I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are some scripts on Mr Money Mustache on how to talk to your spouse re: money. You might have to look around a bit to find them.

Big picture it sounds like you are overstressed and your health is suffering from the stress. I'd emphasize that to her.

If she wants to stay part time I'd suggest downsizing your life.
Sell a car. Move to an apartment. Buy clothes at thrift shops etc. Get the $25 per month phone plan. Eliminate cable etc.

Why should the family downsize to underwrite the wife's laziness?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.

I agree! And the people suggesting he move to the private sector and make more money are truly nuts. He has a well-paying, stable job that will provide him and his family with a pension, good insurance, etc. It would be incredibly stupid and short-sighted for him to give that up for a less stable job as the breadwinner. I mean, what are you guys even thinking??

And, she also has a job. If he wants her to work more and harder so should he. He could also take a second job.

What? The wife doesn't even work full time and husband needs a SECOND JOB? So her majesty can put in more quality ass on couch time?

He can work harder by picking up more chores if he likes. Her job brings peanuts.

The wife needs to step up. If she is an SLP with current credentials she can get a good job. She could probably even have a decent amount of flexibility depending on her workplace.

Lots of us have two parents working and get everything done we need to, including taking time off with sick kids and all the household stuff. Unless you have special circumstances, people with high school kids don't need someone to be a SAH parent.

I can't believe the PPs who responded talking about the cost of housekeepers and gardners! So out of touch with how most people live.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.

Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?

Our neighbor’s kid in high school routinely gets home at 12:30, and, shortly thereafter, a load of other teens arrive with duffel bags. They’re doing who know what for several hours. Parents don’t get home from work until 6:30 or so, well after they are gone.

Uh, okay. This is not a usual situation. High school kids do not get out of school at 12:30. You are fear-mongering.

I’m just stating one example. The neighbor’s kid arrives at 12:30 and others arrive at varying times. He probably gets home early to make sandwiches for their study groups.

LOL SANDWICHES FOR STUDY GROUPS?

Haven’t you seen how I met your mother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, there are some scripts on Mr Money Mustache on how to talk to your spouse re: money. You might have to look around a bit to find them.

Big picture it sounds like you are overstressed and your health is suffering from the stress. I'd emphasize that to her.

If she wants to stay part time I'd suggest downsizing your life.
Sell a car. Move to an apartment. Buy clothes at thrift shops etc. Get the $25 per month phone plan. Eliminate cable etc.

Why should the family downsize to underwrite the wife's laziness?

I think it is a bit much to call the wife "lazy" since we are only hearing from the person who is writing the story.

[Anonymous]

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What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

I'll bet she does a whole lot more with the kids, and with the job it's f/t. Not to mention cooking and cleaning so OP needs to put a sock in it.

They have cleaners! What is she doing with high school kids constantly? Do you guys posting even know high school kids? They barely want anything to do with you.

Every three weeks House still has to be cleaned in between those times

Is he going to do his share of laundry, cooking, cleaning, paying bills, transport kids, yard, and other responsibilities? I don't mean...he's "helps".

She could make a deal with him. If he does 50% then she keeps a f/t job, if not she goes back to p/t. That's called a compromise.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP that's the problem a lot of women have. DH "helping" isn't doing the 50% if both have f/t jobs.

Going by what you posted it looks to be fairly equal.

Why would he do 50% if she doesn't work? He shouldn't.

If she starts working full-time, they can redistribute. Stop pretending it takes an army of elves.

Obviously meant if she goes back full time.

[Anonymous]

I missed the part where DW is a SLP.

She should definitely go back because as a SLP she can definitely get a decently-paying job. If she's working PT that means all her credentials are up to date.

If she's a school-based SLP she'd also be eligible for pension. And she may well have a lot of flexibility to pick up the kids and do kid stuff anyway because she'd be home on holidays and summers!

[Anonymous]

NP - I think the issue is that this us being framed as all or nothing “go back to work full time”

Are there any things your wife can do to increase her income and only bring her hours up to day 30?

If she starts her own business can she charge more per hour? Can she hire another speech therapist to work under her? Just trying to think out of the box here because I have to imagine there are ways for a very skilled person to make more per hour without signing up for completely full time.

Finally, how about framing this as temporary push for her to help with college so she can feel like the hero? It might me more palatable for her to think about it that way instead of as “going back to work full-time” with no end in sight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP - I think the issue is that this us being framed as all or nothing “go back to work full time”

Are there any things your wife can do to increase her income and only bring her hours up to day 30?

If she starts her own business can she charge more per hour? Can she hire another speech therapist to work under her? Just trying to think out of the box here because I have to imagine there are ways for a very skilled person to make more per hour without signing up for completely full time.

Finally, how about framing this as temporary push for her to help with college so she can feel like the hero? It might me more palatable for her to think about it that way instead of as “going back to work full-time” with no end in sight.

Well OP is working full-time with no end in sight and somehow doesn't faint.

[Anonymous]

THIS THREAD IS BONKERBALLS!

How is anyone standing in defense of the wife?? Are we all being trolled by russian bots??

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op I would give her a couple options. For instance tell her ‘either you go back to work or we downsize to this townhouse’ or move further out, for example. Try not to make it about effort or who is being fair, it’s just a sheer numbers game, we need to save this much for retirement/college, we can’t do it now, therefore we cut costs here or earn more, that’s it.

I actually agree with this. Of course the ideal scenario is that the wife would get a full time job. However, since OP really can't make the wife get a job, he should start to downsize their lifestyle to meet savings goals. Look into moving into a smaller, older home. Older cars. Have a house cleaner or lawn service? End those services. Downgrade cell phone plans. No more eating out.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:NP here.

When DH asked me to become a SAHM after my 2nd kid was born, I refused at first. The way to get promoted in my particular field was through seniority. If I left the workplace, I would lose seniority and then I would have had to start from the bottom again. I also did not want my DH to become a jerk and disrespect my contribution later on, or my family to have financial difficulties and not be able to afford a decent life, college and retirement etc.

I told my DH that I would only quit if he could manage the college and retirement on his own and that I would never have to return to work again. When he readily agreed, I believed him because he had not touched a dime of my earnings through out our marriage and he had made me bank 100% of what I had earned under my name. Everything else we own jointly. Added to that was that there was no pre-nup or anything like that.

I also told him that I would retain the cleaning service etc. that I had when I was a WOHM. He agreed for that too. His rationale was that the cleaning service does the work that both he and I don't want to do, so that is a shared benefit.

My kids are in HS now, and DH is extremely grateful that I have been there to guide them through HS and college application process. When I was offered a full-time well paying job recently, my DH and kids were not happy after they realized that I will not be available to run things smoothly. DH is not a highest earner of DCUMland, but we are able to live comfortably (with some luxuries) in 40% of what he earns because we kept our fixed costs low.

I am sympathetic to OP's plight because if he did not have money woes, he probably would not have asked his wife to return to work FT. Also, most people do need the contribution of both spouse to secure their financial future. still, he needs to understand that the way he is approaching this is very disrespectful. This is a financial problem and both OP and his DW need to figure out a way to deal with it. I think his wife would be more amenable to going back to work after the kids go back to college.

Or, most people need to stop overspending for basics like housing. You live within your means. Nice brag.

Living way below our means is not a brag. It is a way to prioritize what is essential...college and retirement. It means A longer commute for my DH, average cars, average wardrobes, home cooked meals, and living with substandard home public school. It means spending money on EC, teaching my kids at home so that they are high achievers and can go to go magnet schools.
It means a weekly cleaning lady who can take over the exhausting chores and that I can use my extensive education to guide my kids.

The thing is that my DH has brains and he is strategic. He supports me because he wants our kids to get the best care and counselling from a highly educated mom. He has allocated my talents in a sphere that benefits our family and our children the most. He is a decent earner who wants to come out ahead in areas of his life that I can make happen...high achieving, well raised happy kids, a smooth running household, a beautiful house, meeting his social and family obligations. And he does not gaslight me like OP is doing. Yes, sure I could have make around 100k and that would have made our household wealthier but what would be the point? He comes home with stories of his colleagues divorcing, the kids having issues with drugs, drinking, teen sex, dropping out and he is immensely grateful of my role and our lives.

I don't for a moment feel bad that we are living in neighborhood with the lowest ranked public schools. We made some sacrifices in housing, commute. But we were very strategic about what we valued. It is amazing to see slow and steady winning the race. I would respect and love my DH even if he made less money because I am smart enough to make silk purse out of a sow ear, but I would have divorced him if he gaslighted me like OP.

So you intentionally put your kids into crappy schools so you can brag about not working and how your DH respects your SAHM role? I’m so confused. It’s like you purposely created adversity so you can feel some sort of purpose instead of both working.

Yeah, I'd say your priorities are messed up, lady!

Well, we actually bought a house that was affordable to us and was only twice our HHI at the time. We knew that the curriculum of the entire district (MCPS) was substandard compared to our own home country. Private schools were even more disappointing. So it was obvious that we would be supplementing at home. Opting for an Elementary Title 1 school for our children was not a problem because we are not scared of diversity, and in early ES were happy that our kids were not in a bubble. The resources and funding available for Title 1 schools resulted in my kids getting accelerated and differentiated in early ES. Since I was extremely clued in about how to navigate the path to the best education in the county, our children got into the magnet track from elementary school onwards and both are in magnet high schools in highly selective STEM programs. We did not spend any money through K-12 for them to get an excellent education. No, prep company cost either To date, my kids have applied to all magnet programs they have been eligible for and have got into all. We also did not pay for a just-ok small house that was priced high because it was in a W-school district in MCPS.

Since we are a donut hole family, we were able to save for 8 years of college for both kids, with a limit of maximum of $50K per year for each- which is around $800K. None of this would be possible if we had bought a house in an expensive neighborhood with highly rated schools. We believe that schools do not produce high achievers. High achievers are produced in homes that value high academic achievement. Did not hurt that DH and I, both are academically high achieving, even if our HHI is not top 1% but top 3%.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:THIS THREAD IS BONKERBALLS!

How is anyone standing in defense of the wife?? Are we all being trolled by russian bots??

There's a bunch of SAHM on here who are arguing that they are staying at home in order to save their children from a life of drug use and delinquency.

[Anonymous]

OP said wife made $18k last year. Let's be very, very generous.... Say she works 45 weeks a year. Because heaven forbid her HS kids be alone for a few hours during xmas or summer break.

$18k over 45 weeks a year is $400 a week. We've hired speech solo practitioner speech therapists in DC. Ones who weren't part of the big shops and didn't have the same well known name, but we liked them. So they were cheaper than the big shops. If i recall 5 years ago they were charging $150/hr in DC. So very, very conservatively let's say OP's wife charges $100/hr. So she's currently working FOUR HOURS A WEEK?? what the hell? Get a job!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP - I think the issue is that this us being framed as all or nothing “go back to work full time”

Are there any things your wife can do to increase her income and only bring her hours up to day 30?

If she starts her own business can she charge more per hour? Can she hire another speech therapist to work under her? Just trying to think out of the box here because I have to imagine there are ways for a very skilled person to make more per hour without signing up for completely full time.

Finally, how about framing this as temporary push for her to help with college so she can feel like the hero? It might me more palatable for her to think about it that way instead of as “going back to work full-time” with no end in sight.

Well OP is working full-time with no end in sight and somehow doesn't faint.

OP is a low earning male. He should have not had more kids than he could provide for. Or should have married someone who agreed to work full time and was ok with 1 kids. Does not sound like a intelligent male and I am not surprised he is earning what he is earning. Sorry, must suck to be this man's wife!!