Can’t get husband to help with Easter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

What kind of messed up marriage are you in? Keep it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

What kind of messed up marriage are you in? Keep it to yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

Did OP say she didn't love her husband? Does he not love her? Why not just advise her to get a divorce instead of creepily asking everyone else about their sex life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

What kind of messed up marriage are you in? Keep it to yourself.

I’m in a marriage where we both want the other person to be happy.

I’m sorry, but it seems really sad to be married to someone who can’t be bothered to buy your kids Easter candy and then to consider yourself “dumb and useless” if you aren’t fulfilling all of his wants

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

What kind of messed up marriage are you in? Keep it to yourself.

I’m in a marriage where we both want the other person to be happy.

I’m sorry, but it seems really sad to be married to someone who can’t be bothered to buy your kids Easter candy and then to consider yourself “dumb and useless” if you aren’t fulfilling all of his wants

He bought Easter candy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

I'm trying to understand how to know when to exchange sex for Easter candy. For instance, does the candy need to be purchased in certain aisle, the packaging need to be easter packaging?

Suppose the spouse relocated a regular Butterfinger from the checkout aisle to the Easter aisle. Then the Butterfinger is allowed to 'marinate' in the Easter aisle for an appropriate amount of time to absorb the Easter-ness. Does the Butterfinger become Easter candy, and therefore make that spouse eligible for oral sex?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

What kind of messed up marriage are you in? Keep it to yourself.

I’m in a marriage where we both want the other person to be happy.

I’m sorry, but it seems really sad to be married to someone who can’t be bothered to buy your kids Easter candy and then to consider yourself “dumb and useless” if you aren’t fulfilling all of his wants

No, you're in a marriage where your husband is supposed to cater to your every demand and whim, without a question, setting aside his own wants, needs and preferences so that you will be available for sex, probably when you feel like it. Not exactly an egalitarian healthy marriage with two "loving" partners. But somehow you think everyone is happy in this arrangement?

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

"If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into"

Explain this. Your husband brings home seasonally inappropriate candy, according to your definition of seasonally appropriate.

How are you keeping score based on the comment you made (and probably now regret making)?

[Anonymous]

Candy and Easter aren't synonymous.

[Anonymous]

This seems like an issue which people on both sides find triggering. There is more to being a good Christian, a good parent and a good spouse than buying sugary junk in the name of Holy Trinity.

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Anonymous wrote:Yes. Like that. He technically did what was asked, but didn’t put any actual effort in or pretend to care. He just went into the regular candy aisle instead of the “seasonal” aisle a few steps further into the store.

I checked with Hershey. They affirm their payday and hershy almonds candy is Easter-approprate candy.

And how do you know what aisle OPs husband bought the candy? Are you stalking him?

Anonymous wrote:If this is the effort you are willing to put into things your spouse cares about, then don’t be surprised when it goes both ways, and your wife treats your sex life as a task that she puts the bare minimum effort into. I mean, do what you want, but you are taking a woman who wants to be with you and turning her into someone who is fine with you both doing your own thing alone.

How do you keep accurate and fair scores in the transactional sex relationship you describe?

I keep score by knowing that my husband and I both love each other and want the other person to be happy. It’s really easy.

I'm trying to understand how to know when to exchange sex for Easter candy. For instance, does the candy need to be purchased in certain aisle, the packaging need to be easter packaging?

Suppose the spouse relocated a regular Butterfinger from the checkout aisle to the Easter aisle. Then the Butterfinger is allowed to 'marinate' in the Easter aisle for an appropriate amount of time to absorb the Easter-ness. Does the Butterfinger become Easter candy, and therefore make that spouse eligible for oral sex?

I’m pretty sure there’s a quality correlation. She will give you a disinterested hand for a Payday, and a fairly obvious reward for some Peeps, but get the kids a custom, Instagram-worthy crucifixion scene and suddenly her friend from college will be in town and wants to meet up.

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Anonymous wrote:If you’re not religious, you have nothing to grouse about. Your husband rightly sees it as just another Sunday. If you want to do stuff, do stuff.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don’t expect him to do something about it, and vice versa. Of course that doesn’t go for doing taxes, household chores, taking care of children, but if he’s not into play-acting a religious holiday he doesn’t celebrate, of course I wouldn’t expect him to do anything.

Your expectations are 100% off, OP.

If something optional/extraneous is not important to my husband, of course I don't expect him to CARE ABOUT IT, but I may still expect him to do something to help with it. I don't mind being the driver behind things that I want to do that aren't needed (end-of-school/beginning-of-summer baskets for our kids, for example - those are not important and I do that because I want to and I don't expect him to do anything about it). But certain things like Christmas presents are technically optional/extraneous and I still expect my husband to participate in that. I don't expect him to care - you can't tell someone to change their feelings on something - but I do expect him to do something about it. Where you draw the line is up to you, but if you recall the threads about a kid needing a red sweater for a school holiday performance, some people think that's a need (because they were told their kid had to have it) and others think it's ridiculous and therefore optional. Stuff like that you may both not want to do but parenting is an awful lot of things you don't want to do. On those things, I don't think it's fair for a spouse to say it's not important to them so they're out. Easter baskets/egg hunts are pretty basic things for kids in UMC America (I can't speak for others because that's how I grew up and how I'm raising my kids). Whether or not people are religious, they still do these for their kids, so I think allowing one spouse to just say I think it's dumb so I won't participate is pretty crappy.

Everybody doesn't have to care about everything equally. Specialization can work too. Everyone has different strengths. Maybe OP can tell us what her husband cares about that she doesn't.

That's literally what I said.

No, you want him to do the work anyway. This is not a good use of anyone's time. You do the things you care about and let him focus on the things he cares about. If your marriage is so lopsided because you have a husband who cares about nothing then that's not a problem anyone can fix for you.

This seems like a recipe to stop having sex post menopause.

Or even earlier! Like with every transaction, if you want the pro quo, you’ve got to provide the quid.

I guess. If you lose your libido earlier and the deal in your marriage is that both people just do the things they want to do and no one does anything just to make the other person happy, then the sex ends whenever one person loses their libido.

There's help for your low libido. Stop blaming your spouse.

Why would I get help to do something I don’t want to do? And what does this have to do with my spouse? He does the things he wants to do. I do the things I want to do.

Then you don't have low libido. You're just asexual.

Sure. There are weeks that I am asexual, and I suspect that I will be mostly asexual after menopause. I know that I was after childbirth.
So what? Why would my spouse care? He can take care of things alone. It’s easy enough. Why would he expect me to participate?

Look lady, nobody cares if you want to eff your husband or not. You had kids with him so he was good enough at some point and you decided to make kids with him. Nobody cares about how dried up you are now.

And no one cares about whether or not you feel pastel Easter candy properly symbolizes the holiday. Sometimes you just do things your spouse cares about because it’s part of being a good partner.

Don’t be surprised and don’t blame your wife when your inability to care about purchasing the candy she wants for the kids leads to her inability to care about having sex with you. This is the relationship and the marriage you built.

You tried so hard to make a point, and failed miserably. I'm a wife, btw. We're not all as dumb and useless as you are.

If you are ever having sex that you don’t want to have with a man who can’t be bothered buy you pastel m&m’s at Easter, you should be in therapy to figure out why your self-esteem is so low.

You're the one deciding what type of sex to give based on the quality of candy. Half interested star fish for Hershey's with almonds but apparently anything goes if it's pastel M&Ms.