that you should consider getting support to work through it and the effects on you and determine a direction. I doubt there is anything you can do to change his behavior. However, if he is not always like this, you may be able to lessen his acting out at home.

While you figure out what else to do, try to stop and touch him whenever he starts this pattern. Slow down, breathe, and put one hand on his chest, or take his hand. Just be silent and calm. If it is an anxious cycle you can sometimes short-circuit it. If it is a nitpicking emotionally abusive cycle you are showing that it is not normal/OK and you will not respond by allowing yourself to be upset and put off balance.

But really, get some support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yep. All of this fault-finding is not okay.

I think it's bad enough that you should consider getting support to work through it and the effects on you and determine a direction. I doubt there is anything you can do to change his behavior. However, if he is not always like this, you may be able to lessen his acting out at home.

While you figure out what else to do, try to stop and touch him whenever he starts this pattern. Slow down, breathe, and put one hand on his chest, or take his hand. Just be silent and calm. If it is an anxious cycle you can sometimes short-circuit it. If it is a nitpicking emotionally abusive cycle you are showing that it is not normal/OK and you will not respond by allowing yourself to be upset and put off balance.

But really, get some support.

Thank you! I believe it's not fault finding, it is his craving of order. I too think it is connected to the anxiety and creating order makes him less anxious. Sadly, I am the abusive partner here and I am deeply ashamed. Sometimes I feel like he enjoys bringing me to the boiling point, making me scream and cry and after that climatic experience he stops nagging me.

Typical scenario:
My mom sends me a set of very nice pots for Christmas. He gets upset and asks me to mail them back. I refuse. The dialog goes ike this:
- Why did she send you these, we don't need them
- Please, this is a gift
- Did you ask for them?
- No, but I like them
- And I don't
- But I live here and I want them
- I live here too and they bother me. Tell your mom to take them back
- Well, I never tell you to take things away
- Because they don't bother you
- Maybe they do
- Then tell me and I will take them away
- But I think you should like where you live and have things that you like surround you
- This is not how it works. Mail these pots back and I will throw away things that you don't like

The dialog then repeats several times and then

A) I flip out, throw pots away, scream and cry. He remains calm. After I fall asleep from crying he goes and digs the gift from the trash. Or if he hates it, he does not.
B) I flip out, scream, cry, but leave pots. He shuns me, goes around sad and barely talks to me. The dialog repeats and proceeds to the ending A


We have this dialog pretty much about everything, every purchase I make, every gift I receive. I can't win. He does not see a problem with this. I sweat when I get gifts in the mail - I know what to expect. I hide things I buy that he won't approve. I hate myself when I call him names and kick him.

[Anonymous]

Also, how do I get help if he doe not see a problem with his behavior, just mine?

[Anonymous]

This is not normal!
How is your sex life? Does he give you orgasms? Because what he does reminds me of good old Freudian sublimation...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not normal!
How is your sex life? Does he give you orgasms? Because what he does reminds me of good old Freudian sublimation...

I see what you are talking about. Let's say, I'd rather spent this energy in the bedroom. I guess we both would

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is not normal!
How is your sex life? Does he give you orgasms? Because what he does reminds me of good old Freudian sublimation...

I see what you are talking about. Let's say, I'd rather spent this energy in the bedroom. I guess we both would

well, why don't you go upstairs and do it??

[Anonymous]

You don't need to argue or justify. State what you're going to do and do it. If you can do it cheerfully, all the better, while you figure out what else is going on here.

The point of the pattern may be your emotional outburst, so discipline yourself to stop flipping out and remain calm.

And please, please, please find counseling. It does sound as though something is terribly wrong here and this is not going anywhere healthy. Go by yourself if he won't go.

[Anonymous]

Has he ever been in therapy? This sounds completely out of control and unbearable. Get into counseling like yesterday!

[Anonymous]

OP-

I am so sorry! You deserve so much better.

His behavior is (Imo) abnormal and extreme. I would also go so far as to say emotionally abusive.

Please seek help! (Therapy. Friends/Family for support.)

Are you considering divorce!? I would if it were me.

Good luck & best wishes.

[Anonymous]

Your husband speaks to you as if you were a child. You need to let him know that you are not a child, you are his partner, and house rules do not get decided without you. I agree that counseling is in order. You also need to practice asserting yourself. Now.

For instance, when your husband quotes a house rule, do you ever respond "When did THAT get decided? Because I don't remember being consulted."

Or when he says "We don't cut bread there." How about saying "Who is we? Because I cut bread there all the time."

Really, this situation cannot go on.

[Anonymous]

OP, you have my sympathies. What you describe is a pathology. It is definitely NOT normal. Your reaction is normal -- the type of behavior you describe would drive anyone to the brink of sanity. Your DH is already over the edge -- he is sick and needs help.

I think medication would help him if he'd agree to go to counseling. Find a psychiatrist or psychopharmacologist to prescribe medication for him, along with counseling. You cannot allow this situation to continue. Your screaming is a cry for help. His behavior is extremely abusive, you just can't see it (and he won't let you) because you're the one screaming, not he, so he appears to be the calm, "rational" one. He's irrational, unreasonable, and probably diagnosable. I think OCD is just the start. Anxiety meds, anti-depressants and therapy may help him (and you). You may need counseling to get yourself out of this pattern you have created with him. You have to step back and become calm. Ignoring him doesn't work. You have to LEAVE THE HOUSE or at least the room when he starts in. Zero tolerance, and change your behavior permanently. Do not throw out any of your gifts, wear the dress he can't stand, leave the dirty pots in the sink for a time (clean them in the morning), cut the bread wherever you want to (as long as it's not in the middle of your bed), and tell him that you do not agree to any of his "rules". It's your house too, and any rules must be mutually agreed upon. He cannot impose rules on you, or bully you into accepting them.

I truly think medication and counseling will help your DH, OP. He has a problem, and it can be helped if he's agreeable. If you tell him you're going to leave the marriage, he may agree to counseling/meds. I would not be able to tolerate such a situation for even a second, OP. It sounds like pure, unadulterated HELL. Get help, OP, and NOW. And find some support from friends/family. You will need strength, and you're obviously not getting it from your DH. Good luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband speaks to you as if you were a child. You need to let him know that you are not a child, you are his partner, and house rules do not get decided without you. I agree that counseling is in order. You also need to practice asserting yourself. Now.

For instance, when your husband quotes a house rule, do you ever respond "When did THAT get decided? Because I don't remember being consulted."

Or when he says "We don't cut bread there." How about saying "Who is we? Because I cut bread there all the time."

Really, this situation cannot go on.

Honestly, OP. You are trying to work rationally with someone who is well beyond rational. My DX was livid at how I cut tomatoes. Helllloooo? Tomatoes. When his friend broke and then threw out a Tiffany vase of mine, DX told me that I had too much stuff to begin with. What? It took a good long while, OP, for me to call this controlling behavior, constant monitoring, and condescension what it was: Abuse.

Get thee to a counselor TODAY.

You don't deserve to be bullied like this. Cutting you off from your support network is a classic abuser tactic. Pick up The Gift of Fear to read before your therapist appointment. Being told daily that you're just not good enough is no way to live.

God speed, Sister.