Husband wants to move out of DMV but my job is here

[Anonymous]

I’d try to compromise and look for a job in another smaller city / college town. See if you can find anything. It’s like everyone’s mind is made up that this is the ONLY job in the world that OP can have.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Surely you can’t be this dumb?

I guess I am this dumb!!! Please explain to me, like I’m five, why a person who is intelligent and driven enough to land a job with the NIH is completely and forever unemployable at any other job anywhere in the world doing literally anything other than the exact job they’re doing right now. I sincerely don’t understand your point.

I trained for 12 years doing a PhD and postdoctoral fellowship to study the immunology of T-cells that invade tumors. I publish, present at conferences and direct my own research team. What would you have me do instead, work at the local Walmart?

So it’s this one specific job, or you must go work at Walmart?

You don’t seem that bright. Proof that a PhD doesn’t necessarily result in a successful or well lived life.

Honestly you’d probably learn more and become a happier person working at Walmart.

[Anonymous]

OP your problem isn’t whether to relocate.

It’s that your DH is unhappy and you don’t seem to notice or care.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. Hope you’re prepared to ONLY have your job in life. You say you love it and that’s important since you’re likely to lose your spouse and best friend. Hope it’s the best job ever!

[Anonymous]

People are saying the OP lives in some congested suburban hellscape, but she said they live “in the city,” not in a suburb. And DC is the best city for nature lovers I’ve ever seen. Her DH could be hiking/climbing/kayaking/rowing — basically getting a total nature bath — every single day if he wanted. Between the Potomac River and shorelines and Rock Creek Park and its connected parks, this place is a natural paradise. All the DCUM people who avail themselves of these federally funded nature playgrounds must be reading this thread and wondering how stupidly miserable and unimaginative her DH must be to be unable to get his nature fix in the DMV. The problem is 100% his. Now I’m going take the dogs out on a 4-mile hike.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem isn’t whether to relocate.

It’s that your DH is unhappy and you don’t seem to notice or care.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. Hope you’re prepared to ONLY have your job in life. You say you love it and that’s important since you’re likely to lose your spouse and best friend. Hope it’s the best job ever!

How about her happiness, she can’t just sacrifice everything for him, especially because the marriage is not great.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Surely you can’t be this dumb?

I guess I am this dumb!!! Please explain to me, like I’m five, why a person who is intelligent and driven enough to land a job with the NIH is completely and forever unemployable at any other job anywhere in the world doing literally anything other than the exact job they’re doing right now. I sincerely don’t understand your point.

I trained for 12 years doing a PhD and postdoctoral fellowship to study the immunology of T-cells that invade tumors. I publish, present at conferences and direct my own research team. What would you have me do instead, work at the local Walmart?

So it’s this one specific job, or you must go work at Walmart?

You don’t seem that bright. Proof that a PhD doesn’t necessarily result in a successful or well lived life.

Honestly you’d probably learn more and become a happier person working at Walmart.

I am a very happy person and successful at my job contributing meaningfully to science. Feel free to stock shelves if that’s what you want to do.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Oh sure, maybe off the job tree that grows in every rural community across the country. Tons of fulfilling jobs on those rural job trees. Just go pick what you want from it.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

:D I mean she has yet to land a job out of bumblef*ck or launch a business in bumblef*ck, but she thinks it should be sooo easy to make $150k there. Lol

It's sooo easy to make $150k! I don't even work but somehow I still make $150k. Why doesn't OP just do that?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Surely you can’t be this dumb?

I guess I am this dumb!!! Please explain to me, like I’m five, why a person who is intelligent and driven enough to land a job with the NIH is completely and forever unemployable at any other job anywhere in the world doing literally anything other than the exact job they’re doing right now. I sincerely don’t understand your point.

I trained for 12 years doing a PhD and postdoctoral fellowship to study the immunology of T-cells that invade tumors. I publish, present at conferences and direct my own research team. What would you have me do instead, work at the local Walmart?

Okay so this job literally exists only at NIH and is not transferrable anywhere? Like there is nothing similar at Stanford or Harvard Medical School? Or major research universities (state flagships) in various other locations?

Or is your it that it would be very difficult to get those jobs, would have to start from the bottom again, etc.?

Wait, now you think OP and her family should move to Boston or Palo Alto in order to scratch her husband's itch of living in Vermont?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Surely you can’t be this dumb?

I guess I am this dumb!!! Please explain to me, like I’m five, why a person who is intelligent and driven enough to land a job with the NIH is completely and forever unemployable at any other job anywhere in the world doing literally anything other than the exact job they’re doing right now. I sincerely don’t understand your point.

I trained for 12 years doing a PhD and postdoctoral fellowship to study the immunology of T-cells that invade tumors. I publish, present at conferences and direct my own research team. What would you have me do instead, work at the local Walmart?

No, of course not!

You could get a super fulfilling job teaching chemistry at the local high school! Just think how you would be inspiring future generations and giving back to your community.

That's right! So one day they too can be pressured into giving up the dream job they worked so hard for!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem isn’t whether to relocate.

It’s that your DH is unhappy and you don’t seem to notice or care.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. Hope you’re prepared to ONLY have your job in life. You say you love it and that’s important since you’re likely to lose your spouse and best friend. Hope it’s the best job ever!

How about her happiness, she can’t just sacrifice everything for him, especially because the marriage is not great.

And so he should just be miserable for the next 15-20 years?

I don’t think there is an answer here. Rubicon was crossed and one party is going to be really unhappy at the end. Probably the child.

I get the posters saying he needs to make his own happiness here but I also get the posters saying life is too short to live somewhere you don’t want to be.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP your problem isn’t whether to relocate.

It’s that your DH is unhappy and you don’t seem to notice or care.

You’re focusing on the wrong thing. Hope you’re prepared to ONLY have your job in life. You say you love it and that’s important since you’re likely to lose your spouse and best friend. Hope it’s the best job ever!

How about her happiness, she can’t just sacrifice everything for him, especially because the marriage is not great.

And so he should just be miserable for the next 15-20 years?

I don’t think there is an answer here. Rubicon was crossed and one party is going to be really unhappy at the end. Probably the child.

I get the posters saying he needs to make his own happiness here but I also get the posters saying life is too short to live somewhere you don’t want to be.

Sure. But why is OP the one who needs to give up where SHE wants to be here?

You don't get to make it all about you anymore once you marry and have kids. You can't just decide that YOU need to be in the woods, so now everyone needs to be in the woods, all the time, no matter what they want.

I feel like OP is trying to navigate this in the context of a relationship she doesn't feel totally secure in - which I could see arguing for either approach. Quit your job and move to the woods in a leap of faith about the relationship - or hedge and stay put while seeking compromises that won't leave you without the things that DO feel happy and secure. You can't really say either approach is totally right or totally wrong here, can you?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Surely you can’t be this dumb?

I guess I am this dumb!!! Please explain to me, like I’m five, why a person who is intelligent and driven enough to land a job with the NIH is completely and forever unemployable at any other job anywhere in the world doing literally anything other than the exact job they’re doing right now. I sincerely don’t understand your point.

I trained for 12 years doing a PhD and postdoctoral fellowship to study the immunology of T-cells that invade tumors. I publish, present at conferences and direct my own research team. What would you have me do instead, work at the local Walmart?

So it’s this one specific job, or you must go work at Walmart?

You don’t seem that bright. Proof that a PhD doesn’t necessarily result in a successful or well lived life.

Honestly you’d probably learn more and become a happier person working at Walmart.

Ridiculous. If OP is a trained scientist running a research lab those jobs don’t grow on trees and people here will not understand how critical a specific work setting can be. I was team husband before. But if OP is a PhD scientist running a lab then she’s correct that moving will damage her career and probably permanently derail it and his ask is not reasonable right now. OP you should commit to moving to a rural area in retirement.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Why would I give up my highly specialized niche job, with colleagues I love, that pays $200k+/yr plus pension plus TSP + health benefits + security, for doing what - unemployment denial appeals in some rando town! Sorry, no.

Because no job paying only 200k is that great. You’re a government worker. Living in Arlington and working for a government agency isn’t that fun and enjoyable. You simply don’t know any better. I’ll give you the 2.7 percent mortgage but that’s it.

I’d try to improve your attitude because it can’t be helping your marriage. No wonder your husband is looking to get away!

I am not OP, just someone with a similar job. I think you have zero clue about what it took to get my job and what I would be giving up, as well as the ageism/sexism that makes it basically in possible to replace …. for an infantile dream.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm in my mid 50s. Boy, that went fast. By "that", I mean my 20s, 30s, 40s. In the blink of an eye they were over, gone. You get into your 50s and start looking back on where you could have squeezed more enjoyment out of life. How you were so afraid to change, because of how it would look to other people instead of how it would make you feel. How you were afraid to take that chance that one time (such as relocating) that would have been a fork in the road that took you to something better. You can't see it now, but you will.

I would move and try something new.

Alternatively, OP will hit her mid-50s stuck in a low-paying rural job she dislikes, without enough savings for looming retirement and college tuition, and facing aging in a rural locality her children will not want to visit.

Did the OP say that she looked at jobs and could only find low paying unlike-able jobs? I mean, there are good jobs in small towns. Has she even looked?

Highly unlikely the job is anything like what OP has now. There’s a reason people leave rural areas to move to cities like DC for work.

Sure. When you are just out of school, you need a mentor to teach you how to do your job, and you want to be part of an entire infrastructure.
But once you are in your forties, you can kind of do what you want (unless you are in a field that needs a big infrastructure no matter what (ie. Transplant surgeon)).

I’m not sure what planet you are living on. Sure I have enough experience in my 40s to find another job, but you can’t just snap your fingers and get an equivalent job anywhere that replaces my very DC job.

But you can start a business, right? If your spouse agrees to be the sole wage earner for a while and is willing to live anywhere in the country that you want to live as long as it’s not a huge city?
There is really no way that you could possibly find any meaningful work in that situation? I mean, I get it if you are highly trained to do something specific that requires a big infrastructure, but I don’t think that’s what’s going on with OP. I think she is mostly very anxious.

Let’s all just snap our fingers and start a business that will make $230,000 right off the bat. I wonder why no one thought of this before!

Too right! LOL :lol:

Pp here. It’s not really that crazy. I’ve done it. Both my parents did it. My brother did it. People with professional degrees start small businesses making $200k/ yr all of the time.

No, they don’t. And maybe OP doesn’t want to? Why would I want to give up my colleagues and pension to start a business?

Also you don't just "start a business" - are you thinking, like, a retail business? Selling... hot sauce? A cleaning company? A digital marketing firm? A small law practice? Any kind of business = success and happiness? This sounds like a Lifetime movie, not an actual plan.

Almost anyone making $260k in a professional capacity should be able to come up with a job in their 40s making $150k. Not the same money as before, but they don't need the same money - they're moving to a LCOL area. Consulting is an easy one for most DC type jobs. The interesting thing about DC is every has "a job" where they work for someone else. When you leave DC for smaller towns, you find that most people work for themselves. And lots of those people are well educated - they just are more entrepreneurial than DC.

When I left DC, DH and I figured I had 2-5 years at my job in a remote capacity before I would get pushed out, and to this day I have a bunch of back up plans where I know I can make $200k if I got fired. Lucky for me, it's been 10 years and covid happened and normalized my remote situation.

If OP can't think of a single thing to do where she could make $150k in the new place, she's probably vastly overstating the "big job" she has in DC.

Someone working in a cancer lab in NIH isn’t going to be able to do their job in bumblef*ck.

Surely someone working in a cancer lab at NIH is clever enough to possibly get a *different* job?

Oh sure, maybe off the job tree that grows in every rural community across the country. Tons of fulfilling jobs on those rural job trees. Just go pick what you want from it.

Forget it OP. People here don’t understand a science career. You’re barking up the wrong tree posting here.