How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

Do you not have any friends?

+1. She's not "literally" a part of their relationship. She set 2 people up, one is just a coworker. I can see how they would get an invite to the wedding "we owe it all to Sue" but that doesn't mean it trumps a 20 year friendship where the friends are like family. Sue felt conflicted enough about it and new RSVPing no was going to be a problem. So it wasn't that easy of a decision for her to make when she felt obligated to go to the other wedding as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. Not a troll - a long, long-time DCUMer (check with Jeff if you want).

Friend's DH doesn't know the other couple well & probably was nervous about being alone at that wedding. I think Sue only tried to split the baby to try to fix things, but now she and her DH can relax and have fun at the other wedding. I apologized to her DH because I know my friend has been worried & stressed about all this, and also I feel bad that I made Sue's DH feel anxious.

How does Sue know the groom to have set them up?

[Anonymous]

Yeah, I agree with the overall sentiment here. You know she's a good friend because she offered to split up with her husband to try to go to both. I love celebrating with friends and family but it's even better when I'm there with my husband so I wouldn't have loved this idea or offered it unless it was for someone I really felt like I didn't want to let down. I would hope someone this important to me would also understand if I just couldn't make the event and not hold it against me. I get where you're coming from OP, but good friendships shouldn't come with loyalty tests. Hopefully considering your long history, she'll accept your apology and just move on.

[Anonymous]

Stop badgering her and get a life, OP. You are not entitled to anything.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

Good job, OP, I’m impressed with your graciousness. Enjoy the wedding.

Way to be receptive to criticism that isn’t always to hear, OP. You did great.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You made your DD's wedding way too much of a deal for them. You mention many times how much you all have talked about it. It seems exaggerated. They are your friends, not your daughter's friends. And this is your daughter's wedding, not yours. It seems logical that your friend would want to attend the wedding of her friend/colleague instead of your daughter. You probably got very excited about your daughter's wedding to the point of annoyance.

I agree. OP, I think that you are overreacting significantly. Sue is between a rock and a hard place. She very likely DID want to attend your DD wedding. However her playing a role in introducing a couple that results in their marriage cannot be overstated. She is not responsible for scheduling either of these weddings. This person is also her friend..not her friend’s daughter. Sue has other relationships, it doesn’t diminish your relationship with her unless you do. She offered splitting her time and missing the other couple’s wedding. You were unnecessarily obstinate. You insisted in all or nothing and got nothing. This is why Sue didn’t say anything because she knew how you would react. Being disappointed is understandable, but the pressure campaign and going nuclear..it’s extreme and selfish. (And 5th grader ish)

That you would end a 25year very close friendship over this says a lot about you and your values, in a negative way. She is not missing your wedding, it is your daughter’s who has her own friends separate from yours.

Be disappointed, take some time,then apologize for your actions and happily move forward so that Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte can be together again. The City is not the same when Samantha is gone!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will definitely connect with her again after the wedding, and I'm sure - with all this feedback in mind - I will be open to the conversation. Clearly I let my DD's wedding get in my head to the point where I was being unreasonable.

Thanks all!

Very gracious response, OP 👏 - I applaud you, rare to see on DCUM.

Agree. Well done OP!

No, it isn't. "I will be open to the conversation" suggests OP is willing to listen. In reality, it's OP who needs to offer an apology. and hope her friend is open to it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I will definitely connect with her again after the wedding, and I'm sure - with all this feedback in mind - I will be open to the conversation. Clearly I let my DD's wedding get in my head to the point where I was being unreasonable.

Thanks all!

Very gracious response, OP 👏 - I applaud you, rare to see on DCUM.

Agree. Well done OP!

No, it isn't. "I will be open to the conversation" suggests OP is willing to listen. In reality, it's OP who needs to offer an apology. and hope her friend is open to it.

Um - she already did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

Do you not have any friends?

+1. She's not "literally" a part of their relationship. She set 2 people up, one is just a coworker. I can see how they would get an invite to the wedding "we owe it all to Sue" but that doesn't mean it trumps a 20 year friendship where the friends are like family. Sue felt conflicted enough about it and new RSVPing no was going to be a problem. So it wasn't that easy of a decision for her to make when she felt obligated to go to the other wedding as well.

NP. A wedding day is first and foremost about the two people getting married.

Sue feels closest—as a direct peer—to her coworkers. Those are her actual friends. Sue may well like OP’s daughter and have a pleasant relationship with her, but it’s not a peer relationship.

OP is acting like Sue is missing her own wedding. Get real.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made your DD's wedding way too much of a deal for them. You mention many times how much you all have talked about it. It seems exaggerated. They are your friends, not your daughter's friends. And this is your daughter's wedding, not yours. It seems logical that your friend would want to attend the wedding of her friend/colleague instead of your daughter. You probably got very excited about your daughter's wedding to the point of annoyance.

I agree. OP, I think that you are overreacting significantly. Sue is between a rock and a hard place. She very likely DID want to attend your DD wedding. However her playing a role in introducing a couple that results in their marriage cannot be overstated. She is not responsible for scheduling either of these weddings. This person is also her friend..not her friend’s daughter. Sue has other relationships, it doesn’t diminish your relationship with her unless you do. She offered splitting her time and missing the other couple’s wedding. You were unnecessarily obstinate. You insisted in all or nothing and got nothing. This is why Sue didn’t say anything because she knew how you would react. Being disappointed is understandable, but the pressure campaign and going nuclear..it’s extreme and selfish. (And 5th grader ish)

That you would end a 25year very close friendship over this says a lot about you and your values, in a negative way. She is not missing your wedding, it is your daughter’s who has her own friends separate from yours.

Be disappointed, take some time,then apologize for your actions and happily move forward so that Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte can be together again. The City is not the same when Samantha is gone!

PP here, just read your updates. Glad DCUM was helpful to you and appreciate the updates. Enjoy your daughter’s wedding and I’m glad the Fab Four can continue!

[Anonymous]

I am siding with OP on this one. Friend new well in advance of her friends daughter's wedding. Not just a casual friend or someone she's known for a couple of years. Her best friend of 20 years. Friend said all the way up to the RSVP date she was coming and then couldn't even be bothered to RSVP; she had to be called and asked. Lazy. Instead she got a later offer to go to a coworkers wedding and is doing that instead. So be it, but yes she jilted her friend and it's going to cause hurt feelings and friend needs to own that. It's comically selective here when you are allowed to have hurt feelings about. How little you should expect family and friends to be present in your life. I wouldn't end the friendship over this, but I definitely see who you are now and what my expectations should be of your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made your DD's wedding way too much of a deal for them. You mention many times how much you all have talked about it. It seems exaggerated. They are your friends, not your daughter's friends. And this is your daughter's wedding, not yours. It seems logical that your friend would want to attend the wedding of her friend/colleague instead of your daughter. You probably got very excited about your daughter's wedding to the point of annoyance.

I agree. OP, I think that you are overreacting significantly. Sue is between a rock and a hard place. She very likely DID want to attend your DD wedding. However her playing a role in introducing a couple that results in their marriage cannot be overstated. She is not responsible for scheduling either of these weddings. This person is also her friend..not her friend’s daughter. Sue has other relationships, it doesn’t diminish your relationship with her unless you do. She offered splitting her time and missing the other couple’s wedding. You were unnecessarily obstinate. You insisted in all or nothing and got nothing. This is why Sue didn’t say anything because she knew how you would react. Being disappointed is understandable, but the pressure campaign and going nuclear..it’s extreme and selfish. (And 5th grader ish)

That you would end a 25year very close friendship over this says a lot about you and your values, in a negative way. She is not missing your wedding, it is your daughter’s who has her own friends separate from yours.

Be disappointed, take some time,then apologize for your actions and happily move forward so that Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte can be together again. The City is not the same when Samantha is gone!

x10000

how much time are you going to spend hanging out with your friends that day anyway? Won't you be talking to your DD? Your family? The groom's family??

The wedding is a nice social event for your friends to attend and I am sure they are happy for your DD. But it is her wedding and if your friend's aren't there I doubt it will make or break the wedding for her.

Your friends not attending the wedding is not some signal they don't care or don't like you. It's that your friends are adults and they often have other obligations in life and can't just attend every social event that comes along.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.

DP. Sue did explain, and then OP, by her own admission, badgered and berated her over and over again.

OMG. I know this thread is over (thank you, OP) but where the h&^l is the written text that shows OP "badgered and berated" her friend? I think I read this whole thread and did not see evidence of this. What am I missing?

I also didn’t see any badgering by OP. A one word text? After 20 years of friendship? That’s badgering? I’m on team OP here. After all she expressed most of her (to me justified hurt feelings) on an anonymous website. So much projection in this thread!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You made your DD's wedding way too much of a deal for them. You mention many times how much you all have talked about it. It seems exaggerated. They are your friends, not your daughter's friends. And this is your daughter's wedding, not yours. It seems logical that your friend would want to attend the wedding of her friend/colleague instead of your daughter. You probably got very excited about your daughter's wedding to the point of annoyance.

I agree. OP, I think that you are overreacting significantly. Sue is between a rock and a hard place. She very likely DID want to attend your DD wedding. However her playing a role in introducing a couple that results in their marriage cannot be overstated. She is not responsible for scheduling either of these weddings. This person is also her friend..not her friend’s daughter. Sue has other relationships, it doesn’t diminish your relationship with her unless you do. She offered splitting her time and missing the other couple’s wedding. You were unnecessarily obstinate. You insisted in all or nothing and got nothing. This is why Sue didn’t say anything because she knew how you would react. Being disappointed is understandable, but the pressure campaign and going nuclear..it’s extreme and selfish. (And 5th grader ish)

That you would end a 25year very close friendship over this says a lot about you and your values, in a negative way. She is not missing your wedding, it is your daughter’s who has her own friends separate from yours.

Be disappointed, take some time,then apologize for your actions and happily move forward so that Carrie, Samantha, Miranda, and Charlotte can be together again. The City is not the same when Samantha is gone!

x10000

how much time are you going to spend hanging out with your friends that day anyway? Won't you be talking to your DD? Your family? The groom's family??

The wedding is a nice social event for your friends to attend and I am sure they are happy for your DD. But it is her wedding and if your friend's aren't there I doubt it will make or break the wedding for her.

Your friends not attending the wedding is not some signal they don't care or don't like you. It's that your friends are adults and they often have other obligations in life and can't just attend every social event that comes along.

Exactly!
You are going to be busy. How would you feel if she bowed to pressure and came to the wedding, only to have you stop for just a quick hello because you were giving your time to the out of town guest you rarely see and new grooms' family, as you should? Sure, it's nice if she could make it. She probably thought since you were such a good friend you'd understand her bowing out and was surprised. You also have the right to feel hurt and did the right thing being upfront.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP I am very sorry this happened.

Honestly, why do you want her there? Clearly, she was never going to come. You pushed her and she tried to accommodate, but she never really wanted to come you know that.

The wedding is not about you. The wedding is not about her.

Focus on DD and move on. By moving on I mean that person was never close to you or DD, or something happened recently. My guess is the friendship was one sided yours.

+1

You are not her priority, OP - let it go and believe what she is telling you.

Not sure if this helps, but years ago, when DH and I married, someone I thought was a good friend proved me wrong. We were (like you) part of a small group, went out each and every week, sometimes several times per week, also worked together at one point, and were in each others weddings way back when. We had kids together and constantly laughed together.

Then, one of the group became more selfish and started not showing up, when she said she would, to life events in the group. Looking back, it began at my wedding - when she was trying to get her daughter into modeling. One of our mutual friends spilled the beans, but the rest of us suspected - the child modeling thing was unreasonably important to this friend, because our friend had always wanted to be a model, but was too short (that’s what she told us).

So, none of this made sense to any of us - but nonetheless was apparently important enough to matter enough to miss their alleged friend’s life event. I mean, at least compared to a modeling career that never happened. But, some people value things more than people, and you can’t change that.

The rest of us are still close, and as expected, the friend mentioned above has become more selfish, and will probably never be happy. Now you know what not to look for in your people.