Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

My husband is supportive of my SAH but also expects me to be a good steward of our money. He prioritizes savings and wants to retire somewhat early. Barring a severe disability that our county refused to service, he would not want to pay for private school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Newsflash, kids over 4 or 5 simply don’t need that much. Most working couples I know just handle it. Trade off drop offs and pick ups. DH cooks and DW does the laundry. It’s not the huge deal that people are making it out to be! How would anyone function if you HAVE to have a SAHP at home? Come on now. Weekends and after hours — unless you both work all the time, that’s not different for working and SAHPs.

There are simple things to outsource, you outsource those. And when you’re not at work you spend time with your kids and trade off a bit. This is not brain science. We live in an age of grocery delivery, automated orders for house supplies, and myriad accommodations at work and at school for working parents. Sure, it could be better. But it is not undoable. With extra income comes extra flexibility. I say this as a working woman who toughed it out in the early years and has more flexibility now.

Lady, I think you might be delusional. Most people who earn $500K do work "all the time"! And while it doesn't sound like OP's DW is going to be taking on an all-consuming job, people re-entering the workforce need to work a lot more, even in less demanding jobs. OP hasn't opined yet as to whether he is willing to take on the extra work, but it seems doubtful he's totally willing to rush home from what's likely a demanding job and cook a meal everyday and spend his weekends grocery shopping.

OP, here's the thing. I can more or less promise you that you don't want to give up having a SAHW. Your posts are so self-centered (not even mentioning what you think is in your kids' best interest) that I find it hard to believe you are going to want to rush off to Target at 8pm the night before a project is due, because they forgot something that since you and your DW were at work all day that's the first time you were able to go. That's the kind of thing that happened when I was growing up with two WOH parents. You have it so easy right now, you have no idea. DH and I both work, and we have a FT nanny for our school-aged kids to handle a lot of household stuff (e.g. cooking, grocery shopping, kids' laundry, shuttling to activities, etc). We would be miserable otherwise.

As to ROI on education, it's hard to take what you're saying seriously because you've provided exactly zero information to suggest that you've attempted to understand what makes sense for your kids' situation. You've only talked about your own background and stated generalities, and you haven't even said whether you are in the same school district that you grew up in. If it matters, I'm private-school educated with elite, private undergrad and grad degrees. DH is public school educated with flagship public undergrad and grad degrees. We're in closely related fields, and he earns ~$1M while I earn ~$400K. I guess his ROI is higher, right? Except I work many fewer hours with a lot more job flexibility than he does. And while it's hard to prove a counter-factual, I do think that I can trace a direct line between the unique aspects of my education and my ability to land such a high-paying, flexible job. None of htis matters though. The specifics of your kids' schools, temperaments, abilities, and needs matter. My kids are in a special program in our local public, because right now that's the best option. But we have the ability to reconsider that at any point...as do you. It's really weird to die on the hill of proving a point about public vs. private education rather than actually examining what's the best option for your kids. It's all well-and-good to talk about how private school is a status symbol, but the reality is that a lot of people make sacrifices to send their kids to private...usually for a reason. Your unwillingness to even consider whether it's a sensible option for your family speaks volumes. You might be a high-earner, but maybe a stronger education could have led you to be a more critical thinker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read everything but I would be kissed if DH rates his need to retire 2-3 years early with the option for a better for for DC’s education. Your salary affords you and your family many things. Why would you not see education at the most important.

We make you salary combined but we agree 100% that DC education is the best $ spent.

I can understand some things but wanting to play golf full time for a year or two earlier or some such seems so incredibly selfish.

You work!! There is a big difference between 2 people making 500k and ONE person making 500k and carrying 3 people on his back!!

You think the wife who takes care of everything at home is not putting the family on her back? Both people in OP's family work; only one gets paid for it. But both contribute to the domestic efforts.

Why then is the only consideration how much extra OP has to work? And why doesn't he give up some luxuries of his own if he wants to retire earlier? I'm sure there are expenses that OP incurs, for his own benefit, that he could forego in exchange for sending kids to private school, and still retire early.

I know someone like OP. He let his mother in law languish in a terrible nursing home because he was insistent on retiring early. But he still had a nice big house, new cars, nice vacations, etc.

[Anonymous]

OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

+1

Honestly, OP - if she wants private school so much, she needs to get out, get a job, and earn substantial money toward private school. Such entitlement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

+1

Honestly, OP - if she wants private school so much, she needs to get out, get a job, and earn substantial money toward private school. Such entitlement.

Yeah, jeez, the entitlement of a mother wanting better education for the kids. Poor OP is going to have to work two whole years more!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Newsflash, kids over 4 or 5 simply don’t need that much. Most working couples I know just handle it. Trade off drop offs and pick ups. DH cooks and DW does the laundry. It’s not the huge deal that people are making it out to be! How would anyone function if you HAVE to have a SAHP at home? Come on now. Weekends and after hours — unless you both work all the time, that’s not different for working and SAHPs.

There are simple things to outsource, you outsource those. And when you’re not at work you spend time with your kids and trade off a bit. This is not brain science. We live in an age of grocery delivery, automated orders for house supplies, and myriad accommodations at work and at school for working parents. Sure, it could be better. But it is not undoable. With extra income comes extra flexibility. I say this as a working woman who toughed it out in the early years and has more flexibility now.

Kids need you more, not less as they get older. Sure, you can just do the absolute minimum, but then why have kids at that point. They need your love and time.

If OP outsources, it will cost them more than his wife will earn.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Dude. People have already given you that advice but you clearly just want to wife bash. You keep acting like your wife is the snob, but I think it's you.

Also, it's 1) incredibly sad that you don't think of someone caring for your home and children as being valuable and 2) incredibly ironic that the reason your wife stays at home instead of "getting a good ROI" is likely because of YOUR CAREER.

Have you ever asked her if she's sorry she stopped working? Have you ever asked her what it would take for her to be able to go back? Instead of acting like she's a freeloader, why don't you ask her what she wants? Is she sad? Is she sorry? What are the obstacles she sees? Did you value the work that she did, or did you disparage it? Were you proud of her working, or did you just complain because you didn't want to be bothered with household things?

Honestly, maybe you should work an extra 3 years, because from your posts it's not clear you bring much to the relationship besides the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

+1

Honestly, OP - if she wants private school so much, she needs to get out, get a job, and earn substantial money toward private school. Such entitlement.

Yeah, jeez, the entitlement of a mother wanting better education for the kids. Poor OP is going to have to work two whole years more!

Again, we have absolutely no idea if it would be better. The fact that you automatically assume it would be better is telling.

[Anonymous]

They can just keep the status quo - no private school and no outsourcing. Problem solved!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They can just keep the status quo - no private school and no outsourcing. Problem solved!

And, Dad step up and help more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

+1

Honestly, OP - if she wants private school so much, she needs to get out, get a job, and earn substantial money toward private school. Such entitlement.

Yeah, jeez, the entitlement of a mother wanting better education for the kids. Poor OP is going to have to work two whole years more!

Again, we have absolutely no idea if it would be better. The fact that you automatically assume it would be better is telling.

No, I don't know, and it doesn't matter what you or I know. What we do know is that OP's wife thinks it would be better. That is not "entitlement" even if she is not direclty earning the money that would pay for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP doesn’t have to agree with his wife that private school is worth the money. He doesn’t have to do it just because she wants it and he can afford it.

+1

Honestly, OP - if she wants private school so much, she needs to get out, get a job, and earn substantial money toward private school. Such entitlement.

Yeah, jeez, the entitlement of a mother wanting better education for the kids. Poor OP is going to have to work two whole years more!

Again, we have absolutely no idea if it would be better. The fact that you automatically assume it would be better is telling.

No, I don't know, and it doesn't matter what you or I know. What we do know is that OP's wife thinks it would be better. That is not "entitlement" even if she is not direclty earning the money that would pay for it.

it's very much entitlement if she is not earning the money. So many women on this board are delusional af and this si coming from woman.

As the saying goes... "NO MONEY, NO TALK!!!!"

[Anonymous]

You sound so coarse OP-- just like the public school plebe you are.

[Anonymous]

A marriage is a partnership. It’s family money. She has a right to want private.