13 year old DD got in trouble at school - Consequences?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: forgetting -- I don't necessarily think that's a lie. It's just a way to say in the moment her impulse to text a friend something exciting overtook what she knows as the rule. That's the very nature of ADHD. It doesn't mean she couldn't have told you the rule right then if she had been asked.

If she knew she was wrong, then why did she refuse to give her phone to the AP? She basically doubled down on on her lie when she was caught.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Re: forgetting -- I don't necessarily think that's a lie. It's just a way to say in the moment her impulse to text a friend something exciting overtook what she knows as the rule. That's the very nature of ADHD. It doesn't mean she couldn't have told you the rule right then if she had been asked.

If you know ADHD affects her ability to behave appropriately, why have you given her unrestricted access to a smart phone?

My middle schooler doesn't have ADHD and her phone becomes a brick during the school day. Texting isn't an option. You are glossing over your responsibility as a parent to give her freedoms incrementally as she shows she can handle them. Basically, you're a lazy parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: forgetting -- I don't necessarily think that's a lie. It's just a way to say in the moment her impulse to text a friend something exciting overtook what she knows as the rule. That's the very nature of ADHD. It doesn't mean she couldn't have told you the rule right then if she had been asked.

If you know ADHD affects her ability to behave appropriately, why have you given her unrestricted access to a smart phone?

My middle schooler doesn't have ADHD and her phone becomes a brick during the school day. Texting isn't an option. You are glossing over your responsibility as a parent to give her freedoms incrementally as she shows she can handle them. Basically, you're a lazy parent.

I wasn't the OP. I'm simply not so sure it was lying.

[Anonymous]

I have a kid with ADHD and I hate when people use it as an excuse for poor behavior.

In no way do I believe that OP’s DD “forgot” about the phone usage policy. However, as a parent, I would be infuriated that my child was so disrespectful to the AP and wouldn’t turn over the phone. I fully support the punishment and I would no longer allow the phone to be taken to school at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Re: forgetting -- I don't necessarily think that's a lie. It's just a way to say in the moment her impulse to text a friend something exciting overtook what she knows as the rule. That's the very nature of ADHD. It doesn't mean she couldn't have told you the rule right then if she had been asked.

If you know ADHD affects her ability to behave appropriately, why have you given her unrestricted access to a smart phone?

My middle schooler doesn't have ADHD and her phone becomes a brick during the school day. Texting isn't an option. You are glossing over your responsibility as a parent to give her freedoms incrementally as she shows she can handle them. Basically, you're a lazy parent.

I wasn't the OP. I'm simply not so sure it was lying.

Op just can't have it both ways. If her daughter is forgetting such basic things then she shouldn't have full access to a smartphone. Op only plans to take away the phone for a couple of days, and then everything would go back to normal with her daughter having full access to a smartphone. That's entirely inappropriate for a kid who can't remember when they shouldn't be on their phone.

[Anonymous]

You described her as a great kid with no behavioral problems then go on to describe many behavioral problems since 6th grade. I imagine she’s still acting this way because you’re not honest with yourself about her problems and always let her off easy as you’re trying to do again. You have very few years left to parent your child, I suggest you start now. Huge consequences, to make up for your years of non parenting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your kid sounds like a trouble maker. Throwing water? Breaking phone usage? Blatant disregard for authority? You have a big problem. I'd start by taking the phone, but the problem is deeper than the phone. I don't know you or your kid, so I can't recommend what will work best, typically I follow consequences related to offense - on this case no phone. In the case of throwing water in a school restroom- cleaning duty of some sort - I'd choose home because it benefits me, but school would be better.

.

She said she has ADHD. When my DD was in 8th grade she was assigned ISS for throwing water in science class doing a lab, she was grounded for with no phone or ipad, but sometimes there is nothing we can do about it.

She’s not a brat because she has ADHD, that’s just poor parenting.

[Anonymous]

No screens until winter break.

[Anonymous]

Why does your term with ADHD even have a phone if she’s not responsible? I’d take it for the whole year and try again in high school.

[Anonymous]

She loses the phone. Turn the phone off if she can't remember not to use it on class. No excuses. She can keep the phone and you suspend the service .

[Anonymous]

I think your consequences sound good but go for longer than a few days. You could be dealing with a serious addiction.

I'd recommend spending a good amount of time scouring that phone to see what it is that was so important for her to keep doing.

When she gets it back, start with bare minimum calling and texting, no web browser, no apps and no ability to install them. Set it in black and white mode so it's less addictive. Set a time limit so it can only be used for 1 hour or less per day and only in hours after school and well before bedtime. She needs to sign a contract with you that you review regularly that spells out all the rules. That's the consequence for "forgetting" the rule.

We do the Tech Shabbat with no phone from Friday evening to Saturday evening. My kid would be reviewing the rules and resigning the contract every Saturday to get the dumbed down phone back

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You described her as a great kid with no behavioral problems then go on to describe many behavioral problems since 6th grade. I imagine she’s still acting this way because you’re not honest with yourself about her problems and always let her off easy as you’re trying to do again. You have very few years left to parent your child, I suggest you start now. Huge consequences, to make up for your years of non parenting.

+1000 this exactly. It’s so obvious.

[Anonymous]

Op you spent most of your words in your post making excuse after excuse for your daughter. If this were any other kid you would see right through it. You know in your gut this is a big problem and you need to pull up your parenting pants and make some big hard changes. You have infected your kid with entitlement. You need to take away everything until she earns it back. I’m sorry your spouse is likely not on your side, but tough, you need to act. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

My mom instincts are telling me she was doing something inappropriate on the phone and that’s why she didn’t want to hand it over. She was afraid of being caught. The insubordination would cross a line for me. Don’t fight the suspensions, take away phone, look through it and see what she was hiding. Good luck OP, we are all struggling with screen addiction with our kids.

[Anonymous]

Everything is going to be OK. A suspension will not go on her college application, and in the greater scheme of things, it's not a huge deal, but it will teach her a valuable lesson about respect.

Personally, I agree with your husband that suspension is a little harsh, but I don't think you have grounds for complaint. Schools are trying to crack down on phone use, which is a good thing, and so students will not be given the benefit of the doubt.

Move on. Everything happened as it should. Your kid is a good kid, and the punishment is what it is. No worries, OP.