Aging parents who refuse to move

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I did OP:

1.) Start gently and assume they are rational. Do all the nice things to tip toe around their fragile egos for a year or 2. When that doesn't work...

2) Consult with aging care advisor and financial advisor. Try to get your parent to agree to speak to them as long as you are on the same page with the advisors. When that doesn't work...

3.) Deal with endless emergencies and drama poorly timed to clash with every stressor in your life. Have this go on for years until you find yourself wishing to somehow fly away from life/run away from it all. Realize you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown between kid stressors, work, spouse illness and your bat sh&t crazy and entitled parents and get therapy. At some point during this one parent dies and all hell breaks loose now with entitled siblings too.

4.) After a period of mourning, set some rock solid boundaries with the remaining parent-gently, but firmly. Make clear what you are asking them to do, what choices they have and what you can no longer do. If that parent tends to be difficult expect rage, tantrums and insults.

5.) Keep your boundaries.Lead your life. Stop saving up those vacation days for emergencies. I did that. I gave up vacations and all the things for their emergencies and the family I created was suffering and I had a death wish. Enjoy your vacations. Lead your life. It took me many years of this mess to the point my living parent was in better health than I was. to finally decide I would no longer set myself on fire to keep this parent warm.

I forgot to add, after the tantrums, the refusing to every speak to you again and storms, in my case the parent did finally explore living options and get moving. Now I hear "why don't you want to visit?" It is mind boggling how selfish people can be for years-not caring about all the things you already have going on such as in my case over the years- (a hospitalized husband who had a life threatening reaction and a long recovery, one of my kids with special needs, the other developed a health issue, work stress and much more.) The one thing I am proud of most is I took the high road. No longer how abusive this parent became, I did not return the abuse, but I did take back my life.

My normal and kind-hearted aunts both appropriately planned for again, moved to over 55 than CCRC and continued to be loving, empathetic and appreciative toward their adult kids so it can happen, but the rigid ones see to be less likely to make changes without stomping their feet and alienating anyone who tries to help.

[Anonymous]

I’ve lived this- same situation to include being in Bethesda in the house I grew up in. But my dad had died so it was just my mom, and it wasn’t well maintained for years before he died. We had to sell the house as-is because I didn’t have it in me to put any time or money into it. They left a lot of money on the table but it is what it is.

My mom finally moved into a place close to me when my biweekly visits to help her weren’t enough and I was unable (and frankly unwilling) to give her more of my time. It would take me 45 minutes to two hours each way to visit her. She needed more than I could give and she could only get it by moving closer.

People who are saying to let them live where they want have obviously never been responsible for an aging parent who has physical and/or mental limitations.

[Anonymous]

[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL. [/quote]

Because as noted above both are in declining health including some serious accidents and a near-death injury a few years back, the house is falling apart, they don’t have a will or any sort of long term plan? [/quote]

They should have a will, but it’s not necessary. My dad was stubborn, but I had to let him be. If he fell, it was his right to fall. I also had a right not to stop and pick up the pieces.

Your frantic approach is treating them like children. How about approach it with less anxiety. You even said it would be a burden, but you don’t seem to be considering them at all.

There’s no way to plan yourself into full control. Nothing ever goes exactly to plan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let them live how THEY are comfortable living.

That’s fine until they fall and break a hip and can’t go home anymore because they can’t manage the stairs. It’s better to make these decisions before you are forced to do it.

The end comes for us all.

MiG it calms your anxiety, make the plan without telling them. What would you do?

What if they die next week and you’ve spent this time stressing instead of enjoying your time with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

I’m not sure about that. Condo fees in this area are expensive. Why don’t you actually do the math.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

I’m not sure about that. Condo fees in this area are expensive. Why don’t you actually do the math.

Depends on the condo, and also you have to compare true apples-to-apples. If you select a basic condo without any fancy amenities, then you can find reasonable condo fees. Remember, those fees cover homeowners' insurance (you just need to insure your contents with renter's insurance), all exterior maintenance, trash (for areas where this is charged in addition to property tax), etc.

Obviously, the difference in this situation is it doesn't actually cost much to maintain a 5 BR house...if you decide you aren't going to maintain it. You pay for it in decreasing the market value of the house. There was a house in our neighborhood that was in horrible shape...gutters falling off, tree branches literally growing into the roof, cracks in the foundation. An elderly woman lived there alone and did zero maintenance. The house was sold to a developer for like $750k vs. a similar house in good shape that sold for like $1.75MM.

[Anonymous]

Can I ask a question here about financials? Sorry if this sounds dense but we are just starting this journey.

What are the financial implications here and options for peoples parents who have not done any forward thinking or saving? If they continue to let the house deteriorate and are forced to sell it way under market value, I fear they will have few financial resources left for later life care.

It’s easy to say “just let them do what they’re going to do” but what if down the road something like dementia care is needed (there’s a family history) and they have used a large portion of their resources to stay in a large home they no longer need? This weighs heavily on my mind in addition to the physical concerns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP why is your wanting them to move before they are 80 a "lack of planning?"

I can't imagine telling my 79yo mother to move. Or, even my 88yo MIL.

Maybe because they can’t take care of the house anymore? It has lots of stairs that aren’t safe? They can’t keep up with housework?

Hire help for them.

Sorry but why would I pay for someone to take care of the home I don’t want them in anyway? It costs way more to maintain a 5 br house and a large yard than a condo…

I’m not sure about that. Condo fees in this area are expensive. Why don’t you actually do the math.

Depends on the condo, and also you have to compare true apples-to-apples. If you select a basic condo without any fancy amenities, then you can find reasonable condo fees. Remember, those fees cover homeowners' insurance (you just need to insure your contents with renter's insurance), all exterior maintenance, trash (for areas where this is charged in addition to property tax), etc.

Obviously, the difference in this situation is it doesn't actually cost much to maintain a 5 BR house...if you decide you aren't going to maintain it. You pay for it in decreasing the market value of the house. There was a house in our neighborhood that was in horrible shape...gutters falling off, tree branches literally growing into the roof, cracks in the foundation. An elderly woman lived there alone and did zero maintenance. The house was sold to a developer for like $750k vs. a similar house in good shape that sold for like $1.75MM.

Lived in a condo and had a special assessment of $35K.

Also, funny how you want to put them in the cheapest condo with no amenities. I guess that works for you.

[Anonymous]

I would concentrate on house repairs (using their money), organize everything and make sure the house is in decent shape.
Don’t think about the rest yet. Let them stay there as long as they can, it’s your inheritance after all. Hire some help as needed (the barely up the stairs parent needs to have a bed downstairs). First they’ll probably need grocery delivery and rides, then cleaning and then physical help.
You are lucky they aren’t somewhere in the boonies at least

[Anonymous]

The only thing that has ever worked for me is talking about how making a decision to move maximizes autonomy and control, but if you have a crisis you go where there is a bed available.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would concentrate on house repairs (using their money), organize everything and make sure the house is in decent shape.
Don’t think about the rest yet. Let them stay there as long as they can, it’s your inheritance after all. Hire some help as needed (the barely up the stairs parent needs to have a bed downstairs). First they’ll probably need grocery delivery and rides, then cleaning and then physical help.
You are lucky they aren’t somewhere in the boonies at least

How would you do this with their money if they refuse to use their money for this? There will be zero inheritance I know.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Can I ask a question here about financials? Sorry if this sounds dense but we are just starting this journey.

What are the financial implications here and options for peoples parents who have not done any forward thinking or saving? If they continue to let the house deteriorate and are forced to sell it way under market value, I fear they will have few financial resources left for later life care.

It’s easy to say “just let them do what they’re going to do” but what if down the road something like dementia care is needed (there’s a family history) and they have used a large portion of their resources to stay in a large home they no longer need? This weighs heavily on my mind in addition to the physical concerns.

You try to protect their assets and put them on Medicaid if possible

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would concentrate on house repairs (using their money), organize everything and make sure the house is in decent shape.
Don’t think about the rest yet. Let them stay there as long as they can, it’s your inheritance after all. Hire some help as needed (the barely up the stairs parent needs to have a bed downstairs). First they’ll probably need grocery delivery and rides, then cleaning and then physical help.
You are lucky they aren’t somewhere in the boonies at least

How would you do this with their money if they refuse to use their money for this? There will be zero inheritance I know.

I only read the OP, there was nothing about them refusing to use their money.
If they aren’t letting you manage their finances and make bad decisions and you don’t expect any inheritance I would just distance myself (and I did).
My parent died in pretty bad conditions but it was her choice, she preferred it to letting her children help her. We still got that very dilapidated house on a cheap market but it wasn’t worth much. I am relieved it’s finally over (it’s been a few years).

[Anonymous]

Seems like it would make more sense to rent than buy a condo.

[Anonymous]

This group is great:

https://agingnetworkservices.com/our-dedicated-team