What is the parenting secret of Orthodox Jewish families?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Physical and emotional abuse

This. It's how my family ensured good behavior, especially the emotional abuse part.

[Anonymous]

Corporal punishment is highly effective with children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

Same. My parents were very anti gender roles and would have loved to dress me in unisex/boy clothing. I showed them! I only wore pink and dresses (still do). I was beyond thrilled to take care of my younger siblings (8 years younger). I was a nanny throughout high school and college. Sometimes it’s not how you’re raised, sometimes people just gravitate towards certain things. I see this with my own kids. I have one girl who is a tomboy and the other wants to be a princess. It’s nothing I did. Not all kids resent taking care of others, but I know some do of course. My son has lots and lots of chores and does the same ones as my girls. I’m not raising a boy who watches women work while he sits.

To answer op, I think the people who have large families know how to take care of them and also like kids. The same can’t be said for most moms. Also, none of those families practice gentle/permissive parenting. Even if they don’t spank, bad behavior is NOT accepted.

My permissive parenting friends let their kids do anything. The other day at a playdate my friends two kids started jumping on her couch and she let them. I told my kids no, don’t get up there too. The friend was shocked and said they weren’t hurting anything. Ffs. Kids need to learn how to respect everything.

[Anonymous]

I grew up modern orthodox (not extremely orthodox like the six kid family you’re talking about).

First of all, it varies by family. A lot of these larger families are not as together as they seem and I’ve seen a LOT who should not have anywhere near six kids.

I’m one of four. I have ambitious, loving parents. We grew up well off thanks to my fathers lucrative career and to be honest I think the main variables in my childhood were a loving home/parents, money, a good education, and Jewish values, which are very community, family and socially oriented. Jewish people in general place a big emphasis on succeeding academically and professionally (the ultra orthodox actually do not generally, though).

IMO there are a lot of negative things about being very observant in any religion, including Judaism. But the nice thing about Orthodox Judaism is the sabbath and all the holidays where you cannot drive or use electronics. It is a completely screen free zone where families and friends are spending time together, kids are playing, people are reading, walking, enjoying the outdoors.

[Anonymous]

I know a Mormon family like this and it helps that they had 5 kids but not all super close together in age. The oldest two (a boy and a girl, they have 3 boys and 2 girls) are helpful and polite and good students. It requires getting started on your family sooner than most people do, probably 2 kids in your 20s. You also can’t enroll kids in 9 million outside of school activities and travel sports because you just won’t have time/the ability to be in 5 places at once. So they learn to keep each other company at home or hang out at big bro’s rec basketball game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Like Catholics, Mormons, and other religious groups with big families, they expect the older children (especially the older daughters, but sons too) to help. It’s a lot easier to handle a bunch of kids when the big ones change diapers, wipe noses, put on shoes, read books, etc.

+1. I saw a group at a playground yesterday and my first thought was "I bet they were really glad the first 2 kids were girls" because the older girls were doing a lovely job helping the little ones, while the two oldest boys ran around with sticks. Not that boys couldn't help, but the gender divisions are pretty strict with the way they are raised, so they wouldn't naturally be asked to.

At risk of being a gender essentialist … sometimes girls really like to interact with and mother their younger sibs. I wasn’t like that to an extreme but I definitely really loved taking care of my baby sister born when I was 12. And my 8 year old sister was extremely close to the baby and was constantly playing school etc.

Same. My parents were very anti gender roles and would have loved to dress me in unisex/boy clothing. I showed them! I only wore pink and dresses (still do). I was beyond thrilled to take care of my younger siblings (8 years younger). I was a nanny throughout high school and college. Sometimes it’s not how you’re raised, sometimes people just gravitate towards certain things. I see this with my own kids. I have one girl who is a tomboy and the other wants to be a princess. It’s nothing I did. Not all kids resent taking care of others, but I know some do of course. My son has lots and lots of chores and does the same ones as my girls. I’m not raising a boy who watches women work while he sits.

To answer op, I think the people who have large families know how to take care of them and also like kids. The same can’t be said for most moms. Also, none of those families practice gentle/permissive parenting. Even if they don’t spank, bad behavior is NOT accepted.

My permissive parenting friends let their kids do anything. The other day at a playdate my friends two kids started jumping on her couch and she let them. I told my kids no, don’t get up there too. The friend was shocked and said they weren’t hurting anything. Ffs. Kids need to learn how to respect everything.

“Friends” lol.

[Anonymous]

The number of posts normalizing and promoting violence against children is disturbing. Free countries don't do that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What's up with all these posts about Other Children and how calm they are? What kind of hooligans are you around? Most kids I see are pretty calm.

Most kids are definitely not calm or well behaved. Volunteer at school.

[Anonymous]

changing diapers, putting on shoes, cleaning up is not parenting as an older kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:changing diapers, putting on shoes, cleaning up is not parenting as an older kid.

Agreed. And yet it makes it much easier for the parents!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Fear.

This was my guess. Fear of God. “He’s watching you hit your sister” “you’ll go to hell!”

[Anonymous]

They have kids very young. So not only do the parents have more youthful energy, but a lot of SN that are associated with AMA or old sperm are less prevalent. They also have lots of aunts and young grandmas as their village, much like the Mormons.

[Anonymous]

The older children help and grow up a lot faster in that way. There are benefits to that but also downsides (the eldest girl always ends up being a caretaker to the little ones, for instance).

Everyone thinks other people’s kid are better behaved than their own, though. With some exceptions. You don’t see the meltdowns.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also bear in mind you’re seeing these kids on their best behavior. People always tell me my large family is so well behaved and that is, uh, not my impression…

Aw give yourself more credit! But I am curious - do you take them all out yourself on outings? do you go to religious services?

I also come from a large religious family and I think we appeared pretty organized in public although the only place we went together indoors was church. I wonder if the needed discipline in public to manage a lot of kids at a religious service is part of the way the kids and parents “learn” the skills needed to appear so calm and orderly.

I think this is part of it too. We switched from a non-denominational Christian church to a Catholic Church when my oldest was in first grade. It wasn’t immediate, but there was definitely a change in the kids’ behavior over the next year or so. When your family has to figure out how to be calm and obedient for an hour a week, it kind of spills over into the rest of your lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:changing diapers, putting on shoes, cleaning up is not parenting as an older kid.

Agreed. And yet it makes it much easier for the parents!

Yup and with more kids, the kids are more indpenedent at earlier ages. My sister has 7 ages 16, 15, 13, 11, 9, 7 and 4 and that's how it is.