Spouse Lets DD Ghost My Mother

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP complained about appointments getting in the way. This suggests something like a standing 1pm Saturday call with Grandma. And OP is angry that things like doctors appointments, haircuts, birthdays getting in the way. I think it is nuts to expect the world to stop in the middle of the day for a casual call. I am with the wife.

The polite thing is for DD to text grandma back with a good time to talk. You don’t leave grandma hanging if she thinks you are calling at a certain time. Again, how do you people exist in the world without basic social skills.

"basic social skills" do not require you to return every call, or make every call someone would like you to make.

Wow. If there is a group text where grandma says let’s talk at 1 pm, yes, DD should acknowledge her grandmother and respond one way or another. Yes, this is basic social skills. It’s a wonder how some of you have relationships and jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I definitely do not want to be on a group chat or speakerphone call with my husband and his parents. I noped right out of that somewhere around my first wedding anniversary.

SAME, girl. I like my ILs but only because I don’t have to talk to them that often. That way I have plenty to catch up on when they visit, too. Helps pass the time!

Good fences make good neighbors. Good boundaries make good In-Laws.

Oh, FFS. IT'S A 5 MINUTE PHONE CALL. AGAIN. IT'S A FIVE MINUTE PHONE CALL. SAY IT OUTLOUD. IT'S NOT A BOUNDARY.

Clearly not. She's not allowed to draw boundaries, even about a 5-minute phone call.

All caps all you like. That argument cuts both ways.

Right? Funny how it's "just a 5-minute phone call" when they want to force her to do it, but not obviously the same 5-minute phone call when she doesn't want to.

Granny's not gonna die of loneliness over a missed call, and reasonable dads don't disown their kids over one, either.

And the DD isn’t going to die of anything by calling her grandmother. See how that works?

Ever do that "hack" where you write out the list of pros and cons for each option so you can really get a look at things and weigh them properly?

The cons of forcing your kid to communicate in this situation dramatically outweigh any pros. There are dozens of other ways to achieve the pros people have listed here (prosocial behavior training, practicing communication skills, maintaining family connections). There aren't a whole lot of ways to get around the "you'll ruin your trust and credibility with your kid" part though.

Really spell it out and look. They're not equal. Not even close.

Yes, you should list out. But it’s not going to come out the way you think unless raising an AH is on your list of pros.

[Anonymous]

I tell my child that it's not worth complaining about something for 10 minutes when the task itself would have taken 2.

Some of you really didn't learn that lesson. Talking to grandma is important, it takes 5 minutes, it's good for DD. If nothing, it's a lesson that in life we don't always just get to do stuff that we love to do. But her mom, like so many of you would rather make it an hour-long task to avoid grandma and jeopardize her marriage in the process.

Perhaps OP's wife is holding as much contempt for him as he is for her. I do think that he should take this on himself and make sure DD is there when grandma calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there grandma has been mean to the wife and/or the daughter, the wife is being a sh*tty mother by interfering here. Purposely scheduling errands during the call is interfering. It’s a parents’ job to help kids keep relationships with extended family — even your spouse’s family.

No, it’s not a woman’s job to help kids keep relationships with the man’s mother. He has two hands and a phone, seems perfectly capable of doing it himself - this does not require a vagina!

I expect my husband to facilitate relationships (and definitely not interfere) with my parents. Sounds like you live in a house with low expectations and no team work.

Yeah I’m sure your husband is off shuttling the kids over to your mom’s house and doing whatever they need while you… sit at home and do nothing? Like op is doing? Gmafb 🙄

[Anonymous]

This thread is bonkers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My Mother is 81, lives alone and has 4 grandkids. Two from me and two from my brother. In addition to our DD, we have a DS. My mother likes weekly calls/face time with them. My son participates happily but my daughter is 'annoyed' by the calls and tries to skip them. I don't allow her to skip them, but my wife does. She'll go so far as to 'forget' to be home with my DD while running errands, schedule conflicting appointments, etc. She will happily 'defend' my DD's objections when I challenge her non participation. Basically, she is complicit and I am irrationally angry over this. Am I wrong?

Grandma and mom doesn't get along and DD stands with her own mother not yours? Your irrational anger towards her mother would ruin your relationship with your own daughter.

This. Pay attention, OP. Your relationship with your kid is gonna be around a lot longer than your relationship with your mom.

DD will need her dad a lot more than he needs her in the next 10 years. The wife is a fool for not seeing this. Stand offs like this are how estrangements begin. Hope the little brat is ready for a life without a dad.

Millions of kids grow up without a dad. Millions of kids grow up without grandparents. It’s not some sort of death sentence. And op should care about maintaining a relationship with his daughter as she ages, seems like she is fine hanging with her mom so he’s going to get pushed to the side pretty quick unless HE puts in some effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Unless there grandma has been mean to the wife and/or the daughter, the wife is being a sh*tty mother by interfering here. Purposely scheduling errands during the call is interfering. It’s a parents’ job to help kids keep relationships with extended family — even your spouse’s family.

No, it’s not a woman’s job to help kids keep relationships with the man’s mother. He has two hands and a phone, seems perfectly capable of doing it himself - this does not require a vagina!

I expect my husband to facilitate relationships (and definitely not interfere) with my parents. Sounds like you live in a house with low expectations and no team work.

Yeah I’m sure your husband is off shuttling the kids over to your mom’s house and doing whatever they need while you… sit at home and do nothing? Like op is doing? Gmafb 🙄

He does; just like his father did for him. I’m sorry it sounds like you live in an unsupportive house without team work.

But OP’s wife needs to do even less - she needs to leave her HS at home to run errands.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP complained about appointments getting in the way. This suggests something like a standing 1pm Saturday call with Grandma. And OP is angry that things like doctors appointments, haircuts, birthdays getting in the way. I think it is nuts to expect the world to stop in the middle of the day for a casual call. I am with the wife.

The polite thing is for DD to text grandma back with a good time to talk. You don’t leave grandma hanging if she thinks you are calling at a certain time. Again, how do you people exist in the world without basic social skills.

"basic social skills" do not require you to return every call, or make every call someone would like you to make.

Wow. If there is a group text where grandma says let’s talk at 1 pm, yes, DD should acknowledge her grandmother and respond one way or another. Yes, this is basic social skills. It’s a wonder how some of you have relationships and jobs.

Yes, but it's not a summons.

[Anonymous]

I can tell you how this "forced" relationship worked out with my mom. I called her every week for 13 years and let my kids chime in. In all this time she did zilch, didn't develop any relationship and expected me to pretty much serve the kids "on the platter" when she wanted, just like you do with your mom. No ice cream, playground, outfits, school sports, nothing. When the weekly call was missed now and then, there was drama, as if the world ended. Once those 13 years were up, I stopped pleasing her. Now there's no relationship, my kids don't call her, she doesn't call them (she'd never!) and I told her that it's not my problem. Of course, she was an uninvolved mother only interested in herself. Unsurprisingly she's lonely, has no friends, and doesn't talk to her only sister. You cannot change these people and interestingly enough, kids figure this out sooner than we do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread is bonkers.

It's really not. It's 35 people saying:

"make the little brat learn to be a responsible, polite, adult by chatting with a lonely old woman for 5 minutes"

and 2 people saying:

"YOU ARE LITERALLY RAPING YOUR OWN DAUGHTER YOU EFFING NAZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We all know who the true AHs are.

[Anonymous]

If Grandma or Dad's disdain for the teenager is anything like the comments on this thread, I can totally understand why she would want nothing to do with either of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP complained about appointments getting in the way. This suggests something like a standing 1pm Saturday call with Grandma. And OP is angry that things like doctors appointments, haircuts, birthdays getting in the way. I think it is nuts to expect the world to stop in the middle of the day for a casual call. I am with the wife.

The polite thing is for DD to text grandma back with a good time to talk. You don’t leave grandma hanging if she thinks you are calling at a certain time. Again, how do you people exist in the world without basic social skills.

"basic social skills" do not require you to return every call, or make every call someone would like you to make.

Wow. If there is a group text where grandma says let’s talk at 1 pm, yes, DD should acknowledge her grandmother and respond one way or another. Yes, this is basic social skills. It’s a wonder how some of you have relationships and jobs.

Yes, but it's not a summons.

pathetic. I never said DD had to speak to grandma at the appointments hour. I said she shouldn’t leave grandma hanging thinking there is a call. Looking all of you tying to defend this BS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This thread is bonkers.

It's really not. It's 35 people saying:

"make the little brat learn to be a responsible, polite, adult by chatting with a lonely old woman for 5 minutes"

and 2 people saying:

"YOU ARE LITERALLY RAPING YOUR OWN DAUGHTER YOU EFFING NAZI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

We all know who the true AHs are.

OMG YES!!!!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Grandma or Dad's disdain for the teenager is anything like the comments on this thread, I can totally understand why she would want nothing to do with either of them.

I have no disdain for grandma or DD. I have tons of disdain for some of the posters here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If Grandma or Dad's disdain for the teenager is anything like the comments on this thread, I can totally understand why she would want nothing to do with either of them.

Literally nowhere was any disdain shown for the girl. Stop making shit up.