My marriage is going to break over the little things

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

It occurred to him to keep the new glass table clean! You can be as critical of OP's husband as you want, but I think plenty of people have said that what he did was not objectively bad. And if OP had actual gripes, then perhaps she should have focused on those, because picking a fight with her husband because he left a plate on the couch while watching a movie isn't the hill to die on. Maybe seeing that will help her move forward.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

You think this sounds fine?

"It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes."

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

You think this sounds fine?

"It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes."

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...

That’s was total BS. If that was the issue she should have led with it not added it after pages off a pile on. Plus I am not convinced someone is angry the next morning about the the plate is causing a whole lot of make-work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This all could have been avoided had you just asked him if he was finished eating then you could have just picked the plate up yourself.

The tug of war power play is what's going on in your house. Alpha female vs. Alpha male. LET IT GO.

Women, just clean up behind the men in your lives as you have done for centuries. How had can it be?! (We wouldn't know because are too manly to do women's work).

DP. You're missing the point. OP is the one who cared about the plate on the couch, therefore it was on her to do something about it. There's nothing wrong with a plate sitting on a couch for two hours while you're watching a movie.

I an very Type A and like it when all the labels in the fridge face forward. My husband and kids couldn't care less. As a result, it is completely unreasonable for me to expect them to face all the labels forward when they put stuff away. Sometimes they do it because they know I like it (or because that's how they happen to be holding it anyway), but for me to chastise them about it would be absurd. People can have preferences, and you can certainly share those preferences with your spouse, but to get mad at them for not following your preferences is a recipe for disaster (exhibit a, OP's marriage dynamic).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

I have been there.

Counseling really helped me. I think what I realized from listening to him in counseling is that I just have to let him be who he is and paddle my own canoe.

That 1000% means I had to adjust my goals for our domestic life. I just did. I can’t make him be the partner/teammate I thought he would be. I can’t! There is only the him who is there, and he is in charge of that person. I still love him. I have a different and perhaps more realistic view.

Part of the problem was that I felt like I would be a doormat or a chump if I stopped pushing for him to pull his weight. But ultimately, our relationship is much better because I fully respect his autonomy. If you do that and you really hate the lazy schmuck who lives in your house, you can still get divorced.

I'm not OP but why do you have to be the one to change? Why does your partner get to have a spouse + a personal assistant/chef/housekeeper (whatever it is he isn't pulling his weight on)? The rest of us would love a partner who took care of the rest of these pesky life details. Or even just an equal partner.

DP. We can only control ourselves, not other people.

That doesn’t excuse poor behavior from a partner. It takes two to have a partnership.

Sigh. It's not being used an excuse. The sooner you can comprehend that the better off you'll be. But if you are determined to be miserable, then go ahead. Some of us don't want to live like that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

OP, you didn't tee up this thread appropriately. It isn't about the little things. It's about this HUGE imbalance of workload in your marriage. That's not little at all.

Agreed. And picking a fight about a plate isn't the way to solve your problems. In fact, it just makes everything worse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I get it. It isn't just the plate on the couch (which is weird) it is the constant things that add up. It is never that one thing in life.

Was he drinking, even just a beer? I have seen this dynamic with a friend. One beer and he pushes back at everything--can't be wrong. Next morning he concedes he is wrong. Talk about getting old.

I do think that saying things nicely to see if you can turn the tide. Hey, do you mind putting the plate in the sink? A shame that we have to treat adults like kids.

Op here, thank you for reading it how I meant but clearly not how it is coming off. Yes, it's not just the plate on the couch, it is the constant things adding up.

OP most people couldn’t live with someone “correcting” them like that. Your DH is probably way, way more on the tolerant side than you think. You really are the problem here. If you think it’s going to break your marriage, it will only fix if you’re willing to do some hard work on yourself.

Our issues are NOT over me correcting him all the time. I shared one example, one thing that happened last night. It's much more than that. My point was that our disagreements are about little things. It's NOT about him doing things I dont like. That's not what our marriage is about. Our disagreements are about day to day things.

Everyone is coming out me... fine. You can say I am completely wrong in last night's situation, fine. What you dont see is the ridiculous amount of frustration behind that situation.

It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes.

SO yes... after coming home from a full week of work, and taking care of all the household stuff after work, I saw a plate on the couch and got frustrated.

What can be simplified, OP? What can be outsourced? What can the kids be involved in?

Send out laundry and have everyone put theirs away when it is returned folded. Automate grocery order and get delivered. Hire cleaners. Have an organizer come in quarterly to help create and maintain systems and help purge. Minimize what needs to be done. Train kids to make lunches after dinner and to pack backpacks.

Someone still has to manage all of that and it doesn't sound like its going to be the DH.

It sucks OP. And women on this site love to tell us that our DH's sucking is our fault. Its not.

I had this conversation with one of my children the other day when she asked why a bad friend dynamic (friend A being mean to friend B and my child being the third friend who was there at the time) was her fault. I said it isn't your fault, but it's your problem. My daughter wasn't being mean to anyone, but she witnessed mean behavior and therefore it became an issue that she needed to address with the friends. (Or she could have walked away, and sometimes that is the right answer). Reframe the way you think about things. If your husband sucks, it's most likely not your fault. But it IS your problem to deal with. They're not the same thing. And I can see how sometimes people do think someone is to blame for the dynamic they have created. If you let someone do X for years and then all of a sudden you want to say they can't do X anymore, you will need to realize that changing things isn't that simple. So sometimes people do bear some responsibility for where they find themselves, but most often it's more just that they have to deal with it not because it's their fault, but because it's their problem. I think some people are so angry about this topic that they can't read anything without reacting dramatically.

[Anonymous]

You're F'ing kidding me if that's your example of why your marriage is going to break. LIGHTEN UP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm with you OP. Simply because you don't like it is enough of a reason for him not to do it. I see it as disrespectful.

But it doesn't sound like OP has repeatedly told her husband not to put plates on the couch - this was a one-off situation, and instead of letting him know that she didn't like it, she attacked him for doing something that is not an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I get it OP. Reading your first post, I knew the deeper issue was about division of labor. It doesn't occur to him to try to keep the couch clean because he won't be the one to try to clean it if it does get dirty. The little things add up because if they go wrong, they fall on you, and so you want to prevent issues while none of it even lands on his radar.

I think your deeper issue is a common one. It is 100% the dynamic I struggle with at home. I really think there is no answer. you cannot change him. Unless he wants to be more aware, nothing you do can get him there. It will only hurt your relationship. So try to let it go. The only other option is misery and divorce and that is not a better road, given that your relationship sounds fine otherwise.

Work on modeling good behavior for your kids, ask them to pitch in and bring their plates etc. it's easier and more natural to speak kindly to your kids kindly on this issue because you are teaching them and don't have the resentment. Hopefully your husband will pick up on the family expectation and will want to aid in the effort to set good examples for the kids. Don't nag him. Get him on the same team.

You think this sounds fine?

"It's about me doing 90% of the work at home despite trying to have many conversations about how I need help because we both work full time but I am the only one doing laundry, doing groceries, packing kids lunches, making sure kids have what they need for school/activities, cleaning the home, doing ALL the things ETC. DH feels like he does his part but the issue is that there is way more than needs to be done. So it falls on me. ALL OF IT! We have had conversations about it, I even wrote him a letter once so I could calmly lay it all out. DH agrees with me, he agrees that most of the load falls on me but nothing changes."

Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play...

Does your DH do the yardwork, car maintenance, take care of major appliances, etc? So many women complain about having to do housework, but then give husbands zero credit for things they do and she doesn't have to worry about. I'll happily clean toilets and do all the laundry in the air conditioning, as my DH is out in the heat, humidty, and gnats pushing a lawn mower.

[Anonymous]

Maybe he doesn't think that -- all of the "90%" work at home that she does -- all needs to get done.

That's the disconnect. It's not that he's unwilling to do his share. He just doesn't agree with what the share is. Leaving a dish on the couch for a few minutes ... the horror!

[Anonymous]

Seems likely OP is a troll, esp with the dolling out details. Has she been back recently?

If not, the waking up in a rage suggests underlying mental health issues that need medical attention imo. Anything else is secondary. Sounds like mood issues that have worsened in peri, perhaps. Happens.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

My kids are 10 and they still sometimes leave socks lying around. It happens. I calmly ask them to please bring them to their room and they will calmly do so. I don't say "I am SHOCKED that you left your socks out again! Are you seriously going to keep doing that?!" I guess we all have to pick the hills we are willing to die on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

Dude, no, you're not allowed to care about socks on the table. It's so uncool.

(Sorry, this thread is just full of the usual DCUM pick me not like other girls who are just so carefree. As you know DCUM tends to be. So free spirited. It's just stuff, man.)

Nope. I'm totally Type A and very anal. I like everything in the fridge to face forward. But you know what? I can either drive myself crazy trying to control everything, or I can take a second to think about whether or not something REALLY matters. If you think that means I'm trying to be so cool, then ok. To me, it's a better way to live than to be uptight all the time. And it takes work for me to chill out, but it's worth the effort.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I dont know... it all sounds so petty as I write it but the environment at home is just not what I had hoped for it to be. It is constant fights about stupid things and I am worn out. Every other day this week we have had a similar issue.

There will be stupid little things in a shared household. The question is, do you need or want to pick a fight about every one? This did not have to be a fight. You made it into one.

+1 - My DH leaves dishes downstairs on the regular when he has a snack while watching late night tv, falls asleep and then forgets to bring them up. He kicks off his socks and puts them under the family room coffee table (twice this week!). It drives me crazy. I have asked him on multiple occasions calmly to not do this. Sometimes he remembers, sometimes he does not.

You know what? Now I just bring them up if I see them and don't say anything. To your point we agree on the big stuff. Living with other people can be annoying but on some things, especially the little ones, you roll with it. I'm sure I have annoying habits that he is too nice to point out.

One of my family members regularly leaves their socks under the coffee table. They're 5. They're learning. I don't know what your DH's excuse is or why he can't clean up behind himself like a normal adult.

+1. I don't think the issue is the dirty dish and whether it should be on the couch. If OP says it bothers her, then the DH should respect her opinion.

This isn't actually how the world works. Just because something bothers me does not mean that the rest of the world needs to cater to my preference. Do you people really think this is how things work? And yes, your husband is obviously supposed to care more about you than some random person at the grocery store, but still, it is insane to expect someone to respect your OPINION all the time, especially if their opinion conflicts with yours.

I like sliding into a neatly made bed at night. My husband doesn't care if the sheets are rumpled. Who is right? The answer is, we're both entitled to our opinions, and since I care about the bed, I make it. Simple solution.