please explain to ME like I am five why in the world and intelligent and driven woman would walk away from an NIH research job she worked towards her whole life, to scrape for something in a rural area, because her baby DH refuses to take responsibility for his own emotions? |
There is only one NIH. At every level, these jobs rarely have openings and competition for them is SAVAGE. You have no idea. It’s entirely possible that the right job for OP only appears 1-2 times in a lifetime. If she’s in it now, and is serious and successful, there is absolutely no way she should leave for a lifestyle. This is needs vs wants. |
+1. They have no clue. And even if OP doesn’t have such an important job, a mid-career job that you’ve worked to get to is not something to just throw away. |
you’re absurd. PP is *literally curing cancer.* |
Didn't read the whole post, but can you finally buy a second home somewhere in the country where he can spend summers, even a tiny cabin that needs to be fixed up? A friend bought one recently in PA that was under $100K and they've been fixing it up on their own. You can stay here in DC and travel there on weekends if you want, but he can go there whenever he needs to be "living in the country"? |
Don’t envy you this decision OP. Even if your DH makes a lot of money, moving will permanently limit YOUR career and place you in a one-down position where you are more reliant on him, and might have lifelong resentment. That can poison a marriage as much as his current resentment can. Whoever wins this one, it’s really essential that the other spouse deeply and respectfully acknowledge what the losing spouse is giving up and show true gratitude, empathy and appreciation. If you take each other’s sacrifices for granted you are doomed. |
well yeah, if he started applying to dream jobs outside of DC without coming to some kind of agreement first with OP, that’s a huge problem. With a house and kids, the status quo matters. You don’t just get to decide to upend it to “follow your dreams.” as well, the DH has a lot of options to pursue his passions while being based in DC and he’s rejected then. I kind of think the slow-fade others have suggested makes sense if he’s really insistent and is making the marriage unstable. Let him move, on his own, to the rural paradise with a vague promise from OP to see if she can find a job there. Keep the kids with OP in DC. |
I am sitting here chuckling at the prospect of responses to this post if the genders were reversed: “My H is a career scientist at the NIH and the primary breadwinner, but I just hate the DMV and want us and our ES child move to a small midwestern town. We have a 3% mortgage and no he doesn’t support this idea, and our marriage is already rocky”.
OP would he shut down in a nanosecond. Misogyny is real, folks. |
Yep I’ve been saying the same thing!! Even just gardening here is rewarding with the crazy long growing season. |
to be clear, OP did not say she works at NIH. But she absolutely describes the sort of job you work hard to get that cannot be easily replaced. |
I agree OP should not move and give up a uniquely rewarding and flexible career.
But the PP’s describing DC as some sort of natural paradise? Maybe for you. But for my family the heat and horrendous, unrelenting bugs have made us practically homebound from May-September. We fight over who has to water the hellscape that is the garden over summer. The rest of the year is great, but few people would consider this region ideal for someone who loves to hike, garden, beachcomber or sail |
+1000 OP is crazy if she gives up her dream job! DH is having some kind of midlife crisis that won’t be solved by moving to rural Vermont. There are a lot of local/commuting distance options for having land, etc (I once worked with a guy who had a horse ranch in WV who commuted to DC). The fact that the husband is not open to any of them shows that he is just making excuses and has some impossible fantasy vision of Vermont in his head that is not going to live up to his dreams and would leave her without a fulfilling job, low pay, and stuck somewhere she doesn’t want to live. And, with an already rocky marriage - no way! |
+1 what absurd gaslighting is this? The summers are hot and humid and besides the pool (which isn't nature) there is nothing I want to do outside. Even mornings are already hot and sweaty. And winters are gray and rainy but rarely get fun beautiful snow to play in. Spring and fall are nice. There are places with much better weather obviously. Just a summer that's 10-15 degrees cooler in the summer would mean it's actually nice to be outside. I live here and like the DMV overall. So I'm not a hater. But let's stop pretending it's a natural wonder. |
I live in Western Loudoun and am married to a Vermonter who would also love to move back to the Burlington area, but unfortunately it would cost more for us to buy a comparable home there now. I would really caution anyone from thinking this feels like the "middle of nowhere." Maybe while sitting on our deck in the evenings, but as PPs have mentioned, you can get that many places in the DC area. Our back road is full of brewery/winery/special event traffic on the weekends, and there's a ton of new construction all around Purcellville and Leesburg. Lots of growing pains. I do love it here, and we have a great life, but it's not at all the rural respite it was even 10 years ago. |
If you’re “homebound” in May & June, that’s your deciding. Mosquitoes typically don’t start up here until well into June. And you can hike/bike/swim in the mornings. The heat sucks but you can adapt. |