Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

Oh do shut up. The PP did not mention their church by name there are probably nearly 50 in the DMV area. They are not recruiting if they don’t even say the church name.

Obviously if you don’t want religion then you should avoid mega churches.

What is even the difference between a mega church and a “multi denominational” church, your post makes no sense. If you want to avoid Christianity you need to stick to the Unitarians or some type of humanism group.

-an atheist

So I was the person who wrote the “religious” post. Thank you atheist friend for your support!

This is no PR or fake story (why would I take an hour on a Saturday night to write something made up? Do
you think I have nothing else to do?)

This is my life. Maybe if it hadn’t happened to me I wouldn’t have believed it either. But it did.

BTW, my wife is still not a believer. But she appreciates the many changes that she has seen in my life. And she has also seen first hand the kindness from people from my church. She opened a small business this past year. Even though she never goes to church, a big chunk of my close church friends all showed up on opening day to give her moral support — and also bought some stuff too. She was blown away.

I never said in my post that you have to join a mega church to have the same experience I did. I do not believe that — at all. I was merely describing what has happened to me. But I could imagine many houses of worship providing the same type of experience. I am friends with Orthodox Jews who describe a similarly strong sense of community within their houses of worship.

The point is that religion offers common bonds over something that is much larger than the temporal world — and can result in strong friendships as a result.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I want to say, my DH and I have friends, while we are both somewhat awkward (ADHD, both) but also we drink and live in the city. This is good/bad/neutral depending on your POV, but drinking brings people together. Drinking is also very bad for human bodies, especially if you do it daily for tens of years out of a life expectancy of 70-80.

That's the sort of thing I contemplate. My friends are really good we do vacations, get kids together, create community. We also are mostly functional alchohol abusers with excellent jobs and enough money not to worry.

There are others, above my class, who enjoy the above as well as happiness, health, functional relationships, etc. Raised by actual loving, healthy people. The ones I see jogging when I'm hungover. I am assuming they also have amazing friendships too.

Other factors: living in a place for an amount of time. Taking the initiative to get involved. Joining, being a member of a hobby group. Giving, taking time to give what you can to your community. It's how to meet people, improve yourself, and help others. Even drunks can manage that.

Wow. This is damn fine writing.

[Anonymous]

I know people in my town like this. They seem nice but once you get to know them-STAY AWAY. The wife is a harpy shrew, all the husband does is talk and drink. I’ve tried with them but not anymore.

Invite people over and have a nice night. Fun, engaging…that might be all it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you’ve been at it for a long time, but right now it seems like people are lying low. Due to major stresses and the political environment, no matter what side you’re on.

I have a lot of friends and acquaintances and people just aren’t showing up right now. So much so I’m going to have to meet new people because I’m craving more connection and I’m an introvert!

This was really interesting for me to read because I feel like we are having a social resurgence of a sort. This summer we have spent more time with friends than ever before. Maybe it helps that we're all on the same side, politically, so there's no arguing about anything, just commiserating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a millennial. It’s highly abnormal for a millennial to not have a core group of friends from their hometown, college, and/or grad school. Most later friend groups are off-shoots from those earlier social circles.

Disagree. Here’s how it happened to me

Hometown - I left for college and only stayed in touch with a few HS friends who live on the opposite coast as I do.

College - I hung out in a large group that included my college BF. Many in the group got married after college but I didn’t. If I wanted to remain friends with this group I’d have to marry one of the men or somehow hang with my exBF, his wife and my DH. This is ignoring some of this group to different cities.

20s - I worked a lot and limited ability to meet and make female friends. I do have some friends from my 20s but they have since moved and no one lives remotely close to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I empathize with you but you're projecting a lot of assumptions onto two couples you don't even know. They probably just have enough family and friends and don't yearn for more. They're busy, they're content. Just because you live near someone doesn't mean you're automatic besties.

[Anonymous]

We met some great neighbors when kids were young- close-in, walkable Nova neighborhood.

The ones across the street are like family. But, if we had moved into an area w/out similar age families/kids (we are now almost empty nest or empty nesters)- I could see we would likely be in similar situation since we both have WAH so long we stopped hanging out with work friends and our college friends are all out of the area.

Do your kids play sports? How old are they? It seems a lot of friendships start with some commonality with the kids

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We are non-White, non-Christian immigrants. When we came to this country, it was all about survival for us. We had a few friends from our culture and we were all in the same boat. It was easy because the rules of hospitality, social connection and reciprocity was well defined.

For example, if I invite 10 people from my culture for dinner - they all will show up. If they are coming to my house for the first time they will also bring some small gifts. Then in the next month or two, they will reciprocate with dinner etc. The exclusion does not happen. Every one is sort of included.

But, once these friends moved away and we came to DC, it was really different. We were without any relatives, classmates, grad school people etc. We did ok - just DH and I, but things changed when we had our first kid. We wanted them to have a fully socialized life so that they could fit into both our culture and American culture. We moved from an apartment to a SFH. There we started to host something almost every week. We called our neighbors, more people from our culture, playdates etc.

All the invites were food based. We did not wait for our kids to be invited for a easter egg hunt, or a halloween party, or 4th of july bbq, Friendsgiving, Games nights or play dates. We basically did all of that and invited everyone. And we provided food and asked parents to get other siblings too. My kids had a ball. And I kept throwing my social nets far and wide all the time. Over many years, I have fished out my pearls. A friendship here, a group of firnds there, relatives, neighbors, kids friends etc. I am willing to try everything. Hobbies, religious groups, exercise, vacations, day trips, birthdays, anniversaries etc. My house is set up to host all kinds of events. I have the infrastructure in place. It costs me time and money. It is tiring at times but I show up to other people's life events - birth, anniverasries, death, funeral, illness...and they show up for mine. I am not scared to meet people and invite them. Reciprocity be damned. Most people cannot reciprocate because their lives have dysfunction and they don't know that this dysfunction is in everyone. You just have to bust your back to clean, cook, organize, host...rinse and repeat.

Keep calling people, keep entertaining them, keep including them. You will find some good friends eventually. My kids are out of college now. They lament how hard it is to have friends outside of college. Of course. You will never have that kind of time, same stage of life, endless energy and proximity to each other ever again. So, what do you do? You keep being the organizer of events. You connect with friends and make things happen. You assign tasks to people. You be open to feeding people. You learn to stretch your food dollar by learning how to cook. And you include everyone.

The beauty of this approach is that if you are willing to be open to people and hosting - you will realize that everyone is grateful to be invited because they don't have friends and a place to go. They don't have plans and invitations. They will show up with adequate notice. And if you are willing to accomodate their families as well.

This OP gets it. There is no secret. You make it happen.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I empathize with you but you're projecting a lot of assumptions onto two couples you don't even know. They probably just have enough family and friends and don't yearn for more. They're busy, they're content. Just because you live near someone doesn't mean you're automatic besties.

One of the families, possibly, but seems safe to assume limited as they said they don’t use babysitters. The other family does not have any local friends and doesn’t socialize. I know this because her husband is friends with someone I know and he has talked about how she doesn’t socialize or have any friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I empathize with you but you're projecting a lot of assumptions onto two couples you don't even know. They probably just have enough family and friends and don't yearn for more. They're busy, they're content. Just because you live near someone doesn't mean you're automatic besties.

One of the families, possibly, but seems safe to assume limited as they said they don’t use babysitters. The other family does not have any local friends and doesn’t socialize. I know this because her husband is friends with someone I know and he has talked about how she doesn’t socialize or have any friends.

Okay? It’s very busybody and borderline creepy you’re giving so much mindshare and gossiping about strangers who merely live near you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I empathize with you but you're projecting a lot of assumptions onto two couples you don't even know. They probably just have enough family and friends and don't yearn for more. They're busy, they're content. Just because you live near someone doesn't mean you're automatic besties.

One of the families, possibly, but seems safe to assume limited as they said they don’t use babysitters. The other family does not have any local friends and doesn’t socialize. I know this because her husband is friends with someone I know and he has talked about how she doesn’t socialize or have any friends.

Okay? It’s very busybody and borderline creepy you’re giving so much mindshare and gossiping about strangers who merely live near you.

Perhaps, but I can’t help but focus on it because I think it’s reflective of modern society and the lack of friendships and community.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Did you not play Oregon trail?

The problem isn’t that I had a career in a big city. In fact during that time I had a very active social life and plenty of friends.

Problem is I had kids and now live around families that seemingly do not socialize with anyone else nor do they appear to have any interest in doing so. People leave their house to drive their kids to activities but that is it.

I live near a very nice woman who has young kids and lives across the stress from another seemingly nice woman with young kids. They have never hung out and have lived across the street from each other for 3 years. It’s completely bizarre to me. No need to be best friends, but to not have once invited the other person over or made any effort to get to know each other is strange.

I do think the internet and ability to easily communicate electronically with friends from the past provides a false sense of friendship and prevents people from making new friends and connections. Both the women I mentioned above probably have friends from earlier who they text with and occasionally see. However they don’t have a single friend in their community who they could call to grab lunch.

I hate living this way.

I find it odd that you keep such close tabs on your neighbors. How do you have no idea they're not grabbing lunch without you? My immediate neighbors may know when we host things at our house, if they're paying attention, but they have no idea what my plans for today are since they involve being out of my house.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I find that many people here enjoys excluding other people just because they weren’t born here and speak with an accent. The social environment changed negatively in the last decade. I’d suggest you try joining a hobby club and let things flow.

Or a religious organization.

+1. Best advice by a mile. Even if you're not super into whatever religion you and your husband were raised with, give it another chance, be positive, and I guarantee you will make some new friends. If nothing else, you're going to be surrounded by really nice people an hour or so every week.

I completely agree with this suggestion.

I found myself in a very similar place in 2022. I had a very successful career, money, lots of stuff — but very few real friends. My wife and I do not have children. Our friends from when we were younger all had kids and it was just incredibly hard staying connected with people who were just in a very different place in life. To the extent I had “friends” — my relationships with work colleagues always felt shallow and transactional to some degree.

I want to be clear too — the lack of friends was a BIG problem. I felt like I couldn’t really connect with another human being — even though I was technically more “connected” to people through Facebook, LinkedIn, etc than ever before.

Anyway, a series of very unexpected circumstances led me to start going back to church in May 2023. I had basically considered myself an atheist at that point but decided to give religion another try due to a personal crisis (which was exacerbated by a lack of friends). I had been raised in a Catholic Church that was very rote — go to church, sit through the rituals, try not to fall asleep when the priest talks, never really understand what any of it means. I decided to go to a church that was completely different — a mega church in the suburbs with Christian rock music, all that jazz. It was like going to a foreign land.

And you know what? I tried something different and I liked it! The music was actually quite good, the pastors were very engaging and gave fantastic sermons that had a lot of relevance for my life — and the personal crisis I was experiencing. And then I started to understand some of the serious theology behind Christianity and was blown away by what I was hearing. It was about as different from my experience growing up as I could imagine.

After going there for a few months, I joined a mid week “church group” — it is basically one half Bible study, one half support group. I didn’t know anyone and yet these strangers welcomed me with open arms and tried helping me with my problems in life. It was surreal in some ways — I had been so cynical and jaded about “friends” and now I was meeting the kindest people I had ever encountered in my life. And before long these people introduced me to other people in the church and those people introduced me to other people and so on. Moreover, our church is very diverse and I felt like I was meeting this incredible cross-section of people — people from different countries, different races, different socio-economic backgrounds. In a matter of a few months, I not only had more friends but they looked so different from my prior friends.

Now, I have an entire group of friends, we check in on each other, we bear each others burdens, we celebrate our successes. We also have real conversations all the time — not the surface level stuff that consumes my work friends (“what fancy city did you go visit this summer?” “what new television show are you watching?”). Having a true group of loyal friends like this has improved my mental well-being more than any drug or therapist, changed me as a person, and led me to have so much more happiness, satisfaction, and fulfillment. It’s also led me to want to be a good friend to new people I meet at church. And so the circle is always expanding.

Whatever people say about religion — there is a reason churches and houses of worship have been popular for thousands of years. The community that you can build together is a major factor. Not too long ago, even in this country, it was incredibly common for people to belong to a church, and the community element was a big reason. When you all believe in something bigger than yourself — together — it forms an intense bond.

Again, I was basically an atheist. Three years ago I never would have imagined typing this post. But here I am. My advice is that more people should give it a shot. You might be surprised at the wonderful people that God ends up putting into your life.

I was wondering how this PP managed this long well written post -- until I got to the Mega Church part. Posting PR like this is sickening. It's lying.

OP if you want to go to a church and you are an atheist, you can go to any multi-denominational church or a Unitarian church (where you don't even have to believe in God). These Mega Churches are for being brainwashed and conned, as the fake post above confirms.

Well I found it helpful and gave me food for thought. I feel very isolated and lonely and struggle to make friends despite easily having friends and an active social life up until my 40s.

So what happened to all those people? You had friends until you were 40 so why don't you have those same friends now?

Half my friends are people I've known for decades (and I grew up on the west coast and now live on the east coast). The other half I've known 5+ years. I don't get how you just abandon old friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have one friend that's enough. In my 40s I realized I had no friends like I had growing up or in college/grad school. I just accepted that I had acquaintances and that they did not have the same depth. It was freeing in a way. I think it's just that time of life. In my 50s I made a close friend at work. We are still close friends ten years later and she is the best friend I've ever had and I didn't think I'd ever have a great friendship again, so you never know. My husband has had close friends through the years but really no one right now. I think if you have each other, that's the most important thing. We also do not drink and yes, that's a barrier with some people.

It's a massive barrier. Alcohol is worshipped in our culture. If you drink, you will quickly find yourself isolated. And people either assume you are a recovering alcoholic or just boring.

Oh please. Of our neighborhood group of 15 couples, I'd say at least 5 people don't drink (so 1/6 of the group). Another 10 of us drink occasionally. So only half the group drinks every time we're hanging out. No one cares.