Husband decided to keep kids home today without talking to me

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I suspect many years of not seeing eye-to-eye are playing into your husband's and your tendencies to poor communication and poor conflict management.

He is correct in the childcare decision (icy roads, younger kid has a cold, parental care at home may be better than daycare). He should have looped you into the decision-making but clearly knows you wouldn't have agreed and it would have led to an argument. He can't win, because you're going to argue regardless and accuse him of being controlling and abusive.

You're coming across as the gaslighting one, in the way you dismiss his opinions, his decision-making and accuse him of behaviors that really aren't obvious in the situation you describe.

Maybe the reality is different and you left out a lot of relevant information, but as it stands right now, my sympathies are with your husband.

This. Your husband’s response to get angry and stomp around isn’t okay. But you aren’t listening to him and expressing empathy for his experience.

I would totally keep the kids home on a snow day is my work schedule allowed. And it wouldn’t cross my mind to discuss with my husband first. But we have a shared history of being respectful of each other’s time and being able to effectively communicate about these issues.

This is much bigger than a snow day for you. You aren’t allowing him to have opinions about something important to him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It would never occur to me to ask DH’s opinion about keeping kids home. I’m a SAHM and once or twice a year kept my kids home from morning preschool just because I felt like it. Now that they’re older, I decide when they’re sick enough to stay home or other acceptable (to me) reasons to miss school.

The difference here is that you also are taking on the responsibility for caring for them. It sounds like op’s dh is keeping the kids home, but expects op to be responsible for caring for them while he works. That’s not okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is a pattern of him constantly keeping kids home without discussing it with me and telling the kids first. Any sniffle, cough etc he wants them home. He then expects me to not do my job and watch them and play fast and loose with WFH (when I only transitioned to WFH under extreme pressure from him). He thinks WFH means I should play fast and loose with my workday, that it’s fine for me to not be working during core business hours or picking kids up early every day because I WFH. I’m not comfortable with that. This is not just one day but a pattern of him expecting me to do this.

This is the issue. He wants you to act like a SAHP when you are not one. This is the core issue and what you two need to address.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is a pattern of him constantly keeping kids home without discussing it with me and telling the kids first. Any sniffle, cough etc he wants them home. He then expects me to not do my job and watch them and play fast and loose with WFH (when I only transitioned to WFH under extreme pressure from him). He thinks WFH means I should play fast and loose with my workday, that it’s fine for me to not be working during core business hours or picking kids up early every day because I WFH. I’m not comfortable with that. This is not just one day but a pattern of him expecting me to do this.

Tell us about the pressure he placed on you to wfh. How did that go? What was his reasoning?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not normal not to discuss but I’d also be annoyed with a spouse that wasn’t inclined to keep the kids around whenever possible.

"Whenever possible??"

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is a pattern of him constantly keeping kids home without discussing it with me and telling the kids first. Any sniffle, cough etc he wants them home. He then expects me to not do my job and watch them and play fast and loose with WFH (when I only transitioned to WFH under extreme pressure from him). He thinks WFH means I should play fast and loose with my workday, that it’s fine for me to not be working during core business hours or picking kids up early every day because I WFH. I’m not comfortable with that. This is not just one day but a pattern of him expecting me to do this.

I just posted that your DH is an a$$, and given this info, I think you need to transition back to work in the office, and tell him that you are being required to return to office. He wants you to work full time and be a full time caretaker, which is impossible.

+1000. This doesn’t get to the root problem, but I would transition back to working in the office. Just say you got a new boss and now have to go in X days a week.

[Anonymous]

We each feel free to make decisions about our kids. But if my husband decided to keep both kids home it'd be because he has a light day at work and can keep them quiet so I can work since I didn't clear my schedule for this.

[Anonymous]

Team Husband! I can’t believe you wanted to send a (mildly) sick child to daycare on a day when schools are closed for extremely low wind chills. That’s just cruel. What kind of person would do that to a child?

[Anonymous]

It sounds like the children are pawns in OP's game of control.

[Anonymous]

Team DH, sending sick kid to daycare, how horrible for all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team DH, sending sick kid to daycare, how horrible for all.

He’s not sick. He has a runny nose. We kept him out a day last week for it. I took those days off. Sending him today would mean basically him being there for 5 hours with the late arrival. He will play inside. DH meanwhile is dragging him sledding now. I’ve missed many days of work staying home with him and taking him to the doctor, and DH never does those appointments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Team Husband! I can’t believe you wanted to send a (mildly) sick child to daycare on a day when schools are closed for extremely low wind chills. That’s just cruel. What kind of person would do that to a child?

Did you miss the part where op’s dh expects to continue his work day as planned and have op be responsible for watching the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. This is a pattern of him constantly keeping kids home without discussing it with me and telling the kids first. Any sniffle, cough etc he wants them home. He then expects me to not do my job and watch them and play fast and loose with WFH (when I only transitioned to WFH under extreme pressure from him). He thinks WFH means I should play fast and loose with my workday, that it’s fine for me to not be working during core business hours or picking kids up early every day because I WFH. I’m not comfortable with that. This is not just one day but a pattern of him expecting me to do this.

I just posted that your DH is an a$$, and given this info, I think you need to transition back to work in the office, and tell him that you are being required to return to office. He wants you to work full time and be a full time caretaker, which is impossible.

This seems like a solution. Tell DH boss is requiring you to be back in the office. He can keep kids home whenever he wants but will have to deal with them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He didn’t take the day off. He cancelled one meeting but has another one this afternoon. He will expect me to jump in on childcare the moment he gets back and will tell me how much time I got to work (a whopping 2 hours) because of all he did this morning and how I don’t get to complain because he “gave me time.” He acts like I am a bad person for wanting to send the kids to care when I took time off last week for sick kids and to accommodate his work travel and late arrival at school.

How do you know this? I thought you said that, when you asked him what his meeting schedule was, he huffed and puffed and didn’t give you an answer and left without speaking to you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op here. He didn’t take the day off. He cancelled one meeting but has another one this afternoon. He will expect me to jump in on childcare the moment he gets back and will tell me how much time I got to work (a whopping 2 hours) because of all he did this morning and how I don’t get to complain because he “gave me time.” He acts like I am a bad person for wanting to send the kids to care when I took time off last week for sick kids and to accommodate his work travel and late arrival at school.

How do you know this? I thought you said that, when you asked him what his meeting schedule was, he huffed and puffed and didn’t give you an answer and left without speaking to you?

I can see his Outlook calendar.