Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll offer a dissenting view - have you tried to become more organized? Have you levelled with your husband and said, "If you leave the gifts I buy and receive alone, I'd love your help to become more organized"?

This is beyond not being organized- this is his need to control every single aspect of his house. OP you might have to become the most stubborn person in the entire world in order to change this scenario and I don't know who has that level of endurance.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll offer a dissenting view - have you tried to become more organized? Have you levelled with your husband and said, "If you leave the gifts I buy and receive alone, I'd love your help to become more organized"?

You don't negotiate with terrorists.

[Anonymous]

If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Simple house rules is one thing- demanding that someone's mother stop sending presents and getting irate at the placement of a fork is insanity. If there was a woman like this, everyone would talk about her long suffering husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Simple house rules is one thing- demanding that someone's mother stop sending presents and getting irate at the placement of a fork is insanity. If there was a woman like this, everyone would talk about her long suffering husband.

PP again: Actually, the show Keeping up Appearances is based on just this type of premise- the husband has to suffer all her "rules"

[Anonymous]

I never say this, but I'm going to say it this time. DH sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. That rigidity and strict adherence to rules is EXACTLY like my kid with Asperger's. I could totally see him flipping out about bread crumbs or a set of pots that he doesn't like. It's completely normal for him to only think of how he feels about something and not understand how it makes others feel. He has a hard time compromising about stuff.

Go see a therapist. Get an assessment. You can live with an Aspie, but you have to be patient and they have to make an effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Re-read her post. This isn't micromanaging. This is abuse and control. And anyone with a half a brain would respond gender neutrally to that kind of stuff that she posted in her first post. If you can honestly read what she wrote without utterly cringing, I kinda feel bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never say this, but I'm going to say it this time. DH sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. That rigidity and strict adherence to rules is EXACTLY like my kid with Asperger's. I could totally see him flipping out about bread crumbs or a set of pots that he doesn't like. It's completely normal for him to only think of how he feels about something and not understand how it makes others feel. He has a hard time compromising about stuff.

Go see a therapist. Get an assessment. You can live with an Aspie, but you have to be patient and they have to make an effort.

This is a possibility. OP, has he gotten worse with time, or has he always been like this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Uh, not in my household. DH and I would both see this as toxic and controlling.

[Anonymous]

Whether is it stems from OCD or OCPD or it is driven by some sort of controlling/sadistic misogyny it is having the same effect on you and your marriage. He needs to see someone or at least you need couple's therapy.

this is a therapist speaking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never say this, but I'm going to say it this time. DH sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. That rigidity and strict adherence to rules is EXACTLY like my kid with Asperger's. I could totally see him flipping out about bread crumbs or a set of pots that he doesn't like. It's completely normal for him to only think of how he feels about something and not understand how it makes others feel. He has a hard time compromising about stuff.

Go see a therapist. Get an assessment. You can live with an Aspie, but you have to be patient and they have to make an effort.

This is a possibility. OP, has he gotten worse with time, or has he always been like this?

Thank you! I thought about it myself, but I know too little about the disorder and he does not fit the "wikipedia" profile. I will describe some of the things, can you tell me if it fits the profile. He def. lacks empathy, and is very egocentrical. But this lack of empathy does not make him unkind or mean. He can spend hours to help someone he barely knows to prepare for an interview, he is OK hosting people for weeks, he never raises his voice at me or call me names when we fight. He has a lot of friends and he makes a huge effort to keep in touch with them, at the same time he can go see some college friend of a friend of a friend and leave me home with a fever. He is extremely good at mingling at parties, but forgets I came with him, does not introduce me to people, and just lets me be on my own. He got very mad during a massage class when I could not follow directions and lift his leg high enough(too heavy). In fact, since all couples classes ended up with us fighting, we stopped doing them. He does follow most of silly rules and fights with me if I don't, but at the same time drives aggressively and crosses the street on a red light. He is very physically fit and enjoys team sport, but plays aggressively and can hurt others without meaning it.
He does make an effort and I stopped caring for the most part about decorating our apartment. At times of stress and anxiety he forgets that he suppose to try and then when days described in my fist post happen. I am upset that the way I described makes people see him as an abusive monster. In fact, I have the monster most of the time. He freaks out when I flip out and this is the only way to stop him nagging me. I am tired of course to have to though a tantrum just to make him let me have a freaking toaster on the counter. The sad part that there will be no therapy as I am staying home with a baby and he hates doctors.

[Anonymous]

Sorry I made too many typos and missed words

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'll offer a dissenting view - have you tried to become more organized? Have you levelled with your husband and said, "If you leave the gifts I buy and receive alone, I'd love your help to become more organized"?

I trued and I should try more. In search of becoming more organized I went to therapy and was diagnosed with an adult ADD. I don't know how the two of us ended up together really

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'll offer a dissenting view - have you tried to become more organized? Have you levelled with your husband and said, "If you leave the gifts I buy and receive alone, I'd love your help to become more organized"?

You don't negotiate with terrorists.

This.

He is gaslighting you.

He is manipulating you to express emotions he denies having. A child should not be living in this environment.

He is outrageously controlling. Let him and a doctor sort out the reason why. DO NOT get caught up in a backstory, he is a sick, sick man who is very unstable.

This is not a life, this is mental illness. Your child has a genetic predisposition, you have to get him out of that environment so he/she has a chance to be normal.

If you do not have a job, get one. Can you legally work here?

If you do not have $ for counseling, call The House of Ruth in DC and they will give you a counselor. Also, get (even the library has) the book The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It will help you understand what is going on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Agree with posters who've told you your DH has clinical anxiety, probably OCD and (I'm adding here) depression. They're often co-morbid with each other.

You've only been together as long as you have, however long that may be, because you are modifying YOUR behavior to "make it work." in the lingo of the 1970s, i think they call that co-dependent.

I hope for your and your baby's sake he will agree to medication and talk therapy. Note: medication is an absolute must here. Even with meds and behavioral therapy, he will not magically have a all-new laid back worldview. But ideally, he'll stop with the abuse.

I'm writing as someone who is in the process of divorcing a husband who got worse and worse over the years, to the point where his lifelong anxiety and mild OCD blew up into depression and finally furious rage/anger directed at me and our son. We no longer have a chance, because I can never forgive him.

Please don't let your relationship slide to this point.

I agree with this. Your husband needs therapy and medication.