Reply to How to communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can stop the “we have no idea”?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]How can I clearly communicate to parents about reason of estrangement so they can’t keep saying “we have no idea”?  Been NC with them for almost 2 years now, they still act so confused, even though a calm 5-page letter was written and sent to them explaining why I am deeply hurt, only to be met with a one sentence reply of “well, you must hate us” and nothing else?!  I would’ve felt a little better if they wrote back a longer sentence, a 2-page reply might just make me feel I matter again.  
They are delightful when there is no conflict, but as soon as a tiniest conflict occurs, they shut down.   All those years I felt like they only want to engage with me when I happy and jolly, they would say the sweetest things on earth like “Oh, we just love you so much”, but as soon as I express any negative emotion, they become unrecognizable.  If my negative emotion is not directly related to them (for example, job has been stressful) they would ignore it, walk away, or carry on cheerful conversations as if I am invisible; if the negative emotion is related to them (for example, yesterday at xxx’s house, you said this about me and hurt my feelings), then all hell breaks loose – they would immediately end the conversation by declaring “I don’t know what you are talking about”, or “I don’t know why you are saying this”, or “I can’t do this right now”.  They would at times, usher me to the door and say, “well, did you get your bag, ok, bye”.   – now remember just 2 minutes ago they were “oh, we are so happy you came visit, we miss you every day”.  How can one change their face so quickly?  I am bewildered.  
There seems to be a misconception that adult children who chose NC with their parents are ungrateful, to me it couldn’t be more wrong.  I love them so much, despite their flaws, I would take care of them when they can’t take care of themselves, I read about their generation and understand that they did not get emotional support growing up, not expecting them to change, but just a little acknowledgment of my feelings from them would make a difference.  
Anyway, has anyone successfully communicated the reason of estrangement with their parents before so there is no excuse of them saying they “have no idea”?
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Oh honey, I’m so sorry. I’m in my 60s with grown children and grandchildren. Your communication with them was loving, mature, and thoughtful. 
You most likely know you’re not alone in this journey. A lot of people are suffering from painful family dynamics. 
I had this experience with my parents. I have gotten a great deal of pleasure and pride that I broke the cycle and created a family that is loving and kind. 
Even though I realized at a young age that my parents never had the capacity to see beyond their own reality, it’s still very painful. When I would hear people talk about narcissism or other mental illnesses, I would think, they had no idea! The gift it left me was a gifted emotional intelligence and gave me a modern day sense of survival.
We never stop craving love from our parents

But, I will share with you my final story. My mother recently passed away. She was in her 90s. I never shed a tear. I had the feeling that her death was addition by subtraction and I do feel safer in the world. I spent my life wondering what it would be like when my parents died and I found my response even surprising to me. 
Over the course of my life, I have mourned their death too many times to remember. 
[/quote]

I relate so much to these posts, thank you. I am a cycle breaker and am very grateful to have created a loving family. I came from verbal and emotional abuse with threats of physical. I twisted myself into a pretzel trying to please mom and finally when enough life events hit her scapegoating of me became too much to bear. It's both survival and protection. I had passive death wishes. I would actively do something because I love my spouse and kids, but I was wishing something would happen to take us all together so nobody would deal with her abuse. I also went low contact to protect my family and my mother. My kids witnessed too much and it not only upset them,but was teaching them to to tolerate abuse if it's from family. Also, the only way to get through to my mother is to yell right back, but it makes her get worse. I took the high road. If I gave her even a small fraction of the abuse she hurled at me, it would be considered elder abuse. It endured a lot of tantrums and tirades to get here.

We are cordial and distant. I do not tolerate any abusive behavior. She will never be able to do anything, but blame me-no accountability. She had friends distance themselves over the years and she  launches a full smear campaign. Dad was the villain while alive, but also her best friend depending on the day/hour. She never learned how to cope with her emotions and life stressors in a healthy way and I think she gets a release by unleashing it on others. One of my siblings is the same way. I truly wish them peace. I am grateful I had my dad and brother in that chaos.[/quote]

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