Sister in law told my elderly mother this is the last Christmas she’ll see their family

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You clearly are upset with the disconnect you feel with your brother. He's weak and makes little effort to connect with his own family, so sil has to do all the management of that. She's not the problem and there's nothing that you describe here that is rude or offensive.

Address what the real issue is, that your brother has shown repeatedly that you guys aren't worth the trouble to maintain a good connection. Then address that however you feel is best, either through a conversation with your brother, in therapy, or through simple acceptance that you don't have the relationship with him that you wished you had.

Where do you get of insulting the brother? We have no idea if he can't stand the lot of them and wishes he had a different family. Maybe they were abusive to him growing up. We just know from what op has posted and they clearly are a rigid, dysfunctional family.

See we both can do it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

Where is the demand? The post said the SIL announced they would be going on vacation next year and for the foreseeable future and that her mother was very sad.

OP is clutching her pearls and guilt tripping her SIL about not being there. She and her mother are making Christmas mandatory. It's pretty demanding.

[Anonymous]

And this is why i want to "summer vacation Grandma" and not "Christmas grandma." Lots more flexibility to plan time with the grandkids if you have a 3 month window.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You clearly are upset with the disconnect you feel with your brother. He's weak and makes little effort to connect with his own family, so sil has to do all the management of that. She's not the problem and there's nothing that you describe here that is rude or offensive.

Address what the real issue is, that your brother has shown repeatedly that you guys aren't worth the trouble to maintain a good connection. Then address that however you feel is best, either through a conversation with your brother, in therapy, or through simple acceptance that you don't have the relationship with him that you wished you had.

Where do you get of insulting the brother? We have no idea if he can't stand the lot of them and wishes he had a different family. Maybe they were abusive to him growing up. We just know from what op has posted and they clearly are a rigid, dysfunctional family.

See we both can do it.

You're missing the point of my post. The point is the op is upset about the disconnect with her brother and blaming the sil when there is actually no reason to do so. It's just easier to vilify the woman than confront the fact that your brother doesn't want to spend time with you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:And this is why i want to "summer vacation Grandma" and not "Christmas grandma." Lots more flexibility to plan time with the grandkids if you have a 3 month window.

Sure, it's not like you could see them more than once a year. That would be enmeshed.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:This seems so overblown by everyone. SIL had no idea what she will really do for the next 10 years. She could have just mentioned “we may travel next year.” Grandma can see the kids at other times. You can do Xmas on a different day.

This is sort of funny to me, because I just told my MIL on Xmas day that we will be traveling for Easter so I plan to host Easter at our house the weekend before. I wonder if some family member is posting about how horrible I am?? I doubt it, because none of us are wackadoodle.

The op was explicit that SIL said this was the last Christmas because they would be vacationing next year and in the future moving for are. I’m not sure why people are inventing other conversations when that’s what the op is reporting was said. She was the one who was actually there.

Yes, I’m saying SIL made this overblown assuming an accurate narrator. SIL could have dialed back the dramatics, because she has no idea what might happen. But I also think OP is making this overblown as well. Grandma has lots of ways to see her grandkids.

And they have 364 days out of the year to take vacations. Grandma does not actually have lots of ways to see all of her kids and grandkids together. She has literally one time of year that happens. Christmas or Christmas Eve. That’s it. And maybe Christmas doesn’t mean anything to you non-Christians but it means a great deal to my devout mother.

And? Your mother doesn’t get to run the entire family, just because she’s old and devout. She’s not the Queen if England.

Only on DCUM is inviting your children for Christmas "running the entire family." Especially when the family already accommodated by celebrating on December 23 so SIL could have both Christmas Eve and Day with her family.

An invitation is something that you can accept or decline. This is a demand.

Where is the demand? The post said the SIL announced they would be going on vacation next year and for the foreseeable future and that her mother was very sad.

OP is clutching her pearls and guilt tripping her SIL about not being there. She and her mother are making Christmas mandatory. It's pretty demanding.

Where in the OP or anywhere else is it stated that the MIL is making Christmas mandatory? It was said that they celebrated a day early so the SIL could be with her family on both Christmas Eve and Christmas day, then SIL announced that they would not be doing any Christmas with the OP's family for the foreseeable future, and the OP's mother was sad.

[Anonymous]

Sounds to me that SIL wants out of the obligation to celebrate Christmas every year with her husband’s family. I can relate to that and it sounds like SIL did her time and is trying to break this tradition respectfully and with kindness.

OP, read the room. Do you really want to be the jerk who’s telling everyone how they need to spend their holiday? I’ve never understood people who would want to require attendance of others who clearly do not want to be there.

[Anonymous]

OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, this is not the right venue for a sympathetic ear. Remember, DCUM is filled with women just like your SIL. they are going to empathize with her here, and not you, because they hate their ILs too.

OP, is your mother/extended family less well off than SIL's? If so, that is your answer right there. SIL is not trying to have middle class Christmas while all the school Joneses are Christmasing in Palm Beach. There isn't any way to slice it, you've lost, a primary feature of UMC people is that family only matters when the family is equally rich or willing to spend to look it, or richer and willing to share fringe benefits (like invitations to ski or beach houses). Then, its "family is everything" otherwise, it is "family is awful, unsupportive and dysfunctional and we cannot bear to spend another holiday with them."

Good luck,

Another jealous harpy. Can’t stand it when anyone else is wealthier, prettier, more in-demand. Which must happen a lot.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Was this out of line?

SIL told my mother this is the last Christmas or Christmas Eve (or even Christmas Eve Eve) she’ll see them and their two kids as they’re planning family vacations next year and moving forward.

This is a thing at the private school their kids go to, so they are dropping out of participating in Christmas with our family; a tradition going back 20 plus years of all of us getting together for Christmas Eve or Christmas Eve Eve. Brother and SIL live near my mother, so no travel involved.

My mom was so sad. Can’t help but think how many more Christmases does she have left. They can’t go on their vacation a day or two later?

People are living very long lives so others can't put their lives on hold. As long as your mom gets to see them any time of the year, she should consider it Christmas. She doesn't have to like it but if she loves them so much, she should be able to understand that its not just about her, other people also have wants, preferences and opinions. Be gracious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Orthodox eastern Christians celebrate Christmas on Jan 7.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

An invitation is nice. Pouting and whining and gossiping on DCUM when someone dares not to accept your family’s invitation is immature and reveals your desire to control. Welcome to the real world.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What a terrible lesson to teach her children. Keeping up with the joneses and materialism and bragging rights is more important than family.

What a terrible lesson it would be to teach her children to give in to whims of controlling people when they are behaving selfishly. She is teaching them how to stand up for themselves.

Inviting someone to Christmas is behaving selfishly? Welcome to planet DCUM.

Inviting and enforcing are two different things. If they don't want to come, emotional blackmail is selfish.