Reply to Long term affair... trying to wrap my head around if it’s even possible to get over your DH’s 3 yr

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]Affair. I don’t have all the details but he has confessed it was highly sexual. Married 15 years, two kids. [/quote]

Honey, I am so sorry this is happening to you.   Take very good care of yourself right now.

I will give you some advice from someone who has been where you are.

Your focus right now is all wrong.  You cannot at this time think "whether it is possible to get over the affair."

#1, your DH has to ask you to forgive him and stay with him.  Has he?

#2, he has to believe - even if it is not true - but he absolutely has to believe that you will leave him.

#3, if you have only just found out, the only appropriate response to this is shock and offer to divorce amicably with ample time to see the children.  You cannot spend too much time crying, asking what happened, especially what YOU did wrong (nothing)...it has to be like this.  "I am shocked and stricken you have done this.  Let us divorce without too much acrimony and I promise you we will divide assets and time with children fairly."

Then, stand back and see what he says.  This is his cue to beg you for forgiveness because they usually do.  Your DH has been hiding his affair, which means he did not want you to know, which means he does not want to divorce.  He has to realize what he wants is escaping him, that his whole life is crumbling.

When he does, say you don't know. You need to think.

Then, you must create distance between you two.  Move into a different room, or have him move.  Talk to him only as much as you need to for logistics and parenting.   Give yourself time and space.  You are going to go through emotional hell like a pendulum swinging back and forth to many different emotions.  Right now you must not, you cannot make any long term decisions.  You are not fit to do that.  You must first process this until you are somewhat clear-headed.  This can easily take months.

During that time, do not have much contact with your husband.  Stay apart and aloof.  Really try to visualize his life without him.  He will do the same.

If after that time you decide you would rather stay married, observe your husband.  Does he continue to be remorseful? Is he begging for forgiveness? Is he changing things that have bothered you? And most importantly, has he cut contact with the other woman?

At this point, you can see what you want to do.

Again , I'm so sorry this is happening to you.  The important thing right now is to let this shockwave run through you and do not be hurried into anything.  Hugs. [/quote]

This is great advice.  I did this automatically.  My spouse ended affair (was the one to break up) before I found out.

I did everything you mentioned.  The only thing with #3- I was not calm. I kicked him out the next day for 2 weeks.  I did say I wanted a divorce but not amicably;).  Divorce should always be on the table. There is no agreeing to work out it for some time.  You need therapy, lots of facts and to see actions for a long time.

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