I told DW it’s time for her to return to work FT

[Anonymous]

OP, it sounds like a lot of your stress is living abouve your means. If wife does not want to pull her load you need to downsize your life.

Maybe get a checkup and talk to your doctor. Tell wife
the stress is killing you, literally. Look at Mr. Money Mustache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, if the kids are sick, can you take off and stay home with them. Can you do all (and schedule) after school activities, doctors appointments, last minute things as if she starts working she will have no leave and depending on the job, no flexibility. Are you willing to grocery shop, cook, make lunches, help with homework, drive for activities every day? Again, she'll have no flexibility for a while?

Of course not. His wife has a f/t job. If she increases her hours she'll have 2 jobs.

Why do high school kids need help with homework and lunches made? Do you make their beds and tie their shoes too?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
What if she's fine living on a lower income? You can't make someone work for a lifestyle they don't want, OP. This is my husband. He has a high IQ, multiple terminal degrees, and earns very little in a little business working for NIH scientists. It's maddening that he thinks everything is peachy when all his peers have actual careers and make much more.

Or, he could get a better paying job. That is what my husband did.

I'll bet she does a whole lot more with the kids, and with the job it's f/t. Not to mention cooking and cleaning so OP needs to put a sock in it.

They have cleaners! What is she doing with high school kids constantly? Do you guys posting even know high school kids? They barely want anything to do with you.

Every three weeks House still has to be cleaned in between those times

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is that it gives clear insight into why so many kids arrive at college totally incompetent and unable to manage basic life functioning. It's eye-opening.

Yup. Do you really need an adult to sit with a high school student when they are home sick or make them a sandwich? Or be home at 3 to make sure they start their homework?

Our neighbor’s kid in high school routinely gets home at 12:30, and, shortly thereafter, a load of other teens arrive with duffel bags. They’re doing who know what for several hours. Parents don’t get home from work until 6:30 or so, well after they are gone.

Uh, okay. This is not a usual situation. High school kids do not get out of school at 12:30. You are fear-mongering.

I’m just stating one example. The neighbor’s kid arrives at 12:30 and others arrive at varying times. He probably gets home early to make sandwiches for their study groups.

LOL SANDWICHES FOR STUDY GROUPS?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I’m not a SAHM but the above is real life and it sucks.
When our child was sick for 2 weeks, then another child sick for a week it destroyed us.
We had to cancel a vacation because we blew through our PTO.
To say nothing of trying to eek out work from home and tens to a sick child. It was hard.

We spend our weekends running errands at least one day and it sucks.
After work is a flurry of grabbing kids from school/activities and doing homework, house stuff, etc.
It’s not easy or fun. We do it, but to demean people who choose to avoid this and pretend this isn’t real life is not helpful.

If you have no outside help, no family help, it’s an entirely different level. Please don’t brush that away.

OP didn't choose to avoid this. His wife made a unilateral decision to avoid this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP that's the problem a lot of women have. DH "helping" isn't doing the 50% if both have f/t jobs.

Going by what you posted it looks to be fairly equal.

Why would he do 50% if she doesn't work? He shouldn't.

If she starts working full-time, they can redistribute. Stop pretending it takes an army of elves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Come on! She needs to get back to work. Not fair at all to The husband.

Clearly she knows if she does alimony may be reduced, unless imputes income is factored.

Very unfair.

She is a professional who chooses to work part-time. No judge would give her ample alimony. At best a few years since she can easily opt to work full time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sometimes i think there are like six sahms on dcum who are nuts about hammering home their over-the-top points about how vital they are to the natural balance of the universe. This thread is nuts.

I cannot imagine being married to someone who had agreed to go back to work after, say 5 years (circa age 35) and 15 years later they still aren't work (circa age 50) and you're already annoyed with their lack of contribution, and now you have to watch them for another FIFTEEN years have absolutely no function in your house until you retire. That's a really, really long time. I couldn't respect that person anymore.

My BIL hasn't held a job in almost 20 years. My in laws blame his wife becaase "she won't let him work." It is insane. And he was not/is not Mr. Mom either.

Is he cute? A mambo? At the end of the day it's the couples choice.

He's not, really. I don't know what a "mambo" is -

But she has wanted him to get back into the workforce for almost all of that time. I don't know if she really loves him or it would just be too expensive for her to divorce him at this point. He's a super nice guy, but he's basically a bum.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
High schoolers that used to be middle schoolers that used to be elementary schoolers.
My point was in response to a poster brushing off all SAHM’s as worthless.
I am NOT a SAHM but my above post was to demonstrate how the things that poster demeaned and devalued are very real for many families.

And I suppose yes, if I had a 15 year old home with a blazing fever and pneumonia, yes I would want to be with them. I’m a mother. I love my children and would still want to be there for a very very sick child and not gone from 630am to 6 pm.
Sorry!

Oh I see. Guess what, OP may want to do this too yet he can't. He's a parent. He may want to be there for a VERY VERY sick child.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would be pretty shocked if someone out of the workforce for 15 years could find a job paying anything close to 60-70k.

Op here, some judgmental people but of course it’s DCUM. To some of the posters, DW is a speech therapist working part-time. I know that she can transition to full time and make $50k - her skills are current and demand is high. And yes, I do help at home with cooking, laundry, cleaning etc, and we also have a cleaning person every 3 weeks. I never said I wanted a divorce either, I just need he to make more. We don’t spend frivolously but there are still lots of expenses, especially with college looming. I’ve done what I can to earn more and took a stressful GS-15 job as a result, but I’m 15 years in towards a pension so not going to leave for a private sector job.

OP, you are absolutely within your rights to want this and anyone who says otherwise is 100% wrong.

I agree! And the people suggesting he move to the private sector and make more money are truly nuts. He has a well-paying, stable job that will provide him and his family with a pension, good insurance, etc. It would be incredibly stupid and short-sighted for him to give that up for a less stable job as the breadwinner. I mean, what are you guys even thinking??

And, she also has a job. If he wants her to work more and harder so should he. He could also take a second job.

What? The wife doesn't even work full time and husband needs a SECOND JOB? So her majesty can put in more quality ass on couch time?

He can work harder by picking up more chores if he likes. Her job brings peanuts.

[Anonymous]

OP is a GS-15. Presumably he has the flexibility and leave to do any of the parenting things people are mentioning here for high schoolers.

[Anonymous]

We are only getting OP's side of the story, but in general, I would agree that OP's DW should go back to work, however, I highly doubt that after 15 yrs she can find a job that pays $60K.

Also, I know a woman who became a SAHM a few years after the kids were born. She didn't work until her kids left the house for college. They definitely could've used the money. It was partly because her DH worked/traveled a lot, medical issues, and resentment of her DH (long history.. but basically she supported him and his family in the early years and other issues in the marriage). She eventually went back to work, but was making basically minimum wage.

[Anonymous]

Op I would give her a couple options. For instance tell her ‘either you go back to work or we downsize to this townhouse’ or move further out, for example. Try not to make it about effort or who is being fair, it’s just a sheer numbers game, we need to save this much for retirement/college, we can’t do it now, therefore we cut costs here or earn more, that’s it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are only getting OP's side of the story, but in general, I would agree that OP's DW should go back to work, however, I highly doubt that after 15 yrs she can find a job that pays $60K.

Also, I know a woman who became a SAHM a few years after the kids were born. She didn't work until her kids left the house for college. They definitely could've used the money. It was partly because her DH worked/traveled a lot, medical issues, and resentment of her DH (long history.. but basically she supported him and his family in the early years and other issues in the marriage). She eventually went back to work, but was making basically minimum wage.

What everyone is missing is that she is a speech therapist and can likely work for herself as many hours as she would like (or currently, doesn’t like). She doesn’t have to get a job in an office. She can easily make more money and is choosing not to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Living way below our means is not a brag. It is a way to prioritize what is essential...college and retirement. It means A longer commute for my DH, average cars, average wardrobes, home cooked meals, and living with substandard home public school. It means spending money on EC, teaching my kids at home so that they are high achievers and can go to go magnet schools.
It means a weekly cleaning lady who can take over the exhausting chores and that I can use my extensive education to guide my kids.

The thing is that my DH has brains and he is strategic. He supports me because he wants our kids to get the best care and counselling from a highly educated mom. He has allocated my talents in a sphere that benefits our family and our children the most. He is a decent earner who wants to come out ahead in areas of his life that I can make happen...high achieving, well raised happy kids, a smooth running household, a beautiful house, meeting his social and family obligations. And he does not gaslight me like OP is doing. Yes, sure I could have make around 100k and that would have made our household wealthier but what would be the point? He comes home with stories of his colleagues divorcing, the kids having issues with drugs, drinking, teen sex, dropping out and he is immensely grateful of my role and our lives.

I don't for a moment feel bad that we are living in neighborhood with the lowest ranked public schools. We made some sacrifices in housing, commute. But we were very strategic about what we valued. It is amazing to see slow and steady winning the race. I would respect and love my DH even if he made less money because I am smart enough to make silk purse out of a sow ear, but I would have divorced him if he gaslighted me like OP.

How is OP gaslighting his wife? They agreed she'd be home when the kids are little. The kids are no longer little. It's time to earn her keep.

No one cares what your husband thinks. OP's wife isn't married to your husband.

Plenty of kids out of SAHM households do drugs. Plenty of kids out of divorcing homes do not.

Educated parents don't make their children go to the lowest ranked public schools. Your decisions are nothing to brag about.