Reply to Can you bounce back from being bad-mouthed to spouse's friends?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP, I'm one of the pps you thanked for being kind. So sorry this thread has gone off the rails, but that happens on this board some times. Take it with a grain of salt.

Sounds like you've taken some really positive steps for yourself. Way to go! You can do this.

And, easy on the Advil. My neuro told me that if you take it for more than two days in a row, it can trigger withdrawal headache. Keep your Tylenol/Advil plan quite short.

Best of luck.[/quote]

Op is deluding herself that her husband is remorseful and scared about this.  Being supportive of her denial is not a kindness.  Being supportive of her going to therapy to gain strength and understanding of the situation is helpful.  Telling her to work on her marriage to psychopath is akin to blaming the victim here - not cool.

This is not Op's fault.  Her husband and his friends have quite literally been snubbing her for years.  There is a level of contempt and cruelty here that is NOT normal.  Her husband will continue to treat her like crap and undermine her sense of self worth in order to keep her under control.  [/quote]

+1 well said[/quote]

Very.[/quote]

"Kind" poster here. I realize you feel that your "calling it like you see it"/tough love approach will ultimately be helpful. Unfortunately, calling the OP delusional and telling her she's wrong to want to work on her marriage - whatever you might judge of it or her circumstances from what you know from an anonymous internet post - is profoundly damaging. The OP needs to come to her own conclusions about her husband, her kids, her needs, and her marriage IN HER OWN TIME.

Second, if you read all of my comments, you will see that I specifically stated that (in a post you didn't quote), that recovery from this sort of behavior requires 200% commitment on the part of her DH and that it was not a good sign that her DH was not showing that effort yet. But, I still trust the OP to decide for herself what all of this means. Further, it's ok that she does not decide today to respond in a certain way or to take drastic action, like divorce. Her feelings and circumstances may change over time and with the help of a therapist, which I strongly encouraged her to see ASAP (on an emergency basis, if necessary - another post you failed to quote), she can determine what she wants to do. Thankfully, she's taking that advice.

Look, it's one thing to affirm what OP clearly already knows, which is that her husband has not treated her in a loving or respectful manner. It's also perfectly ok to encourage OP to get professional support as she works out what that fact means for her and what decisions she'd like to take in response. I'd even say it would be helpful for OP to hear from BTDT posters who have faced similar challenges and how they handled it. But, that's really where it needs to stop. OP needs to process. She needs space to breathe and reflect and decide for herself the best course of action. One step at a time. [/quote]

We are telling her to go to a counselor to sort this out.  Her husband has been treating Op like the enemy behind her back since they started dating.  His friends snubbed Op at her own wedding. Her dh is not to be trusted.  He is not a trustworthy person.  At best he is a very damaged person and at worst he may be a very bad person.

Just think about what this man has been saying about his own wife, the mother of his kids.  The level of contempt shown by this man is unreal.

Op needs to talk to someone that she can trust who is on HER side.  And I don't think that Op should let her husband know that she is seeing a counselor until her counselor says that she should.

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