Reply to How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

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Reply to "How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?"

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]5 pages? GTFO. I am low contact with my dad. Going "no contact" would just confuse and enrage him. I have made peace with the fact he and my mom tried their best, but he still managed to create a toxic  and abusive environment that my mom enabled. I've done therapy as an adult and accepted my dad's flaws and can even point out a few strengths. I won't miss him when he dies.[/quote]

Well, the whole thread is about how the OP wrote and sent a 5-page letter and her parents say that "they have no idea" why there's estrangement and they see nothing wrong. As a parent myself I think if I've received a 5-page letter from my child, I'd read it and get something out of it, even if I might disagree. If one sends a 5-page letter, it's obviously a cry for help and an ask for validation. Saying "they have no idea" after that is really insulting and certainly not "the best" they could do. For me, this "parents did their best" that one hears so often these days has become a blanket cop-out that's really irritating. [/quote]

There's a chance that OP is the problem. The letter could have been insults and nonsense. For 5 pages.[/quote]
 :roll: 
Found the parents.[/quote]

Right.... OP won't talk about the details. Probably a reason why is she wouldn't look so good. [/quote]

Unlikely. It takes a long time to write 5 pages. It's much more likely that the OP really went into the details about the issues she's had over the years and the parents simply block it out. They "did their best". But even if you think it's insults and nonsense, you still would "have an idea" and would not be in the dark about what had happened. That's the whole point. It's insulting after telling over and over (as I'm sure the 5 pages was the final straw) and the other person has "no idea". It's crazy-making cognitive dissonance. Most adult children who try to tell their parents what the issues are, are looking for validation. We all know we cannot have a re-do. The "no idea" is a dismissal and complete inability to self-reflect. In fact the "no idea" gives you a good idea that the parents don't want to "go there" as they'd actually have to admit to being crappy parents! There's nothing to "look good" for the adult child: they were the children and were not in the driver's seat! [/quote]

It sounds like OP was watching too much Friends and decided this was a good way to deal with it. She wrote the pages and is still not happy. At some point she needs to look in the mirror and stop waiting for her parents to snap to it and do her bidding. A long winded letter was never going to give her what she wanted. Who told her this was a good idea?[/quote]

To be sure, it might have been a good idea to write it. But it probably wasn't a good idea to SEND it. It does sound like OP has some script in her head of what was supposed to happen and it is disappointed that it didn't play out in the way she fantasized.[/quote]

Yes. A therapist can really help with this. Unfortunately OP will never get the validation she wants/needs from parents. Folks are criticizing the "they did the best they could trope," but, the reality is that acceptance will bring some closure.[/quote]

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