DH walked out, I think- what do I do now?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Call the cops and report him missing.

Do NOT waste the cops' time reporting someone missing after 90 minutes. You people are crazy.

He has a family history of VERY early onset dementia and I’m not convinced that the cops’ time is being well-spent on other things.

Well, you should be, because they're not going to go looking for him after 90 minutes. Just so you know.

The fact that they will not go looking for him is not evidence that their time is being well-spent on other activities. Sorry

[Anonymous]

How did this end ? Did he ever return?

[Anonymous]

OP here. Surprised to see this thread pop back up.

He didn’t come back until very late that night, and stonewalled me and raged when I asked what happened. I finally had to just walk away because he was screaming so loud the kids woke up and I’m sure the neighbors heard. I’ll never know what did happen.

I’m very concerned about his mental health and dementia, but cannot get him to have a discussion about either. Since his disappearing day, he has scheduled two work trips and has randomly added last-minute days at the front or back of them.

It’s been better when he’s gone and it’s given me space to breathe, but the contrast when he comes back is awful. He’s nasty and combative all of the time regardless of the topic or setting. I might ask him to pass a fork or check the dryer load and he’ll accuse me of calling him stupid.

I don’t know what is wrong with him. I’m scared. I don’t yet have the resources to get out and get the kids somewhere else. I’m struggling to access all of our financial information but trying to download as much as I can so I have it all digitally in a safe place. I don’t know where we would go. We are in a high COL area and friends aren’t the kind who we could stay with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

OP and this comment really bugged me as I caught up on this thread.

I’m the scorekeeper for older DS’s baseball so I was committed to be there because no one else knows how to do it. My younger DD was going to a party at a bouncy place and because of the ages the parents required each child to have an adult present so DH was originally taking her.

[Anonymous]

OP if his are in the DC area, please check out The Women’s Center in Tyson’s. They also have a DC location. They offer low cost counseling sessions and a lot of educational resources for women https://thewomenscenter.org/services/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why couldn't OP drop kid off st baseball and other at party? Do parents have to stay at both events?

OP and this comment really bugged me as I caught up on this thread.

I’m the scorekeeper for older DS’s baseball so I was committed to be there because no one else knows how to do it. My younger DD was going to a party at a bouncy place and because of the ages the parents required each child to have an adult present so DH was originally taking her.

NP and this comment really bothered me too, OP! Obviously "can 1 parent take both kids to their activities so the other can get a break" may be an option but for adults/parents it needs to be **communicated.** Normal people do this all the time. Not just walk away - that's terrifying and breaks trust and is just not being a responsible adult and fair partner.

Sorry to hear the update OP. Clearly that was a symptom of bigger things.

[Anonymous]

I think he’s having an affair - sorry

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has every right to walk away when upset + angry…..

However not if one of your children needs to be somewhere as well as not if he leaves the gate open where your dog could have gotten loose and run away, got hit by a car or even stolen.

Can you imagine if you as the Mother did this??!
People would be judging you so harshly!

Disappearing for hours without a word borders on abuse. My mother actually did this to me and my sister as a kid. My dad was traveling and she got mad at us and just left for 8-10 hours. This was before cell phones. I was around 12 and remember not knowing where she was or if she was ever coming back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has every right to walk away when upset + angry…..

However not if one of your children needs to be somewhere as well as not if he leaves the gate open where your dog could have gotten loose and run away, got hit by a car or even stolen.

Can you imagine if you as the Mother did this??!
People would be judging you so harshly!

Disappearing for hours without a word borders on abuse. My mother actually did this to me and my sister as a kid. My dad was traveling and she got mad at us and just left for 8-10 hours. This was before cell phones. I was around 12 and remember not knowing where she was or if she was ever coming back.

This is not abuse. Happened in my family all the time. You know the person is coming back. This is dramatic and unhelpful. People are allowed to take a break and decompress. Yes, for that much time. No, they don’t need to tell you where they are going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your husband has every right to walk away when upset + angry…..

However not if one of your children needs to be somewhere as well as not if he leaves the gate open where your dog could have gotten loose and run away, got hit by a car or even stolen.

Can you imagine if you as the Mother did this??!
People would be judging you so harshly!

Disappearing for hours without a word borders on abuse. My mother actually did this to me and my sister as a kid. My dad was traveling and she got mad at us and just left for 8-10 hours. This was before cell phones. I was around 12 and remember not knowing where she was or if she was ever coming back.

This is not abuse. Happened in my family all the time. You know the person is coming back. This is dramatic and unhelpful. People are allowed to take a break and decompress. Yes, for that much time. No, they don’t need to tell you where they are going.

So you’re fine if your DH walks out without a word and disappears for hours? How about your teenager? You live in a really messed up marriage/home. I feel bad for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think he’s having an affair - sorry

I think so, too.

I’d be less worried about his health and more about your economic survival.

Go forward as if you are a single mom.

The affair is likely with a colleague that he travels with. He is making you the bad guy, OP, so did my ex.

Time is short, get some legal advice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

I am reading this on the phone in my garage. My spouse and 8 year old are elsewhere in the house. IDK where; I am not there.

What if my spouse and I both decided to leave the house without notifying each other at the same time?

That is why I don’t find it bizarre or controlling; sharing information like this is part of cooperating to raise a child.

I havent read all the updates, maybe he is immature, but on this point, I think you're wrong. I hope everyone - you, him, me, everyone is free to walk out and have space if we feel we need to - if another parent is home. He didn't leave the kids alone. You were home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

I am reading this on the phone in my garage. My spouse and 8 year old are elsewhere in the house. IDK where; I am not there.

What if my spouse and I both decided to leave the house without notifying each other at the same time?

That is why I don’t find it bizarre or controlling; sharing information like this is part of cooperating to raise a child.

I havent read all the updates, maybe he is immature, but on this point, I think you're wrong. I hope everyone - you, him, me, everyone is free to walk out and have space if we feel we need to - if another parent is home. He didn't leave the kids alone. You were home.

and, my general sense is you two let arguments linger and fester out of control. In my marriage, I might be pissy, or DH, we b-tch about it for 1 to 5 minutes, then move on and talk about the weather. It's better to be happy than to be right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sounds like he's melting down and something that would/should normally be an arguement is...this.

How old is he? How old are your kids? What else is going on in your lives or his life? How stressful are your lives, typicaly, and honestly?

I would do your best to get through the day and try to be kind when he comes back. It's overwhelmingly likely he just had a meltdown and was overwhelmed. I don't think he left you. But he needs to come back and talk and apologize for stranding you and leaving the gate open. Sorry, OP!

I don’t think he left me-left me. But I don’t know what to say to get him to see how immature and unfair he is. And selfish.

I cannot imagine a scenario where I would feel like I could just walk out of the house and know that someone else was there to back me up and it wouldn’t impact anyone. I don’t understand how he perceives his place in our marriage and family life if he thinks he can just get annoyed, give someone the silent treatment, and literally walk away when things are hard for him. If I walked every time things were hard or overwhelming for me, I’d be halfway around the globe by now.

Kids are late elementary, we’re mid-40s. His job is in a straightforward or maybe even fun phase- he’s just below c-suite and has earned a lot of flexibility and opportunity. Biggest stress I can identify right now is one child switching to a new school due to bullying and we have contractors coming this week to replace the air conditioner unit.

I'm a woman and I have had times when I have felt like I needed to get away for a bit and so I did. My husband was home with the kids and they were fine. Yard work and errands can wait. Honestly, you're being just as immature, unfair, and selfish as he is. Let him have his space.

You didnt notify your spouse that you were leaving? And you did not bring your phone or say Ill be a few hours I need space?

Does anyone else find it bizarre that many on this thread think you have to “notify“ a spouse before leaving your own house? That’s bizarre and controlling.

I am reading this on the phone in my garage. My spouse and 8 year old are elsewhere in the house. IDK where; I am not there.

What if my spouse and I both decided to leave the house without notifying each other at the same time?

That is why I don’t find it bizarre or controlling; sharing information like this is part of cooperating to raise a child.

I havent read all the updates, maybe he is immature, but on this point, I think you're wrong. I hope everyone - you, him, me, everyone is free to walk out and have space if we feel we need to - if another parent is home. He didn't leave the kids alone. You were home.

and, my general sense is you two let arguments linger and fester out of control. In my marriage, I might be pissy, or DH, we b-tch about it for 1 to 5 minutes, then move on and talk about the weather. It's better to be happy than to be right.

No. You don’t get it. And I’m happy for you that you don’t. But some of us do. OP’s husband has dark moods. She doesn’t have the option to b-tch for 1-5 minutes unless she wants to risk a big reaction like taking off, raging in front of kids, etc.

[Anonymous]

I’d say it’s even odds whether this is an affair or dementia—were it not for the family history of early onset, I would say the former for sure, but early onset tends to be powerfully genetic.

I am so sorry, OP. You are doing the right thing getting your information together. Pack yourself a go bag you can keep someplace out of the way, have a place picked to go to if you need to get out for a few nights before figuring out what to do next. It will be easier if you have practiced the drive and all of that. Sending you all good thought.