Reply to Exhausted due to my husband's micromanagement

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Yep.  All of this fault-finding is not okay.

I think it's bad enough that you should consider getting support to work through it and the effects on you and determine a direction.  I doubt there is anything you can do to change his behavior.  However, if he is not always like this, you may be able to lessen his acting out at home.

While you figure out what else to do, try to stop and touch him whenever he starts this pattern.  Slow down, breathe, and put one hand on his chest, or take his hand.  Just be silent and calm.  If it is an anxious cycle you can sometimes short-circuit it.  If it is a nitpicking emotionally abusive cycle you are showing that it is not normal/OK and you will not respond by allowing yourself to be upset and put off balance.

But really, get some support.  [/quote]

Thank you! I believe it's not fault finding, it is his craving of order. I too think it is connected to the anxiety and creating order makes him less anxious. Sadly, I am the abusive partner here and I am deeply ashamed. Sometimes I feel like he  enjoys bringing me to the boiling point, making me scream and cry and after that climatic experience he stops nagging me.

Typical scenario:
My mom sends me a set of very nice pots  for Christmas. He gets upset and asks me to mail them back. I refuse. The dialog goes ike this:
- Why did she send you these, we don't need them
- Please, this is a gift
- Did you ask for them?
- No, but I like them
- And I don't
- But I live here and I want them
- I live here too and they bother me. Tell your mom to take them back
- Well, I never tell you to take things away
- Because they don't bother you
- Maybe they do
- Then tell me and I will take them away
- But I think you should like where you live and have things that you like surround you
- This is not how it works. Mail these pots back and I will throw away things that you don't like

The dialog then repeats several times and then

A) I flip out, throw  pots away, scream and cry. He remains calm. After I fall asleep from crying he goes and digs the gift from the trash. Or if he hates it, he does not.
B) I flip out, scream, cry, but leave pots. He shuns me, goes around sad and barely talks to me. The dialog repeats and proceeds to the ending A

We have this dialog pretty much about everything, every purchase I make, every gift I receive. I can't win. He does not see a problem with this. I sweat when I get gifts in the mail - I know what to expect. I hide things I buy that he won't approve. I hate myself when I call him names and kick him.
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