Wife wants to be "alone" so this means we divorce?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

You're a super dad. But in fractional minority.

agree.

Most "dads" i know who work FT out of the house are at most, Task Rabbits, and need to be told what the house or kids need, when they need it, how to do it, and then coaxing and reminding.
It's pathetic and far from attractive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

^^^

This is why I think this is a simple fixable mid-life crisis.

She got everything she wanted but is noticing she will be an empty nester soon with what feels like nothing to show for it. She’s missing she has 2 amazing kids that she raised.

She needs to write a new chapter, it doesn’t need to be away from her H. It’s not her H fault and he is not standing in the way.

What sadly might happen is she steps back from the mom role, the H steps up like most CEO moms do, realizes he can do both, like CEO Moms do and then feels worse.

He dates finds a super awesome 2nd wife and is jealous gor the rest of her life because she did all the work snd she gets all the easy years.

nope. Sunk cost. We saw what "he" was capable of when needed by his kids and spouse and he failed. No desire to continue to let him fake it and tag along. Second wives know this. They know that raising kids did him in, and they don't care because they saw the same thing happen to their ex husband and now are happily gone from that and raising kids singlehandedly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

You're a super dad. But in fractional minority.

agree.

Most "dads" i know who work FT out of the house are at most, Task Rabbits, and need to be told what the house or kids need, when they need it, how to do it, and then coaxing and reminding.
It's pathetic and far from attractive.

I don't think this is necessarily true. I think there are frustrated wives with husbands like this who are understandably often vocal about it, living with what feels like a manchild? but actually I don't buy it. I think it is very condescending and does not match what I see among many working fathers I know. -a working mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

Incredibly dumb and condescending.

I am a man and I do ALL the parenting, period. Oh yeah, and I also do the cooking, the dishwasher, the laundry, and driving kids around on weekends. It really isn’t that hard. All this prima donna whining about “emotional labor” and uncompensated work at home is an effort to guilt trip men and should be ignored.

Well, are you a single dad? Or do you need to discuss with your spouse a more appropriate division of labor?

[Anonymous]

Having a stay at home parent in the house probably exacerbates the other parents tendency to do less no? It seems easy for that to happen... Whereas if you are both working, you often have to really think about and work at dividing up stuff because you are more limited in your available resources in terms of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

What was her choice?

You think OP and his wife sat down 15 years ago and said here's what it takes to raise kids and live in a house. Here are a few options, let's decide:
1) Both spouses downshift and divide up things equally
2) Husband quits job to be homemaker
3) wife quits job to be homemaker
4) one or both start a WAH job or own small lifestyle company
5) they move closer to extended family for help
6) They focus on one career first, then the other

OR, did something simply say, I wanna keep working and am bad w kids so you quit and do everything. Or you hire and manage a daycare or nanny or housekeeper. See ya! Back to work and eating!

Well I am not the OP but yes my husband and I did discuss this. I am not unhappy, unlike OP's wife, and my husband is very emotionally involved but no he doesn't sign the kids up for camp or take them to well visits. I do that. But I don't resent it. Why would I?

[Anonymous]

I don't get OP's wife. She should just do what she wants but stay married and keep her nice lifestyle. He husband does not sound like he wants a divorce or wants to nickel and dime her. So he's a little emotionally detached - so what? I wouldn't blow up my life over that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get OP's wife. She should just do what she wants but stay married and keep her nice lifestyle. He husband does not sound like he wants a divorce or wants to nickel and dime her. So he's a little emotionally detached - so what? I wouldn't blow up my life over that.

Well it sounds like there's a lot of water under the bridge. She sounds beyond pissed...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get OP's wife. She should just do what she wants but stay married and keep her nice lifestyle. He husband does not sound like he wants a divorce or wants to nickel and dime her. So he's a little emotionally detached - so what? I wouldn't blow up my life over that.

Well it sounds like there's a lot of water under the bridge. She sounds beyond pissed...

Well let her try it out with alimony and child support and being TRULY alone. I bet she won't like it as much as she thinks. Wherever she goes, there she'll be and all that.

[Anonymous]

She might not be having an affair, but she has someone in mind….

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't get OP's wife. She should just do what she wants but stay married and keep her nice lifestyle. He husband does not sound like he wants a divorce or wants to nickel and dime her. So he's a little emotionally detached - so what? I wouldn't blow up my life over that.

m

He’s not emotionally detached, he’s detached from choosing summer camp

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here, thanks for this and a lot of other replies. Yes, she does try to get me involved in decisions like camps and schools and the day to day and I will admit I fall short on those things more from a logistics standpoint - she will schedule a tour of a school or camp or activity but without notice to me my work schedule is packed and I can't make those things on 48 hours notice.

If I am accused of letting her handle the vast majority of the mental parenting load, I plead guilty. She has been a rock star in that regard and I tell her how much I appreciate what she's done.

We had a talk last night based on some advice given here. She said she's tired of the hampsterwheel and wants off. She also said something I found very hurtful: that my contribution doesn't feel equal to hers since most of what I do is professional and "you would have done that anyway" meaning it wasn't a sacrifice for her or the family. Again, totally wounding because it's completely untrue, I put in an enormous effort and reached a very high pinnacle of success professionally that I simply wouldn't have needed to do if I was only looking after me.

Thanks for all the feedback, it's helpful to hear perspectives that seem to match hers.

OP, just reading this now. OMG. She is out of her mind. Off the hamster wheel? There is never, ever any way to get off the Mommy hamster wheel. Getting a job just adds 40-50 hours of workload to the Mommy workload. You are a man. Most men aren't zipping up dinners, calling girl scout leader, and signing up for camps online. Most parenting falls on the mother. She can, and should however, delegate to you more "defined tasks." Maybe you can take ownership over washing dishes, emptying dishwasher, washing towels, and on weekends, driving around kids while she quarterbacks.

I think your wife is burned out. Covid burned out a lot of people. She needs a spa day, maybe a kid free getaway for few days, and therapy for support.

Buy her Mommy Burnout book too by Ziegler.

I literally had to read your post a few times. What?! My husband is very successful professionally, you bet he is zipping up those dinners and signing up for camps and packing lunches. Oh, and he does the dishes and laundry too.

Folks, I have news. It’s 2021. Your wife is not your maid, personal house manager, cook, and nanny, and secretary. If you treat her like that no doubt she is going to walk. This is like unpaid, repetitive, thankless work that is necessary to run any household and if you don’t want to step up don’t have a family.

+1

OP's wife DOES NOT WORK by her own choice. Her kids are 11 and 14. That is what a SAHM of school-aged children is: a house manager, chauffer, cook, and camp signer-upper. If she wants to go back to work, that's a different story, but did she say that? Or she just wants no husband, no responsiblities, but also no job?

Signed,

A SAHM of school-aged children

^^^

This is why I think this is a simple fixable mid-life crisis.

She got everything she wanted but is noticing she will be an empty nester soon with what feels like nothing to show for it. She’s missing she has 2 amazing kids that she raised.

She needs to write a new chapter, it doesn’t need to be away from her H. It’s not her H fault and he is not standing in the way.

What sadly might happen is she steps back from the mom role, the H steps up like most CEO moms do, realizes he can do both, like CEO Moms do and then feels worse.

He dates finds a super awesome 2nd wife and is jealous gor the rest of her life because she did all the work snd she gets all the easy years.

nope. Sunk cost. We saw what "he" was capable of when needed by his kids and spouse and he failed. No desire to continue to let him fake it and tag along. Second wives know this. They know that raising kids did him in, and they don't care because they saw the same thing happen to their ex husband and now are happily gone from that and raising kids singlehandedly.

^^ psycho alert

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get OP's wife. She should just do what she wants but stay married and keep her nice lifestyle. He husband does not sound like he wants a divorce or wants to nickel and dime her. So he's a little emotionally detached - so what? I wouldn't blow up my life over that.

m

He’s not emotionally detached, he’s detached from choosing summer camp

But if he has a non-working spouse with an 11 and 14 year old, I can see why that would be her “lane” so to speak.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH could’ve written the same thing. I’m not interested in another relationship at all. No affair here. I just want peace & quiet. I want to stop bickering. I want to relax and destress. I want to be alone. DH and I don’t have anything in common anymore so we’re like passing ships most times. So isolating to be in a relationship like that.

Can you try to share some of her interest? Support her new ventures? Maybe listen?

Wish you well

I could have written this. 18 years of marriage and 5 years dating. I totally understand.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't get OP's wife. She should just do what she wants but stay married and keep her nice lifestyle. He husband does not sound like he wants a divorce or wants to nickel and dime her. So he's a little emotionally detached - so what? I wouldn't blow up my life over that.

Well it sounds like there's a lot of water under the bridge. She sounds beyond pissed...

Well let her try it out with alimony and child support and being TRULY alone. I bet she won't like it as much as she thinks. Wherever she goes, there she'll be and all that.

She sounds done. I am sure she would be fine with alimony and child support. Once someone feels this way, “lifestyle” does not mean that much. Freedom and hope means more.