Making SAHM get job to pay for private school

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here, I agree the word "make" her get a job is poor choice of language.

Some good advice here and to answer some questions: she has a good degree fromm an expensive private school (as do most of her friends who are SAH mom's) so she could go back to what she was doing before SAH and probably make 75-100k full time which after taxes would basically just lay for school.

The reason I mention that is because I wonder if she would still think private is worth it if she literally had to endure a year of all the nonsense they work brings just for the joy of saying out kids are in private school.

As others have pointed out, it's just as much about that I see private school as pointless. In fact, I probably have a bit of a chip about it since I started at my company with a dozen others, almost all of them from Ivy or southern Ivy (Duke, Candy) and I surpassed all of them. Most aren't even in the field anymore. Point being, where you go to college doesn't matter as much as people think unless you are in a super rare field that needs a pedigree (like a Supreme Court lawyer). Where you go to high school matters less and middle school?

If this was a cheap expense, then it wouldn't be a hill to die on but it's an enormous expense. Can I afford it? For sure. Does it mean I will work at least 3 more years over this, for sure.

I suppose it just comes down to a philosophical difference as to whether private is an actual benefit vs a country club status thing.

Advice on a productive conversation? Am I allowed to anonymously sneer that my wife's very expensive private school pedigree didn't exactly lead to a good ROI?

Whoo Boy……you really think highly of yourself.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Taking the position that education that costs at least $60k in post-tax income annually isn't a luxury good is classic DCUM.

This. And OP said nothing about the kids having any special needs. Most kids are getting into the same college regardless of whether they go public or private. Many kids are happy, adjusted, and thriving in public school.

It is surreal that there are PPs who seem to genuinely not understand such a basic point.

The debate about private school as a luxury good was in response to a PP who said that she used private school because the school couldn't accommodate her kid who is dyslexic. And then some PP who won the Nobel Prize in Econ 101 has spent a bunch of time weighing in to educate us all about luxury goods.

I'm the PP who has a dyslexic kid and of course private school is a luxury good. It is bizarre that you are arguing otherwise.

But you said that the public school couldn't accommodate your child. If that's true, then private school is not a "luxury" any more than an outfitted van for a wheel chair is a "luxury." Words have meanings.

I'm going with the meaning used by economists. The phrase "luxury good" is a term out of economics. It's a luxury good. I honestly do not understand how you can think otherwise.

Are you an economist? I find that hard to believe. Nor would an economist define an accommodation for a disability as a luxury. I mean, no economist other than you.

This thread is getting off topic, and I am not going to post further on this subject here. You are just flatly wrong. You should probably take some classes in microeconomics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Taking the position that education that costs at least $60k in post-tax income annually isn't a luxury good is classic DCUM.

This. And OP said nothing about the kids having any special needs. Most kids are getting into the same college regardless of whether they go public or private. Many kids are happy, adjusted, and thriving in public school.

It is surreal that there are PPs who seem to genuinely not understand such a basic point.

The debate about private school as a luxury good was in response to a PP who said that she used private school because the school couldn't accommodate her kid who is dyslexic. And then some PP who won the Nobel Prize in Econ 101 has spent a bunch of time weighing in to educate us all about luxury goods.

I'm the PP who has a dyslexic kid and of course private school is a luxury good. It is bizarre that you are arguing otherwise.

But you said that the public school couldn't accommodate your child. If that's true, then private school is not a "luxury" any more than an outfitted van for a wheel chair is a "luxury." Words have meanings.

I'm going with the meaning used by economists. The phrase "luxury good" is a term out of economics. It's a luxury good. I honestly do not understand how you can think otherwise.

Are you an economist? I find that hard to believe. Nor would an economist define an accommodation for a disability as a luxury. I mean, no economist other than you.

This thread is getting off topic, and I am not going to post further on this subject here. You are just flatly wrong. You should probably take some classes in microeconomics.

While the nasty tone of your responses is pretty off topic, the central issue is directly on point.

You consider private school a luxury good (or service) simply because it is expensive and there is a public alternative. Putting aside the fact that you are wrong (and completely illogical and defensive), your lack of understanding of the economic issue actually elucidates the key dispute in this thread--is a private school education simply a status symbol luxury good, like a Porsche? It depends on the child and the needs. Many people (not me, actually) send their kids to private school because the public school is wholly unacceptable or ineffective. What OP doesn't mention is why his wife views the public school as a bad option. He merely looks at it as an unnecessary expense. It might be, but it might not be.

I suspect that your lack of understanding of this key point about the importance of an appropriate education has a lot to do with your defensiveness and general lack of understanding of the economics, not to mention the meaning of the word luxury itself.

[Anonymous]

It is not nasty to say someone is objectively wrong when they clearly are, and it's telling that PP can't see that.

[Anonymous]

Getting back to the original post, OP and his wife both sound like jerks. The marriage sounds doomed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It is not nasty to say someone is objectively wrong when they clearly are, and it's telling that PP can't see that.

All you've done is say over and over that I'm wrong, but you cannot come up with one sensible, principled argument to support your point. You just try to insult and appeal to your supposed authority from having taken some intro econ class. You sound like OP actually.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

Yeah, you’ve posted that a dozen times already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

Yeah, you’ve posted that a dozen times already.

NP - The whole framing of "I will have to work 3 more years" is based on a level of consumption that HE has decided is appropriate. He could probably retire even earlier if he were to give up certain luxuries that HE wants. He agreed to have a SAHM while he was building his career, but that doesn't mean that he unilaterally decides the material lifestyle of his family based simply on how long he wants to work. Of course, that is a relevant consideration, but maybe if that is his number 1 priority, he should give up some unnecessary luxuries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Getting back to the original post, OP and his wife both sound like jerks. The marriage sounds doomed.

I don’t see any indication that OP’s wife is a jerk just for considering public school on a $500k salary.

[Anonymous]

^ private

[Anonymous]

My take:

OP is a jerk. Also there are a lot of triggered people in this thread who think of their spouses as nothing more than walking ATMs amd are upset at the idea that their walking ATM might have feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In these types of marriages, the wife and husband often are living in different worlds and it becomes hard to relate. OP likely doesn’t value everything his wife does and isn’t even aware of everything she is doing. His house is well decorated, clean, his kids well dressed, dinner on the table, activities for kids arranged, vacations planned etc and he thinks it all just happens. He has no idea that by punishing her with a job, he’d only be hurting himself.

It’s why I prefer a more equitable relationship where both spouses work and contribute at home.

Agree. OP wants it all in his " man is boss world". OP, I feel sorry for your wife. You sound like a know-it-all man-baby to me. Public school/college is not what it used to be in your day. Your poor kids!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I think its a great idea for your wife to go back to work. Clearly you are not a particularly nice person and would probably leave her high and dry in a divorce and she needs a back up plan.

With that said, if she goes back to work, she will have little to no leave. Are you prepared to do all the doctor/dental appointments? Are you prepared to take of for half days and teacher work days? Are you prepared to make child care arrangements for summers, spring break and winter break. Are you prepared to take off at a moments notice to pick up your sick chid from school? Are you prepared to be at home 10-14 days if they get covid? Are you prepared to be home early to drive you kids to every activity? No including, the cooking, cleaning and other household duties. And, how much do you think it would cost to hire a full-time nanny?

You make a fortune. I don't get it.

If we made what you did there is no question our kids would be in private. The publics are a hot mess right now.

Does anybody read?? Ops kids are entering teenage years. What is wrong with y’all!!

Everything Pp wrote applies to teenagers. You think an 11 year old can drive themselves to activities, drive home when sick, and cook their own dinner?

Wtf are you talking about??

Another woman who just does not want to work.

Newsflash most families have two working parents who get all of those things you mentioned done for their children. The binary thinking from some of you is sad af.

I am a woman who works. I even out-earn my H.

You're not understanding the point. The point is not that OP's wife shouldn't work. The point is that OP needs to consider how her working will impact his life, lifestyle. and career, and decide if those trade-offs are worth it to him. He will have to make sacrifices in his job, his personal life, hobbies, etc. He won't get to come home and unwind after work, he'll have to pitch in. He'll have to take days off work for sick kids. He'll have to make sure he leaves the office by a certain time to get his kids to their activities. He can say good-bye to any hobbies he has, won't be able to participate in them much anymore.

It's delusional for OP to think his wife will work AND continue all of the SAHM duties, and equally delusional to think children in middle school require little to no care.

Fine, but then the kids can stay in public and she can continue not working.

That's not how marriage works. OP very obviously views himself as the boss and his wife as a subordinate - his words are "making" her pay, "forcing" the issue, he wants to "sneer" at his wife. Marriage is supposed to be a partnership, where you listen to each other, value the things your spouse values, and work together to figure out a solution.

A healthy solution for OP would be:

- Having conversations with his wife about why private school is important to her with a very, very open mind.
- Letting go of his obvious resentment for his wife and view her as an equal partner
- Letting go of his own baggage of outperforming the "Ivies" (who probably never even think about him and may very well have happier marriages and lives than he does). This seems to be the biggest issue, it's not that OP can't afford the school, it's that he has resentment towards people who went to better schools than him.
- Valuing his wife's opinion as equally as his own and acknowledging that she likely has good reasons for wanting their kids in private school.
- Working together to come up with a solution. This could look like many things. Maybe OP's wife goes back to work. Or maybe they figure out other ways they can budget for school, such as downsizing to a smaller home, downsizing their cars, taking fewer vacations, spending less on eating out, etc. On a salary of $500k, there's probably a way to find the $30k for school if you cut out some other things. Or, if OP was planning to retire at 50, realizing that 3 extra years of working until 53 is worth the trade-off. Or OP could look for opportunities to advance his career and make the extra money, if he's interested in developing his career more.

It's clear this is a marriage with a lot of toxicity, but you are excusing the wife's disdainful treatment of OP entirely. She didn't bother to have a respectful conversation with him either. She didn't ask him how he would feel about working an extra three years, she just demanded it. It is remarkably toxic to demand someone else's work like that.

I don't disagree that marriage should not work that way, but you are constructing a narrative where OP is entirely at fault here, and that's clearly not the case.

We have no idea what OP's wife has done or said, because she's not here telling her side.

Regardless, OP is the one here trying to find a solution. If he gets into a power struggle with her and tries to force his decision, it will not help their marriage and will very likely cause more damage.

If he just wants a magic phrase or action to force his wife into submission, well, he's gonna have a difficult marriage and life ahead of him.

If he wants to preserve his marriage and find a solution that works for both of them, then the advice still stands. An open-minded, non-judgmental conversation.

We know that OPs wife has demanded that he work for three more years against his will. That's extremely toxic behavior, and I don't understand why you won't acknowledge that.

LOL did she point a gun at his head and make him hand over a check?

That's your standard for bad behavior?

It is insane to me the contortions that women on this thread are going into to justify the behavior of OPs wife. No wonder there are so many broken marriages and affairs. I'm a woman who has both stayed home and worked, in a great marriage, and I cannot imagine treating my husband the way OPs wife has.

Are you kidding me? You're the one who said she demanded he work for three more years against his will. I cannot see one sentence that justifies that kind of hyperbolic characterization of the situation. Sounds like she really wants her kids to go to public school and is asking her husband for it. Maybe you can call that "bad behavior" (I wouldn't) but how on earth is that demanding he do something against his will?

Where do you think the money will come from? Magic money fairies? OPs wife wants something that will require him to work at least three more years. He doesn't want to work the extra time. How is that not demanding he work against his will?

I feel like this thread has given me insight into why so many men have affairs. The entitlement of the women on this thread is something else. You don't just get to demand someone else works years more for a luxury good that you aren't willing to work for. It is insane behavior.

This is the best comment In this thread. Wholeheartedly agree.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I didn’t read everything but I would be kissed if DH rates his need to retire 2-3 years early with the option for a better for for DC’s education. Your salary affords you and your family many things. Why would you not see education at the most important.

We make you salary combined but we agree 100% that DC education is the best $ spent.

I can understand some things but wanting to play golf full time for a year or two earlier or some such seems so incredibly selfish.

You work!! There is a big difference between 2 people making 500k and ONE person making 500k and carrying 3 people on his back!!

[Anonymous]

I think she should go back to work, and they should stay in public. It would be worse for this OP and the kids. Yet, it would be better for the wife.

Maybe the OP will have a mental breakdown from the stress of the lifestyle change and get the therapy he needs.

Then they can revert back to their comfortable SAHM lifestyle and have private school too. He needs to appreciate her more than this and deal with his issues.

The problem is what happens if she likes working. Then his kids and him wouldn’t get the same amount of attention.
Be careful what you wish for.