To my husband’s work AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But people don’t really care about this. If I preferred the husband to the wife, that’s who I’d remain friends with.

Don’t assume other people are like you. Most people have a moral compass.

Also, if someone is cheating and lying to their spouse/family, this behavior is showing up elsewhere in their life. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is known to lie and manipulate for their own benefit? Doesn’t sound like someone trustworthy.

I don't think this is true at all. And most people just consider this a private matter, not something that everyone needs to take a side on.

Nah. Most good people do care. That's why ALL of our friends dumped my cheating, lying ex. He betrayed everyone, including them.
It's only his superficial, low moral, appearances-only family who are turning a blind eye and "respecting our privacy"

Even ex’s family hates him for it. Many cut him off.

Sure they did. In your fever dream.

I’m close to my MIL. Truth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But people don’t really care about this. If I preferred the husband to the wife, that’s who I’d remain friends with.

Don’t assume other people are like you. Most people have a moral compass.

Also, if someone is cheating and lying to their spouse/family, this behavior is showing up elsewhere in their life. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is known to lie and manipulate for their own benefit? Doesn’t sound like someone trustworthy.

I don't think this is true at all. And most people just consider this a private matter, not something that everyone needs to take a side on.

Nah. Most good people do care. That's why ALL of our friends dumped my cheating, lying ex. He betrayed everyone, including them.
It's only his superficial, low moral, appearances-only family who are turning a blind eye and "respecting our privacy"

Even ex’s family hates him for it. Many cut him off.

Sure they did. In your fever dream.

I’m close to my MIL. Truth.

FWIW- fil was an alcoholic cheater— so she cannot with the cheating. She divorced when kids were young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But people don’t really care about this. If I preferred the husband to the wife, that’s who I’d remain friends with.

Don’t assume other people are like you. Most people have a moral compass.

Also, if someone is cheating and lying to their spouse/family, this behavior is showing up elsewhere in their life. Why would you want to be friends with someone who is known to lie and manipulate for their own benefit? Doesn’t sound like someone trustworthy.

I don't think this is true at all. And most people just consider this a private matter, not something that everyone needs to take a side on.

Nah. Most good people do care. That's why ALL of our friends dumped my cheating, lying ex. He betrayed everyone, including them.
It's only his superficial, low moral, appearances-only family who are turning a blind eye and "respecting our privacy"

Even ex’s family hates him for it. Many cut him off.

Sure they did. In your fever dream.

DP not the PP to whom you're responding, but you and the "delulu" PP clearly don't get that a cheater's own family can absolutely turn on the cheater. Friend's DH cheated and his own parents cut contact with him, but were involved in their ex-DIL's and grandkids' lives in a big way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
To those sayng the OP should not tell the AP's husband:

The cheated-on husband needs to know. He needs to get tested for STDs (as does the OP). Who knows whether his cheating wife has slept with other men as well as the OP's DH? Basic health is one reason to tell the spouse of an AP partner about an affair.

So is fairness: He deserves to live a life where he is fully informed as he makes choices. When people have affairs, they are taking away their cheated-on spouses' agency in their own lives.

Imagine finding out years later than your spouse was cheating on you while together, as a couple, you made plans for your kids, bought a home or made other big changes, shared experiences on vacations, planned your retirement together etc. All while you thought you actually WERE a couple, and the whole time, you were not; a third person was part of the relationship all along, but was invisible to you.

That is part of the deep destruction cheating creates; the cheated-on spouse has lived, maybe for years or decades, believing that choices were made, memories forged, kids raised, by a team of two. When that wasn't real. The cheater can compartmentalize it as "It was just sex!" but the cheated-on spouse's day to day life is actually a lie. That's why the AP's DH should know. It will hurt him but at least he'll get back real agency over his own life and choices.

I mean, if you managed to do all those things—vacationing, planning retirement, buying a home, etc, while your spouse was having an affair, and it didn’t impact anything (ie, you didn’t ever know about it), then how was it all a lie? It didn’t have any effect on your life.

You utterly, profoundly missed the entire point of the post to which you're responding. FFS.

The planning etc. is not the issue. Making plans about a future together, making decisions together, believing you are part of a couple, a team, that's the point, and that's what the cheater betrays. The lie is the lie that there's a commitment to moving through life together, on the same page. When one half of a couple has an affair, it turns that commitment, and the life built based on that commitment, into a sham.

The fact that you see only that you still get to take the vacation, buy the house, sock away money -- that's strange. Maybe you just see the transactions and have no notion of a married couple doing all those things to build a life, not merely a portfolio to be split up when one of them says, by the way, there was a third person involved in everything we did and chose "together."

But if you never found out about it then it didn’t actually affect your life, so who cares?

It's objective reality that the person you thought you were building a life with doesn't actually exist. Plus, these things have a way of coming out eventually.

It's not a victimless crime if you don't get caught

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

This is probably the most articulate thing I have ever read on a DCUM cheating post.

[Anonymous]

I feel like her DH is going to end up living happily ever after with the AP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

Boundaries are healthy. Yes, it’s her right to inform him if that’s what she chooses. It’s her right to tell her truth.

But she oversteps when she talks about ruining someone else’s life, marriage, and career. That kind of talk is frankly abusive and shows a misunderstanding of what her own responsibility is in this. She has been hurt and her main responsibility is to address her own hurt. Sorry, but you can’t do that by hurting or trying to control someone else. That is codependency.

She is upset that her trust was misplaced and the plans she had can’t be realized. This is grief.

[Anonymous]

OP, I went through this, and have advice depending on what evidence you found…

If it’s explicit photos, I suggest you very carefully review your jurisdiction’s revenge porn laws before sending the pictures to her husband. But you can probably use them as evidence for your own divorce, and you can use them to guilt your husband into a settlement.

If it’s sexy texts (or similar), you can send them to her husband, but they likely won’t meet the threshold for evidence for court.

[Anonymous]

"Won't someone please think of the homewreckers!?" --DCUM cheaters (or wannabe cheaters) thinking it's perfectly fine for OP's life to be destroyed, but don't dare hurt the people who were the destroyers.

The moment you cheat on your spouse, is the moment you forego any consideration by your spouse. The spouse who has been betrayed, gets to decide how they react, not some stranger whose own marriage is undoubtedly unhappy and you empathize w/ a cheater because you are one or want to be one.

OP, don't do anything before you really think about it, but ultimately, do what you think is best for you and your family.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You two work together. You should know after all these years that he’s sloppy and can be less than thorough when he’s distracted.

I found evidence of your affair from your recent work trip and dug deeper to find screenshots and other useful material. It really wasn’t even that hard. You chose to gamble your future on a fool who doesn’t cover his tracks. Like I said, after the myriad of hours you spend talking and the years you’ve worked together, you should know how he is.

I’m going to share these with your husband. I don’t know when yet. I’m sitting on it and deciding. Your home situation is delicate right now, and I know this is the last thing you need. I’m going to enjoy it. Your poor husband. He has no idea. He seems like a nice man too.

Hope it was worth it. Good luck.

oh honey, I've been through this. You NEVER warn the AP that you're going to tell. That gives her the opportunity to tell her husband there's a crazy person about to contact him.
You SPRING it on them, scorched earth. With evidence. And then let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how the cheaters/aps always out themselves in the comments. It’s fine if you wouldn’t tell anyone that your husband and his coworker are banging, but trying to dissuade other women from telling the truth? Disgusting and truly nasty.

Eh, it’s not about not telling the truth. If she had come on here and said that was her purpose I think she wouldn’t have gotten pushback. Her purpose is clearly revenge. Ruining the other woman’s life. Etc.

Sorry, but you don’t have that kind of power! So you tell him. You have no idea what’s going to happen after that. Maybe they reconcile. Maybe it helps them fix their marriage to see how far it’s gone. Or maybe it pushes your DH and his AP closer together.

You just don’t control other people’s lives. And frankly, living from that place instead of trying to get your life together is just not healthy. What does OP need to do to heal?

Who are you to tell someone else what is ‘healthy’ in handling this kind of betrayal? Maybe it’s not healthy for you, maybe it’s totally healthy for others. Maybe getting everything out in the open IS the healthier way, rather than rug sweeping or bottling it up for the sake of random internet people judging 🙄

Boundaries are healthy. Yes, it’s her right to inform him if that’s what she chooses. It’s her right to tell her truth.

But she oversteps when she talks about ruining someone else’s life, marriage, and career. That kind of talk is frankly abusive and shows a misunderstanding of what her own responsibility is in this. She has been hurt and her main responsibility is to address her own hurt. Sorry, but you can’t do that by hurting or trying to control someone else. That is codependency.

She is upset that her trust was misplaced and the plans she had can’t be realized. This is grief.

DP. I told. Her husband divorced her—-but I truly didn’t care what happened once I told. I so wish someone had told me. I also felt he had the right to know because she was putting the family at risk. And another part of me felt like if she was finally discovered and held accountable maybe, just maybe, another woman would be spared this happening to them. Maybe just maybe she would stop banging married men and get some therapy and a conscious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You two work together. You should know after all these years that he’s sloppy and can be less than thorough when he’s distracted.

I found evidence of your affair from your recent work trip and dug deeper to find screenshots and other useful material. It really wasn’t even that hard. You chose to gamble your future on a fool who doesn’t cover his tracks. Like I said, after the myriad of hours you spend talking and the years you’ve worked together, you should know how he is.

I’m going to share these with your husband. I don’t know when yet. I’m sitting on it and deciding. Your home situation is delicate right now, and I know this is the last thing you need. I’m going to enjoy it. Your poor husband. He has no idea. He seems like a nice man too.

Hope it was worth it. Good luck.

oh honey, I've been through this. You NEVER warn the AP that you're going to tell. That gives her the opportunity to tell her husband there's a crazy person about to contact him.
You SPRING it on them, scorched earth. With evidence. And then let the chips fall where they may.

+100 surprise attack. Definitely. And dates and any specific evidence so she can’t continue to gaslight and say it was only one night or it’s just some crazy that thinks she was flirting or some other BS

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also, I predict from all this that your revenge will backfire and may draw your husband and the AP closer. They may end up remarrying and building a great new life together, fueled in part by whatever sense of shared victimhood got them into this affair which you are now just going to double down and add more evidence for. Your behavior will make her pity your husband and and make your husband turn to her. Whereas if you took the high road they would have to actually deal with their guilt. Just not smart.

Don't listen to this.
The high road is informing everyone.
I did this 15 years ago, husband and I still happily married. His AP, on her third divorce. I have NEVER regretted it.