How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

To me it sounds like she made some level of commitment to this other wedding and then when it finally clicked that both are on the same day she found herself in a hard spot. I feel like if she had just been honest with what's really going on it might have been easier.

Weddings are a tough one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

Do you not have any friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is weird to me. It's not your wedding, it's your daughter's wedding. I'm assuming your friends are invited because you paid for it? Otherwise, it's not important that they be there. As a bride, my MILs friends were not invited. They aren't my friends.

I think you and OP may be from different backgrounds or regions in the country. Where I'm from this is a very big deal and I totally get why she's upset.

+1. And yes, Previous Previous Poster, OP is inviting her friends because SHE IS HOSTING the event.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.

DP. Sue did explain, and then OP, by her own admission, badgered and berated her over and over again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.

DP. Sue did explain, and then OP, by her own admission, badgered and berated her over and over again.

Sue kept calling OP!!

I didn't even include that I can't believe Sue took up this much of the mother of the bride's time running up to the wedding.

OP, I saw your update and I'm glad you worked it out. I do think Sue got herself into a jam and it would be a bummer if your friendship ended over this.

Sorry, DCUM, but I'm the dissenter on this one. Sue handled this badly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.

DP. Sue did explain, and then OP, by her own admission, badgered and berated her over and over again.

Sue kept calling OP!!

I didn't even include that I can't believe Sue took up this much of the mother of the bride's time running up to the wedding.

OP, I saw your update and I'm glad you worked it out. I do think Sue got herself into a jam and it would be a bummer if your friendship ended over this.

Sorry, DCUM, but I'm the dissenter on this one. Sue handled this badly.

Because OP kept guilt-tripping Sue every time Sue gave her an answer she didn't want to hear.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.[/quote]

Sue gave her an explanation. She felt that she should be at her friend's wedding, not friends' daughter's wedding. But op didn't like that answer so she badgered her.

[Anonymous]

You both handled this badly. Don’t let it ruin your friendship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

Do you not have any friends?

dp yes and when my friends can't make something I say "ok"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

^^this is my thought, too. It seems she’s literally a part of the other couple’s relationship in a way that is important to them personally because she introduced them to each other. It makes sense that she feels obliged to make an appearance. I agree she has some obligation to you, but surely you see that it doesn’t extend to your daughter. This isn’t your day. Does your daughter even care? Mine wouldn’t give two hoots if a family friend of mine came or not, regardless of whether she babysat for their kids. My MIL insisted on inviting her friends to our very small wedding, I personally didn’t care but in the back of my mind I wondered whether they even really cared that much themselves about being there. I’m sure they felt honored to be included but I can’t really imagine the actual ceremony and seeing all of me and my husband’s friends, people they didn’t know at all, meant anything to them.

Do you not have any friends?

dp yes and when my friends can't make something I say "ok"

Oh please. This wasn't happy hour at Applebees. This was her daughter's wedding. GTFOH.

OP - so glad you worked this out with her! You are a bigger person than me. I would have been so pissed that she started this drama right before my daughter's wedding. I don't know what I would have done but I'm a grudge holder. You sound like a good friend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

Liar.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You both handled this badly. Don’t let it ruin your friendship.

+1 She feels closer to the other bride, not your DD. She made the choice that felt right to her, glad you will now let it go OP. I'm sure if you decide to have a vow renewal or anniversary party, she'll be front and center!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You badgered into agreeing to go (“making sure this was something she wanted to do” when it was glaringly obvious she preferred not to) and then when she had a breather/talk with her husband she realized she wanted to stand firm. Obviously she handled it badly but so did you. She’s friends with you, not your daughter. The other couple is someone she actually knows and feels connected to. I predict your friendship won’t recover but honestly you both behaved poorly.

No. Someone not RSVPing and you checking up on that is not "badgering." If Sue was going to decline, after 20 years of friendship and offering to help with the wedding, she owed an explanation to her friend.

DP. Sue did explain, and then OP, by her own admission, badgered and berated her over and over again.

OMG. I know this thread is over (thank you, OP) but where the h&^l is the written text that shows OP "badgered and berated" her friend? I think I read this whole thread and did not see evidence of this. What am I missing?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

Good for you. Well played.