WWYD? Struggling to help my devastated teen DD whose friends/teammates pranked her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. I've had a heart-to-heart with my DD. Here's what we've decided (at least so far):

1. She has decided to stay on the team.

2. I've agreed not to take any affirmative steps to tell school or coach.

3. She understands that if someone asks me, in the normal course of conversation, where we were that I will not lie, that I will say matter-of-factly what happened.

4. She will try to maintain a new vigilance about who to trust and will stick up for anyone else in the locker room who may be targeted in the future.

5. I have offered (and she is thinking over) to get her some extra coaching to help move to Varsity so she will have a little respite from these girls (not in the locker room but at least at outside events).

I'll check back on Monday to let anyone interested know what happened when I ran into parents this weekend (if I do and I think I will).

-OP

I like you and your daughter, OP. I wish her luck working this through and I hope she finds some good friends outside of this activity. At least the season is short and next year the mix will be different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The coach needs to know two girls are rotting her team from the inside.

I would find out where bully girls want to go college and back channel the info to the institution.

You need to get a grip.

+1

No kidding. Therapy, ASAP, first PP - I can only imagine how you are ruining your children, much much more than any bullying could possibly do.

No, I don't need therapy. I'm proactive. You must be SO proud of yourselves, actively protecting bulling in the schools.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP I have much younger kids so am not in a position to advice you as such. However, I am wondering why you aren't able to advice or enlighten your daughter about going to coach and taking a harder stance on this.

Not the OP, but here's my 2 cents on this.

As your kids age, they get more and more autonomy and you understand less and less of the social dynamic of their day-to-day. You can advise, but almost always, it really is best to follow the kid's lead. Sometimes telling the grownups is absolutely the worst thing to do. The kid is the one who has to be there every day, not the mom. None of us were there, and it may not be the case that telling the coach would work out well. Some coaches are great. Some care more about winning than about the kids.

Sorry, you are suggesting that the bullies should get off scott free. That would be very wrong.

These girls planned and carried out an extremely mean stunt. There should be consequences for their actions, and since it involved the members of this particular team, it makes sense for the consequences to be decided by the team's coach.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

Um no that’s not the reason. Teen girls’ brains don’t work this way. The queen bee girl wanted revenge on her for some reason. Probably a boy involved.

[Anonymous]

There is an unstable PP who is overthinking the matter FAR too much and jumping to outrageous conclusions. OP you seem to have a good handle on the matter. You are wise to not throw petrol on the fire, as they say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

Um no that’s not the reason. Teen girls’ brains don’t work this way. The queen bee girl wanted revenge on her for some reason. Probably a boy involved.

+1

OP, a target is not chosen based on the bolded reasoning above. The pranksters are jealous of your DD - why, that you gotta find out.

[Anonymous]

I can't believe all of the people in here suggesting that OP goes to the media and hires a lawyer!

I'm really like 0_0.

Yes it was cruel. Yes the mean girls should be punished by their parents (though I doubt they will be).

But the MEDIA?

Would "the media" even care?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I've had a chance to read the entire thread. It has been so helpful, thank you all. A couple of things:

First, thank you to everyone who suggested that the Honor Code might have been violated. I would never have thought of that. I've read and re-read the code and do think it applies here. Now it is just a matter of whether I broach the school about it (still do not have permission to do so from DD).

Second, thank you all for the suggestions about contacting the unwitting sports star. I would never have thought of that either. I've looked up their Instagram feed to see whether there was a post along the lines of "Had a wonderful time meeting JV Team" but haven't seen anything yet. I think it would be appropriate then to say something like, "Hey, just so you know, you didn't actually meet with JV Team but, rather, JV Team minus one member who was pranked out of getting to meet you. Can you please change your post to reflect that you "Just met with A GROUP OF GIRLS who play X Sport because leaving post the way it is is hurtful to my DD."

Finally, many of you have wondered why my DD was targeted to begin with and not another girl on the team. I've been wondering the same thing everyday for the last week. DD was the girl that all the girls turned to for advice or help with homework. DD always had an extra item if someone forgot theirs and would willingly give it up. DD always smoothed over awkward situations in the locker room. DD always was the peacemaker. Since this is the first time (that I know of) that the Pranksters have pulled something like this, the best theory I have is that the two Pranksters decided that they wanted to pull a prank and consciously or perhaps unconsciously figured that my DD was the safest target, that she would be the most likely to say "yup, that was funny" and not get angry. Also may have figured that other teammates have parents who are more vocal, more chummy with coach or are downright helicopter-ish and wouldn't stand for it. That's the best I've got. We were really blindsided, as I've said before.

Firstly, stop calling this a prank; a prank causes embarrassment not hurt. This was a planned and vindictive move meant to cause a lot of hurt.

Secondly, by your own admission you and your DD put out a vibe that you will tolerate s**t and the other parents would not. If you do not create a stink now, don't you think it validates the assessment of the queen bees and things would get worse??!

Lastly, is your DD of a different ethnicity from the queen bees?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is an unstable PP who is overthinking the matter FAR too much and jumping to outrageous conclusions. OP you seem to have a good handle on the matter. You are wise to not throw petrol on the fire, as they say.

Agree. You sound levelheaded and respectful of your daughter’s feelings and wishes. Some people commenting are truly unhinged and well on their way to ruining their relationships with their own kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the people in here suggesting that OP goes to the media and hires a lawyer!

I'm really like 0_0.

Yes it was cruel. Yes the mean girls should be punished by their parents (though I doubt they will be).

But the MEDIA?

Would "the media" even care?

Eh, they might. Bullying is a topic that is getting a lot of attention right now, and rightly so. A story like this is a good illustration of how kids can get caught up in doing something that they think is "funny," but is actually quite cruel. This situation can be a learning moment for the young people involved and also other kids to think about when a plan crosses that line.

This story could also be a good one for teachers to use to teach kids about the difference between a "prank" and simply being mean to another student.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is an unstable PP who is overthinking the matter FAR too much and jumping to outrageous conclusions. OP you seem to have a good handle on the matter. You are wise to not throw petrol on the fire, as they say.

Agree. You sound levelheaded and respectful of your daughter’s feelings and wishes. Some people commenting are truly unhinged and well on their way to ruining their relationships with their own kids.

+1

These matters are so much more important to us as parents than our DC!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I can't believe all of the people in here suggesting that OP goes to the media and hires a lawyer!

I'm really like 0_0.

Yes it was cruel. Yes the mean girls should be punished by their parents (though I doubt they will be).

But the MEDIA?

Would "the media" even care?

Eh, they might. Bullying is a topic that is getting a lot of attention right now, and rightly so. A story like this is a good illustration of how kids can get caught up in doing something that they think is "funny," but is actually quite cruel. This situation can be a learning moment for the young people involved and also other kids to think about when a plan crosses that line.

This story could also be a good one for teachers to use to teach kids about the difference between a "prank" and simply being mean to another student.

+1

I think the local media would actually love it. Kids are committing suicide these days over bullying. Even little kids. As the PP said, being able to tease out this event, talk about bullying vs a "prank", implications, the school's response, etc, is all interesting material for an article. We always read these articles about kids dying from bullying and think "but HOW could this happen?" and "but what did the school do about the stuff that happened earlier?" etc, well this is earlier. And it's interesting to see what the school does about it. There are plenty of parents who would be interested to read about this.

[Anonymous]

I actually agree with the OP on why her daughter was targeted. My dad seems very similar in being the girl that helps everyone on the team with anything and everything. The queen bee of the team came right out and told my dd that she hates dd because she is so damn nice. Being kind and nice can make you a target. In my daughter's case she was given the coach's award last year. This year she is not playing. When asked why she just shrugs and says she has other interests she is going to pursue. The best part is she does. As soon as she made it known she was not playing this year the school asked her to be the editor of the yearbook. Her favorite quote is "Ultimate revenge is Ultimate success. "

Help your daughter be her best and do not focus on revenge.

[Anonymous]

Read Queen Bees and Wannabees and figure out why your child is the target. Hint: it's not because these girls wanted to play a fun prank and your DD is the least likely to tell. She might be the least likely to tell, but that's not why she's the target. Something happened, and your DD might truly not know what it is.
Figure it out, and teach her how to stand up for herself. Tell her to comment on the picture. "It was so cool of you guys to let me know about the date change" or whatever with a roll eye emoji. Let her use her voice. And stop being scared of teen girls yourself.

[Anonymous]

Call the principal. At least be heard and get some advice. Parents aren’t helpful. They often defend such. I’m mad with you!