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[quote=Anonymous]Isn't it funny how all first wives are crazy and were the sole problem in the marriage?

And that second wives are so much better, including a those who slept with (excuse me- "saved") married men?

It's totally uncanny that this could always be the case. Especially that blameless and perfect husbands could both pick the wrong woman and cheat. The Universe certainly is mysterious.

I don't have an ax to grind but I have a perspective that's seldom told here and never acknowledged by second wives.

I married a guy who was wrong for me. I think in my heart I knew it and wasn't brave enough to be honest with myself or with him -- especially because he was so head over heels and had made me the center of his world.

He married a woman (me) whose goals were not compatible with what he wanted out of life. I explicitly said and meant I wanted equal child care responsibilities and equal respect for both careers. I went to a fancier school and made more money than him. He said he loved that and was all in to be a partner and cheer leader. And I think he did love my résumé. The problem is that in his heart he wanted someone like his mom- highly-educated housewife who took care of all things domestic and spent a few hours per day preserving her California blonde looks.

When I got pregnant he announced we were moving toward the model he grew up with. Me on mommy track (his "concession" to our original plans) and him earning money and showing off the family pictures on his desk.

I was miserable and became resentful. Which made me think about all of the things that weren't right between us (few common interests, not much attraction on my end) which made me cranky AF and not the chirpy and enthusiastic wife I once was.

He wanted me to stay but I couldn't. I was too sad every day. I knew he was sad too and wanted the thing I couldn't give.

So we divorced. And I became a reasonable and collegial ex wife and co parent. Until I got a demotion to first wife. My ex apparently could not market himself to potential wives as someone who made a well-intentioned mistake and was in a marriage that couldn't work. To be husband material, he needed a crazy ex wife who did everything wrong. The new job applicants needed to see themselves as special and as saviors. That was the deal he struck with them.

So he marries someone who seems nice and sells her a bill of goods that I'm a monster. She believes it for a while and treats me like garbage for years. Then the cracks in their marriage show. She does 100% of parenting jobs for my child during their custodial time and 80% of parenting for their two little girls -- even though she out- earns him. She always looks tired. She's aged terribly and he Hawks at me when we get together, then sends me nasty emails. Apparently revenge for taking good care of myself while he's forced his wife to work herself to exhaustion and get heavy and haggard in the process.

She treats me better since she figured out her husband's challenges and that it turns out I just had less stamina than she did. My child says they yell a lot.

The difference between us is that I couldn't stand to stay but she can. I guess it's values. We're not close enough to talk about it.

Bottom line, marriages are generally two-person operations. Generally the end of the marriage takes two. Or the initial design defects are mutual. There are terrible and abusive people in the world. Not all ex wives are among them. There are truly unlucky people in the world. Not all ex husbands are among them.

There was no cheating in my first marriage (at least on my part). A woman who marries a man who has cheated with her is on notice that he's a flawed human being. Maybe not a monster. Probably weak. Every second spouse (my own included) knows he's marrying a recovering drop-out.

Just be honest about it.  Especially when the exes are raising kids. [/quote]

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