Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

Where is the demand? The post said the SIL announced they would be going on vacation next year and for the foreseeable future and that her mother was very sad.

OP is clutching her pearls and guilt tripping her SIL about not being there. She and her mother are making Christmas mandatory. It's pretty demanding.

Where in the OP or anywhere else is it stated that the MIL is making Christmas mandatory? It was said that they celebrated a day early so the SIL could be with her family on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, then SIL announced that they would not be doing any Christmas with the OP's family for the foreseeable future, and the OP's mother was sad.

She would also not be with her birth family either.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing you don't live close by your mom. So you see these get together as very special. SIL sees the MIL regularly and is ready for something else. If you were dealing with this regularly you might feel differently. OR, it's your mom, so you feel differently.

The only issue I have with this is SIL could have waited until after Christmas to make this announcement.

This^. They live nearby, see each other regularly. Its not once a year visit.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Elderly ppl can stay elderly for 15-20 years, they or ppl like you should not hold extended family hostage to your parent’s age. If SIL sees your mom regularly during the year and bears more of the burden of helping out than you, then it’s perfectly fine for her to want a Xmas getaway or alternative plan. Your pearl clutching is a bit out of touch with reality.

Talk about gaslighting. Elderly pensioners wanting to include all of their children and grandchildren in their Christmas festivities ONE TIME A YEAR is being “held hostage”? Get a grip.

My MIL has been saying it for 30 years since we got married. We don't know if she'll live 20 more, I'll probably die before her.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

Grandma being upset is one thing but Grandma upsetting others to get what she wants is another thing. She had dozens of Christmases, now chill and watch others do what makes them happy and be happy for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Well, how you came to such conclusion? We don't know what he wants?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Well, how you came to such conclusion? We don't know what he wants?

Actually, we do. We can tell by his actions and inactions. He doesn’t make seeing family members a priority: OP has already told us this by stating that—despite the fact that they live “like Baltimore to Bethesda” driving distance—he only sees his mother a few times a year.

He wants to go on vacation with his wife and children, and he prefers that over spending holidays together. We can tell that because not only is that what he doing next Christmas, but he had no problem having his wife communicate this decision.

By his actions, and inactions, we can see that he values being with his wife and kids, and he does not value seeing his sister/mother/extended family.

We can tell by OP’s actions—gossiping, blaming all of this on her SIL and acting like her brother has no responsibility or agency (which is a sexist attitude), her jealous focus on SIL’s money (with the whole private school schtick), and pulling the “my mom is at death’s door” card when she is simply older and not ill/infirm—that she is a selfish, manipulative, control-loving, sexist, bitter person. I think that’s probably why her brother and SIL don’t want to be around her. I wouldn’t, either. I’d rather be on vacation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

Grandma being upset is one thing but Grandma upsetting others to get what she wants is another thing. She had dozens of Christmases, now chill and watch others do what makes them happy and be happy for them.

But not when SIL does it.

[Anonymous]

The only issue I have with this is SIL could have waited until after Christmas to make this announcement.

So, 17 pages because something was said on one day vs another

Op, I guess a good thing re: the timing ~ MIL has no reason to believe something happened *this* Christmas, hurt feelings of something, that caused SIL to change her plans going forward.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Another jealous harpy. Can’t stand it when anyone else is wealthier, prettier, more in-demand. Which must happen a lot.

I'm this PP. Sadly, I am not a jealous harpy, but as usual, the rich women love to come out and whine about how anyone who criticizes anything they do must be jealous. It couldn't possibly be that there is any truth in my comment....right? Fwiw, I'm UMC and sometimes travel at the holidays plus private school, so I'm not making all this up. Just commenting on the cultural quirks that I observe around me. I know having your lifestyle and choices criticized doesn't feel good, but if it makes your feel badly, that's on you to honestly ask yourself why and the answer cannot always be someone is jealous. Oftentimes, the answer is, you might suck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Than maybe you should embrace Hinduism and celebrate Diwali. That way, you are done with the BIG FAMILY FESTIVAL in Oct-Nov. Problem solved.

Or, you can make THANKSGIVING the big family festival. Or 4th of July. Or any other day but Christmas.

or start following moon like jews and muslims. Go to Jerusalem or Mecca as a family for pilgrimage.

Well, Easter is the big Christian holiday, so Christmas shouldn't mean a lot to MIL if she is a devout Christian.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why i want to "summer vacation Grandma" and not "Christmas grandma." Lots more flexibility to plan time with the grandkids if you have a 3 month window.

This is the right attitude. And in our experience, summer vacation grandma is AWESOME. Demanding, guilt tripping grandma is NOT awesome.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Another jealous harpy. Can’t stand it when anyone else is wealthier, prettier, more in-demand. Which must happen a lot.

I'm this PP. Sadly, I am not a jealous harpy, but as usual, the rich women love to come out and whine about how anyone who criticizes anything they do must be jealous. It couldn't possibly be that there is any truth in my comment....right? Fwiw, I'm UMC and sometimes travel at the holidays plus private school, so I'm not making all this up. Just commenting on the cultural quirks that I observe around me. I know having your lifestyle and choices criticized doesn't feel good, but if it makes your feel badly, that's on you to honestly ask yourself why and the answer cannot always be someone is jealous. Oftentimes, the answer is, you might suck.

It sounds like you and OP got what you wanted. You made a point of letting your SILs know that they weren’t welcome, that you judged them, that you saw them as The Other Woman, you blamed them for your brother’s actions and inactions, and you went out of your way to let them know You’re Not One of Us. Welcome to the fruits of your labor: your brother’s wives no longer bother trying. They gave up. They know where they’re not wanted, so off they go on fabulous vacations instead of your boring suburban holiday gatherings. You got what you wanted, they’re not around. And oops, neither is your brother, and neither are your nieces and nephews.

Guess you should have been more welcoming and less judgmental.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

We already did Christmas Eve Eve this year for them. Christmas Eve has been the tradition for 20 years. And even with Eve, they would leave early to go be with her family. This year they wanted to do Eve Eve and now next year they don’t want to do anything with the rest of us. But specifically sad for our mom who is slowing down, as it’s the only time she gets to see ALL of us and all the grandkids together.

Then you need to find other ways to get all the grandkids together. Why is that only happening on one day a year? That i sway too much pressure on an already stressful holiday.