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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I agree that there will never be a "family" in most of these instances.  There should never be force or demands to try and make it so.  But.

Why is it so hard to simply be welcoming to new spouses?  Why doesn't the Golden Rule ("Do Unto Others...") apply in both directions?

You may not like your parents new partners. And they may not like yours either.  A little respect for the important roles they play would be a simple step in the right direction.

My DH's Son In Law takes financial advantage of his daughter, likes to gamble, likes to drink, has a family with felons and a history of domestic violence, is extremely political, has an entire cache of guns and can't string together a cohesive sentence on anything of importance.

SIL is not the kind of person my DH thinks is a good partner but his daughter picked him whatever her reasons. My DH has been welcoming, has conversations with SIL as best he can, has had some one-on-one time with him, speaks to him on the phone, asks his daughter how he is doing when he is not there, and always remembers his birthdays.

In other words he shows respect for the fact that this is who his daughter chose even though he doesn't care for him.

Why is it so difficult for many adult children to do the same for their parents' choices? 
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Because some of our parents are asking for a lot more than that-- they want us to actually be "family" not just with the person they married, but with that person's adult children and that person's parents.  It's a huge time commitment to actually do that.  (Not so much if all they want is for us to lie and say we're a big happy family without actually being one, but that's annoying.)  And because some of us were forced against our will to live in the same house with objectionable people, which is far more difficult.  This isn't about being polite or showing respect.  It's about priorities and the fact that the logistical burden on adult children of divorce is a lot already.

Also, an aging parent is vulnerable in ways that an adult child is not.  We have to keep our eyes open for elder abuse and financial exploitation.[/quote]

Some parents.  Some.  Not all.  There are also many more parents who have spouses/partners that are endlessly trying to refrain from making any kind of misstep.  It can be a damned if you do, damned if you don't.  Try to reach out to adult kids and you might be damned for interfering, placing pressure and being burdensome.  Don't reach out and you are cold, distant and disinterested.

Financial exploitation goes both ways too.  Many stepparents may provide significant resources yet are rarely acknowledged for doing so.  Second spouses during the latter part of a person's life are usually the ones who are expected to be there to physically provide support when their spouse is ailing, too.  Doctors appointments, sleepless nights, serious illnesses.  I find it hard to believe that an adult child would need to "keep [their] eyes open" because they think a parent's spouse would be exploitative after decades of marriage.  Often longer than original marriages, BTW.

While adult COD can certainly look at it solely from their perspective, it bears mentioning that statistically you will also be in this same situation yourself some day as you will have another spouse/partner.  Food for thought.

[/quote]

If you feel you are being exploited by something, you don't have to do it.  If you don't want to spend your money, don't-- if there are going to be strings attached, it's better not to.  If you don't want to provide support to your spouse, why are you married to them?  That's a normal part of marriage, not something nice you're doing as a favor for your adult stepchildren.  It is YOUR choice and you're doing it for your marriage and yourself.  Maybe it's better for the ACOD, maybe it's worse, maybe it's a mixed bag.  But it's your choice.

The exploitation can happen all along.  Or it can develop when the parent is old and no longer able to manage their own affairs and protect themselves, or when a new problem with an adult stepchild arises, or when their spouse can no longer work and runs out of money to maintain their lifestyle.  We all have to keep our eyes open to elder abuse.[/quote]

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