To my husband’s work AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

Boundaries are healthy. Yes, it’s her right to inform him if that’s what she chooses. It’s her right to tell her truth.

But she oversteps when she talks about ruining someone else’s life, marriage, and career. That kind of talk is frankly abusive and shows a misunderstanding of what her own responsibility is in this. She has been hurt and her main responsibility is to address her own hurt. Sorry, but you can’t do that by hurting or trying to control someone else. That is codependency.

She is upset that her trust was misplaced and the plans she had can’t be realized. This is grief.

Victims can do whatever they need to heal. Period. If they want to tell, you can’t stop them. Period. You can’t expect people you harm to help hide your dirty deeds and secrets. Why should they? And why should you get to sleep soundly at night with no consequences when another woman’s life has been destroyed partly by you? You can have countless sleepless nights and torment, hey, at least it was your own will that caused them unlike the unsuspecting spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

But people don’t really care about this. If I preferred the husband to the wife, that’s who I’d remain friends with.

Don’t assume other people are like you. Most people have a moral compass.

Also, if someone is cheating and lying to their spouse/family, this behavior is showing up elsewhere in their life. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is known to lie and manipulate for their own benefit? Doesn’t sound like someone trustworthy.

+1 I have a longstanding friend group and one of the guys dated and married a girl that we all became friends with. He later cheated on her in a particularly awful way and she is the one to this day who gets invited to group get togethers. Some of the guys do still see him for smaller events and run in some of the professional circles. But watching someone behave horribly toward someone you care about and consider a friend will totally change your feelings about that person. I knew this guy for years long than the now ex, but my view of him majorly changed after this fall out.

And FWIW, my friend (the ex) handled things so well. She spoke matter of factly about things, but did not go on a smear campaign. His bad behavior spoke for itself. I 100% understand OP’s vendetta and am not even against the idea of telling the AP’s husband/letting the chips fall where they will. But I think she should sit on this/maybe even talk to a therapist first. Get ducks in a row financially/find new living arrangements if necessary. Have the escape hatch planned first. Also think about how she’ll want friends and acquaintances to look back on her behavior for years to come. Don’t put anything in writing (like email to the AP’s husband). Don’t leave any trail that could make her look bad, she needs to play the 100% innocent party here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

The cheating whore had zero regard to the innocent wife and kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

Boundaries are healthy. Yes, it’s her right to inform him if that’s what she chooses. It’s her right to tell her truth.

But she oversteps when she talks about ruining someone else’s life, marriage, and career. That kind of talk is frankly abusive and shows a misunderstanding of what her own responsibility is in this. She has been hurt and her main responsibility is to address her own hurt. Sorry, but you can’t do that by hurting or trying to control someone else. That is codependency.

She is upset that her trust was misplaced and the plans she had can’t be realized. This is grief.

Uhhh no. Not even close.

Knowing and acknowledging that there could be collateral damage from telling the truth is not being abusive ffs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But people don’t really care about this. If I preferred the husband to the wife, that’s who I’d remain friends with.

Don’t assume other people are like you. Most people have a moral compass.

Also, if someone is cheating and lying to their spouse/family, this behavior is showing up elsewhere in their life. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is known to lie and manipulate for their own benefit? Doesn’t sound like someone trustworthy.

+1 I have a longstanding friend group and one of the guys dated and married a girl that we all became friends with. He later cheated on her in a particularly awful way and she is the one to this day who gets invited to group get togethers. Some of the guys do still see him for smaller events and run in some of the professional circles. But watching someone behave horribly toward someone you care about and consider a friend will totally change your feelings about that person. I knew this guy for years long than the now ex, but my view of him majorly changed after this fall out.

And FWIW, my friend (the ex) handled things so well. She spoke matter of factly about things, but did not go on a smear campaign. His bad behavior spoke for itself. I 100% understand OP’s vendetta and am not even against the idea of telling the AP’s husband/letting the chips fall where they will. But I think she should sit on this/maybe even talk to a therapist first. Get ducks in a row financially/find new living arrangements if necessary. Have the escape hatch planned first. Also think about how she’ll want friends and acquaintances to look back on her behavior for years to come. Don’t put anything in writing (like email to the AP’s husband). Don’t leave any trail that could make her look bad, she needs to play the 100% innocent party here.

I think she will. I think she’s venting now, likely because you can’t tell anyone IRL when you aren’t sure what you will do and you don’t want it getting back to kids. I have every faith she will methodically roll out this master plan.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

The cheating whore had zero regard to the innocent wife and kids.

If you blew your husband more often he wouldn’t have had to find someone who would.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To those sayng the OP should not tell the AP's husband:

The cheated-on husband needs to know. He needs to get tested for STDs (as does the OP). Who knows whether his cheating wife has slept with other men as well as the OP's DH? Basic health is one reason to tell the spouse of an AP partner about an affair.

So is fairness: He deserves to live a life where he is fully informed as he makes choices. When people have affairs, they are taking away their cheated-on spouses' agency in their own lives.

Imagine finding out years later than your spouse was cheating on you while together, as a couple, you made plans for your kids, bought a home or made other big changes, shared experiences on vacations, planned your retirement together etc. All while you thought you actually WERE a couple, and the whole time, you were not; a third person was part of the relationship all along, but was invisible to you.

That is part of the deep destruction cheating creates; the cheated-on spouse has lived, maybe for years or decades, believing that choices were made, memories forged, kids raised, by a team of two. When that wasn't real. The cheater can compartmentalize it as "It was just sex!" but the cheated-on spouse's day to day life is actually a lie. That's why the AP's DH should know. It will hurt him but at least he'll get back real agency over his own life and choices.

I mean, if you managed to do all those things—vacationing, planning retirement, buying a home, etc, while your spouse was having an affair, and it didn’t impact anything (ie, you didn’t ever know about it), then how was it all a lie? It didn’t have any effect on your life.

You utterly, profoundly missed the entire point of the post to which you're responding. FFS.

The planning etc. is not the issue. Making plans about a future together, making decisions together, believing you are part of a couple, a team, that's the point, and that's what the cheater betrays. The lie is the lie that there's a commitment to moving through life together, on the same page. When one half of a couple has an affair, it turns that commitment, and the life built based on that commitment, into a sham.

The fact that you see only that you still get to take the vacation, buy the house, sock away money -- that's strange. Maybe you just see the transactions and have no notion of a married couple doing all those things to build a life, not merely a portfolio to be split up when one of them says, by the way, there was a third person involved in everything we did and chose "together."

But if you never found out about it then it didn’t actually affect your life, so who cares?

It's objective reality that the person you thought you were building a life with doesn't actually exist. Plus, these things have a way of coming out eventually.

It's not a victimless crime if you don't get caught

People like to think this but it's really not true. Anything you see is merely the tip of the iceberg.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

The cheating whore had zero regard to the innocent wife and kids.

You seem to miss the point. The OW's husband is an innocent party here, and OP is getting her revenge at his expense. She is pretending that she's doing it in part to help him, but the reality is that she is doing it for spite and without regard to the OW's husband. That's selfish. It makes OP less sympathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

It's so disgusting, but also so so common on here.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

Well, she shouldn't have to even think of the OW's husband, since his own spouse didn't give a damn about him. If his own spouse couldn't care less about him, the OP shouldn't have to. She only needs to think about what is best for her and her family. If I were in her situation, I'm sorry, but I couldn't give a sh*t about the OW's family. Why would I want to be living in hell and just allow the AP to live her life as if everything were fine after what she had done? I wouldn't be screaming it from the rooftops, but i sure as hell wouldn't just allow her to go on with her life as if she hadn't ruined mine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

Boundaries are healthy. Yes, it’s her right to inform him if that’s what she chooses. It’s her right to tell her truth.

But she oversteps when she talks about ruining someone else’s life, marriage, and career. That kind of talk is frankly abusive and shows a misunderstanding of what her own responsibility is in this. She has been hurt and her main responsibility is to address her own hurt. Sorry, but you can’t do that by hurting or trying to control someone else. That is codependency.

She is upset that her trust was misplaced and the plans she had can’t be realized. This is grief.

Victims can do whatever they need to heal. Period. If they want to tell, you can’t stop them. Period. You can’t expect people you harm to help hide your dirty deeds and secrets. Why should they? And why should you get to sleep soundly at night with no consequences when another woman’s life has been destroyed partly by you? You can have countless sleepless nights and torment, hey, at least it was your own will that caused them unlike the unsuspecting spouse.

Murder?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

The cheating whore had zero regard to the innocent wife and kids.

If you blew your husband more often he wouldn’t have had to find someone who would.

Did she kiss her own husband with that mouth? lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

I think people are thinking about the OW's husband. OP seems to be gleeful about wrecking that marriage without regard to the innocent people involved. I, for one, am not sure I'd want to know if my spouse were cheating.

The cheating whore had zero regard to the innocent wife and kids.

If you blew your husband more often he wouldn’t have had to find someone who would.

Stop defending the cheating a$$holes who disregarded their entirely family and life for... a bj? You are sick.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

Boundaries are healthy. Yes, it’s her right to inform him if that’s what she chooses. It’s her right to tell her truth.

But she oversteps when she talks about ruining someone else’s life, marriage, and career. That kind of talk is frankly abusive and shows a misunderstanding of what her own responsibility is in this. She has been hurt and her main responsibility is to address her own hurt. Sorry, but you can’t do that by hurting or trying to control someone else. That is codependency.

She is upset that her trust was misplaced and the plans she had can’t be realized. This is grief.

Victims can do whatever they need to heal. Period. If they want to tell, you can’t stop them. Period. You can’t expect people you harm to help hide your dirty deeds and secrets. Why should they? And why should you get to sleep soundly at night with no consequences when another woman’s life has been destroyed partly by you? You can have countless sleepless nights and torment, hey, at least it was your own will that caused them unlike the unsuspecting spouse.

Murder?

FFS, dummy. Of course they mean “legal”.