Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement

[Anonymous]

Your story reminds me of this one in NYTimes Modern Love.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/fashion/17love.html

Does any of what they say in the articel ring true for you?

[Anonymous]

My husband used to be a little like this. He had some definite control freak characteristics, lack of empathy, could not read non-verbal cues, and yet always remained calm while pushing me over the edge.
I came to the brink of divorce. I threatened to leave, told everybody, contacted a lawyer, worried about child visitation.

And when he understood I meant business he made an effort to change. In 9 years he has improved and I would say that 80% of the time we are good, 19% of the time we bicker but keep things decent, and 1% of the time... all hell breaks loose and he makes really crazy decisions.

Lessons learnt:

1. Model good behavior, stay cool and superior and logical. Beat him at his own game by outreasoning him instead of falling back on emotion. Stand your ground. Present your arguments in a firm and organized way.

2. Call him out IMMEDIATELY each and every time he exhibits his abusive control. Consistency is key. This will trigger a lot of fights at first, because he's not used to you not being a doormat, but it will get easier.

3. Of course, prepare him for all this by announcing the new rules to him during a time when he's relaxed.

4. Your husband is so far gone, try this for a year. Counseling and medication might help (mine refused to do either). If he does not improve, divorce is the best solution for you and your child!

Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Narcissitic Personality Disorder.

Get out now. You cannot raise your child in the same house this man.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissitic Personality Disorder.

Get out now. You cannot raise your child in the same house this man.

I agree, it will only get worse w/ kids. It is really hard to live with someone like this, though you sound like it hasn't effected your self esteem. I went through a period of thinking all the criticism was a reflection on me and my faults, its isn't it is his need for control/NPD. Your husband sounds like a disgruntled house wife, my former husband was the same way. It really sucks.

Also it isn't really a factor in the baby stage, but my former dh took a lot out on my son, which is a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your story reminds me of this one in NYTimes Modern Love.
http://www.nytimes.com/2009/05/17/fashion/17love.html

Does any of what they say in the articel ring true for you?

If it does, the guy wrote a book. He was super highly motivated to change however.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Narcissitic Personality Disorder.

Get out now. You cannot raise your child in the same house this man.

That's my read, too. OP, it seems to me that this isn't just anxiety/depression/OCD. Please do some reading on Narcissictic Personality Disorder.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I never say this, but I'm going to say it this time. DH sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. That rigidity and strict adherence to rules is EXACTLY like my kid with Asperger's. I could totally see him flipping out about bread crumbs or a set of pots that he doesn't like. It's completely normal for him to only think of how he feels about something and not understand how it makes others feel. He has a hard time compromising about stuff.

Go see a therapist. Get an assessment. You can live with an Aspie, but you have to be patient and they have to make an effort.

You know, you may be on to something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Uh, not in my household. DH and I would both see this as toxic and controlling.

How organized and clean is your house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Uh, not in my household. DH and I would both see this as toxic and controlling.

How organized and clean is your house?

What does that have to do with whether someone is toxic and controlling? Or do you tolerate such behavior on the part of either gender if it leads to a clean house? I think it's much more important to have a healthy relationship that's a partnership. But then again I don't stereotype men as if they're all doofuses who are too stupid to take care of a household or children, the way that some DCUMers do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I never say this, but I'm going to say it this time. DH sounds like he has Asperger's Syndrome. That rigidity and strict adherence to rules is EXACTLY like my kid with Asperger's. I could totally see him flipping out about bread crumbs or a set of pots that he doesn't like. It's completely normal for him to only think of how he feels about something and not understand how it makes others feel. He has a hard time compromising about stuff.

Go see a therapist. Get an assessment. You can live with an Aspie, but you have to be patient and they have to make an effort.

This is a possibility. OP, has he gotten worse with time, or has he always been like this?

Thank you! I thought about it myself, but I know too little about the disorder and he does not fit the "wikipedia" profile. I will describe some of the things, can you tell me if it fits the profile. He def. lacks empathy, and is very egocentrical. But this lack of empathy does not make him unkind or mean. He can spend hours to help someone he barely knows to prepare for an interview, he is OK hosting people for weeks, he never raises his voice at me or call me names when we fight. He has a lot of friends and he makes a huge effort to keep in touch with them, at the same time he can go see some college friend of a friend of a friend and leave me home with a fever. He is extremely good at mingling at parties, but forgets I came with him, does not introduce me to people, and just lets me be on my own. He got very mad during a massage class when I could not follow directions and lift his leg high enough(too heavy). In fact, since all couples classes ended up with us fighting, we stopped doing them. He does follow most of silly rules and fights with me if I don't, but at the same time drives aggressively and crosses the street on a red light. He is very physically fit and enjoys team sport, but plays aggressively and can hurt others without meaning it.
He does make an effort and I stopped caring for the most part about decorating our apartment. At times of stress and anxiety he forgets that he suppose to try and then when days described in my fist post happen. I am upset that the way I described makes people see him as an abusive monster. In fact, I have the monster most of the time. He freaks out when I flip out and this is the only way to stop him nagging me. I am tired of course to have to though a tantrum just to make him let me have a freaking toaster on the counter. The sad part that there will be no therapy as I am staying home with a baby and he hates doctors.

Do you see what you wrote? All of the good things you wrote about him (and I'm sorry, NOT calling you names does not = a good thing) are related to other people. So he's nice to his friends, good at parties, can mingle nicely, and even helps strangers. Great. He has it in him. All of the "buts" you put in there are related to you, your character, the way you raise a leg????? No, I'm sorry, you may be upset that people are suggesting that he's abusive, but that's because the truth can hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

Uh, not in my household. DH and I would both see this as toxic and controlling.

How organized and clean is your house?

What does that have to do with whether someone is toxic and controlling? Or do you tolerate such behavior on the part of either gender if it leads to a clean house? I think it's much more important to have a healthy relationship that's a partnership. But then again I don't stereotype men as if they're all doofuses who are too stupid to take care of a household or children, the way that some DCUMers do.

My husband IS much worse at keeping the house picked up and organized and raising children. Less interest and less ability. I've become more controlling towards him over 15 years of marriage because otherwise we'd live in a messy, disorganized house or I'd do 90% of everything. In other words, we do not have a partnership now anyway.

I have no interest in his gifts or the color of the tile on the bathroom floor however

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

I am a woman and I agree with you. OP is only giving her version--I agree that DH is being heavy handed. Those counseling her to leave are one dimensional and simplistic. Marriage is a little more complicated than "just leave". What we may not be getting an accurate picture of is how much of a train wreck OP is. DH is definitely over-controlling--but he may be over reacting to OP's slovenly ways--and now this has just become their"dynamic". It can be very difficult to break out of this dynamic--but presumably you married DH because you love some aspect of this about him...he takes care of things, right? But in response you may have become more child-like. And so it goes. This can be fixed, with or without meds, but you'll need to motivate your spouse by doing something dramatic and then really demanding that he go with you to about 6 therapy sessions. Can you afford to take your baby and leave for a hotel for 1-2 nights? Ask him firmly to go to therapy and set up the appointment if he agrees. If he doesn't agree, at a time when he is not in the home to confront you, leave without a word for a couple of days. Police may be called to come to the house when you disappear. Do not panic. It is NOT illegal for you to leave your spouse and take the kid for a few days to cool your jets. But in HIS panic to call the police he may realize just how close he has come to losing you. Having a 6 foot + tall homicide detective in his living room will fix his wagon, for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

I am a woman and I agree with you. OP is only giving her version--I agree that DH is being heavy handed. Those counseling her to leave are one dimensional and simplistic. Marriage is a little more complicated than "just leave". What we may not be getting an accurate picture of is how much of a train wreck OP is. DH is definitely over-controlling--but he may be over reacting to OP's slovenly ways--and now this has just become their"dynamic". It can be very difficult to break out of this dynamic--but presumably you married DH because you love some aspect of this about him...he takes care of things, right? But in response you may have become more child-like. And so it goes. This can be fixed, with or without meds, but you'll need to motivate your spouse by doing something dramatic and then really demanding that he go with you to about 6 therapy sessions. Can you afford to take your baby and leave for a hotel for 1-2 nights? Ask him firmly to go to therapy and set up the appointment if he agrees. If he doesn't agree, at a time when he is not in the home to confront you, leave without a word for a couple of days. Police may be called to come to the house when you disappear. Do not panic. It is NOT illegal for you to leave your spouse and take the kid for a few days to cool your jets. But in HIS panic to call the police he may realize just how close he has come to losing you. Having a 6 foot + tall homicide detective in his living room will fix his wagon, for sure.

Read her follow up post. Nothing in there has anything to do with the house or her slovenly ways. And seriously, suggesting that she scare the crap out of him to the point where he feels the need to call the police because, gee, having a homicide detective in the house will turn him around??? You're crazy.

[Anonymous]

OP, your last post scared me. No therapy because your DH hates doctors and you are home with a baby? Huh?

You sound like you have become co-dependent. Look it up. You are used to his ways, but are not interested in making the changes in your own behavior that will necessitate him changing his behavior.

You may have to leave for a few days. I don't think that's a crazy idea. Your DH is crazy. He is controlled enough not to show it to his friends or in public, but the way he treats you is truly crazy. Not able to leave the toaster on the counter? Checking out the sink to see that it's clean? Making you send Christmas gifts back to your mom because HE doesn't like them? This is crazy, mentally-ill, dysfunctional behavior. At some level, he knows he's ill because he hides it when he's outside your home.

Do you really think it's healthy for you to raise a child in this environment?

If he won't get help, then you need to find a sitter and get yourself to a therapist. You need to learn how to change your own behavior FIRST. If you change your pattern of behavior, he will have no choice, but to change his behavior.

If he cannot see the harm he is doing you (and soon, your child), he is in need of therapy and possibly medication. You may have to take dramatic action (threaten divorce, go to your mom's for a few days) in order to show him that you mean business. Perhaps then he will agree to see a therapist at least on a trial basis.

Good luck, OP. Take charge of this situation for your child's sake at least.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If this was a man writing about his wife micromanaging him, she would be seen as a wonderful woman trying to maintain a sense of order and to keep junk out of the house and to do what she has to do to keep the house running. She would be lauded as a hero who has to put up with this husband who can't even manage simple house rules that serve to keep the house and family clean and organized and he would be degraded, called names and laughed at for being such a bad husband.

I am a woman and I agree with you. OP is only giving her version--I agree that DH is being heavy handed. Those counseling her to leave are one dimensional and simplistic. Marriage is a little more complicated than "just leave". What we may not be getting an accurate picture of is how much of a train wreck OP is. DH is definitely over-controlling--but he may be over reacting to OP's slovenly ways--and now this has just become their"dynamic". It can be very difficult to break out of this dynamic--but presumably you married DH because you love some aspect of this about him...he takes care of things, right? But in response you may have become more child-like. And so it goes. This can be fixed, with or without meds, but you'll need to motivate your spouse by doing something dramatic and then really demanding that he go with you to about 6 therapy sessions. Can you afford to take your baby and leave for a hotel for 1-2 nights? Ask him firmly to go to therapy and set up the appointment if he agrees. If he doesn't agree, at a time when he is not in the home to confront you, leave without a word for a couple of days. Police may be called to come to the house when you disappear. Do not panic. It is NOT illegal for you to leave your spouse and take the kid for a few days to cool your jets. But in HIS panic to call the police he may realize just how close he has come to losing you. Having a 6 foot + tall homicide detective in his living room will fix his wagon, for sure.

Read her follow up post. Nothing in there has anything to do with the house or her slovenly ways. And seriously, suggesting that she scare the crap out of him to the point where he feels the need to call the police because, gee, having a homicide detective in the house will turn him around??? You're crazy.

I'm not crazy. But you are if that is all you got out of my post.