Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Another jealous harpy. Can’t stand it when anyone else is wealthier, prettier, more in-demand. Which must happen a lot.

I'm this PP. Sadly, I am not a jealous harpy, but as usual, the rich women love to come out and whine about how anyone who criticizes anything they do must be jealous. It couldn't possibly be that there is any truth in my comment....right? Fwiw, I'm UMC and sometimes travel at the holidays plus private school, so I'm not making all this up. Just commenting on the cultural quirks that I observe around me. I know having your lifestyle and choices criticized doesn't feel good, but if it makes your feel badly, that's on you to honestly ask yourself why and the answer cannot always be someone is jealous. Oftentimes, the answer is, you might suck.

It sounds like you and OP got what you wanted. You made a point of letting your SILs know that they weren’t welcome, that you judged them, that you saw them as The Other Woman, you blamed them for your brother’s actions and inactions, and you went out of your way to let them know You’re Not One of Us. Welcome to the fruits of your labor: your brother’s wives no longer bother trying. They gave up. They know where they’re not wanted, so off they go on fabulous vacations instead of your boring suburban holiday gatherings. You got what you wanted, they’re not around. And oops, neither is your brother, and neither are your nieces and nephews.

Guess you should have been more welcoming and less judgmental.

I'm the PP you're responding to. I don't have a SIL who is unwelcome in my family. I have one BIL and SIL and we've got a great relationship. We spend time together when we can and all are happy with the relationship. Sorry, you are projecting on me, but that is not my life. You are just proving my point further with your comment about "boring suburban holiday gatherings." We get it, you are too rich to have such a pedestrian holiday and need to act like the folks who do are somehow flawed. You must not understand that this is why Tiny Tim was the sympathetic character in the story, and not Scrooge. The rich person looking down on those with less is pretty much never the good person in the scenario. Maybe hop over to the college forum and for a reminder of how much admissions counselors like your rich children over the poorer ones with more grit. Your compatriots are crying about that right now in many threads.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Another jealous harpy. Can’t stand it when anyone else is wealthier, prettier, more in-demand. Which must happen a lot.

I'm this PP. Sadly, I am not a jealous harpy, but as usual, the rich women love to come out and whine about how anyone who criticizes anything they do must be jealous. It couldn't possibly be that there is any truth in my comment....right? Fwiw, I'm UMC and sometimes travel at the holidays plus private school, so I'm not making all this up. Just commenting on the cultural quirks that I observe around me. I know having your lifestyle and choices criticized doesn't feel good, but if it makes your feel badly, that's on you to honestly ask yourself why and the answer cannot always be someone is jealous. Oftentimes, the answer is, you might suck.

It sounds like you and OP got what you wanted. You made a point of letting your SILs know that they weren’t welcome, that you judged them, that you saw them as The Other Woman, you blamed them for your brother’s actions and inactions, and you went out of your way to let them know You’re Not One of Us. Welcome to the fruits of your labor: your brother’s wives no longer bother trying. They gave up. They know where they’re not wanted, so off they go on fabulous vacations instead of your boring suburban holiday gatherings. You got what you wanted, they’re not around. And oops, neither is your brother, and neither are your nieces and nephews.

Guess you should have been more welcoming and less judgmental.

I'm the PP you're responding to. I don't have a SIL who is unwelcome in my family. I have one BIL and SIL and we've got a great relationship. We spend time together when we can and all are happy with the relationship. Sorry, you are projecting on me, but that is not my life. You are just proving my point further with your comment about "boring suburban holiday gatherings." We get it, you are too rich to have such a pedestrian holiday and need to act like the folks who do are somehow flawed. You must not understand that this is why Tiny Tim was the sympathetic character in the story, and not Scrooge. The rich person looking down on those with less is pretty much never the good person in the scenario. Maybe hop over to the college forum and for a reminder of how much admissions counselors like your rich children over the poorer ones with more grit. Your compatriots are crying about that right now in many threads.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Another jealous harpy. Can’t stand it when anyone else is wealthier, prettier, more in-demand. Which must happen a lot.

I'm this PP. Sadly, I am not a jealous harpy, but as usual, the rich women love to come out and whine about how anyone who criticizes anything they do must be jealous. It couldn't possibly be that there is any truth in my comment....right? Fwiw, I'm UMC and sometimes travel at the holidays plus private school, so I'm not making all this up. Just commenting on the cultural quirks that I observe around me. I know having your lifestyle and choices criticized doesn't feel good, but if it makes your feel badly, that's on you to honestly ask yourself why and the answer cannot always be someone is jealous. Oftentimes, the answer is, you might suck.

It sounds like you and OP got what you wanted. You made a point of letting your SILs know that they weren’t welcome, that you judged them, that you saw them as The Other Woman, you blamed them for your brother’s actions and inactions, and you went out of your way to let them know You’re Not One of Us. Welcome to the fruits of your labor: your brother’s wives no longer bother trying. They gave up. They know where they’re not wanted, so off they go on fabulous vacations instead of your boring suburban holiday gatherings. You got what you wanted, they’re not around. And oops, neither is your brother, and neither are your nieces and nephews.

Guess you should have been more welcoming and less judgmental.

I'm the PP you're responding to. I don't have a SIL who is unwelcome in my family. I have one BIL and SIL and we've got a great relationship. We spend time together when we can and all are happy with the relationship. Sorry, you are projecting on me, but that is not my life. You are just proving my point further with your comment about "boring suburban holiday gatherings." We get it, you are too rich to have such a pedestrian holiday and need to act like the folks who do are somehow flawed. You must not understand that this is why Tiny Tim was the sympathetic character in the story, and not Scrooge. The rich person looking down on those with less is pretty much never the good person in the scenario. Maybe hop over to the college forum and for a reminder of how much admissions counselors like your rich children over the poorer ones with more grit. Your compatriots are crying about that right now in many threads.

I went to a state school, I live in suburban Maryland, and my holidays are spent in either Maryland, Ohio, or rural New Jersey. But yeah, given the budget and the opportunity, I’d travel somewhere exciting! I can certainly understand why people with more money choose to spend their holidays traveling, especially if their ILs are judgmental and unwelcoming. Good for SIL.

And by the way, I get along with my ILs and spend every holiday with my parents or my ILs.

Oh no, did you make too many assumptions about me? Oopsies!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why i want to "summer vacation Grandma" and not "Christmas grandma." Lots more flexibility to plan time with the grandkids if you have a 3 month window.

This is the right attitude. And in our experience, summer vacation grandma is AWESOME. Demanding, guilt tripping grandma is NOT awesome.

Heaven forbid your children see their grandparents more than one time per year. Summer or Santa, that is all you get nana.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why i want to "summer vacation Grandma" and not "Christmas grandma." Lots more flexibility to plan time with the grandkids if you have a 3 month window.

This is the right attitude. And in our experience, summer vacation grandma is AWESOME. Demanding, guilt tripping grandma is NOT awesome.

Heaven forbid your children see their grandparents more than one time per year. Summer or Santa, that is all you get nana.

That’s not what PP said. At all. But the point stands that if you are the kind of bean-counting, attendance-taking, guilt-tripping grandma, no one is going to actually want to be with you. Relaxed, supportive, flexible, fun grandma is preferred, always. I saw both sets of grandparents equally growing up, at an average of once a month for both sets. I was definitely more actively interested in seeing the set who was relaxed, interested in us and what we were doing (and not just what they wanted to do), who made things easy and releaxed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

Op's disdainful reference to the private school culture.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why is it a huge deal if they visit with your mother on a day that is not exactly Dec 24-25?

We already did Christmas Eve Eve this year for them. Christmas Eve has been the tradition for 20 years. And even with Eve, they would leave early to go be with her family. This year they wanted to do Eve Eve and now next year they don’t want to do anything with the rest of us. But specifically sad for our mom who is slowing down, as it’s the only time she gets to see ALL of us and all the grandkids together.

Then you need to find other ways to get all the grandkids together. Why is that only happening on one day a year? That i sway too much pressure on an already stressful holiday.

May be they've some in other states or countries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:And this is why i want to "summer vacation Grandma" and not "Christmas grandma." Lots more flexibility to plan time with the grandkids if you have a 3 month window.

This is the right attitude. And in our experience, summer vacation grandma is AWESOME. Demanding, guilt tripping grandma is NOT awesome.

Heaven forbid your children see their grandparents more than one time per year. Summer or Santa, that is all you get nana.

If they live in different states, both work, kids have school, college, sports and spouse also has a birth family, what can be done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

Because ILs would make more fuss if she wasn't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

Op's disdainful reference to the private school culture.

Why is it disdainful? Holidays are traditionally with families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

Op's disdainful reference to the private school culture.

Why is it disdainful? Holidays are traditionally with families.

That's considered gauche on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

PP said it would be a terrible lesson to give in to people behaving selfishly. How would SIL and her kids know what has been posted here (after the fact). It is bizarre how posters get bent out of shape at the idea a grandmother is upset she won't be seeing her grandchildren on Christmas anymore. Anywhere else (except reddit) people would be reacting like humans.

OP’s desire to control and her seething with jealousy over SIL’s wealth and her close ties to her own family no doubt carry over into real life. No doubt SIL, OP’s brother and their kids have all picked up on SIL’s resentment, bitterness, jealousy, and my-way-or-the-highway attitude. OP’s brother clearly doesn’t care about having a relationship with his sister, and no wonder. She’s a pill.

Maybe I missed it but why the assumption SIL is wealthy or wealthier than OP?

I think it was the private school and the fancy Christmas time vacation. Just a hunch.

[Anonymous]

My SIL and her family have not been with us the last three Christmases, because they have a good family friend who has a villa in Italy, and they fly people there first-class for the holidays. You know what I say to that? Good for you, boo boo! Enjoy! Eat some pasta and gelato for me, enjoy every second, have a glass of champagne on the flight, soak it up!

Secure, happy people don’t feel jealous or bean-count when someone else takes a great vacation. They say bon voyage and go about their day.

[Anonymous]

OP, three things:

1. Perhaps SIL let your mom know of their. future plans so she could really enjoy this Christmas and not feel blindsided. ( ex “Oh I always wanted to recreate xyz memory or photo.” And knowing the change in plans she could)

2. Why do your siblings only get together one time a year? It seems strange that the cousins only see one another one time every year all together when they live relatively close to one another. You said two local sibs with kids, you are four hours away, and childless sib in Seattle. Are you the one not getting together with the others and this is the only time of year YOUR children come visit Granny when the other local-ish cousins are home?

3. What holidays do you spend with your husband’s family?