Both my husband and I have no friends

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have one friend that's enough. In my 40s I realized I had no friends like I had growing up or in college/grad school. I just accepted that I had acquaintances and that they did not have the same depth. It was freeing in a way. I think it's just that time of life. In my 50s I made a close friend at work. We are still close friends ten years later and she is the best friend I've ever had and I didn't think I'd ever have a great friendship again, so you never know. My husband has had close friends through the years but really no one right now. I think if you have each other, that's the most important thing. We also do not drink and yes, that's a barrier with some people.

It's a massive barrier. Alcohol is worshipped in our culture. If you drink, you will quickly find yourself isolated. And people either assume you are a recovering alcoholic or just boring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have one friend that's enough. In my 40s I realized I had no friends like I had growing up or in college/grad school. I just accepted that I had acquaintances and that they did not have the same depth. It was freeing in a way. I think it's just that time of life. In my 50s I made a close friend at work. We are still close friends ten years later and she is the best friend I've ever had and I didn't think I'd ever have a great friendship again, so you never know. My husband has had close friends through the years but really no one right now. I think if you have each other, that's the most important thing. We also do not drink and yes, that's a barrier with some people.

How is it freeing to realize you have no friends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A couple ideas:

1. Host a bbq and invite your neighbors.

2. Start a book club with neighbors or parents from your kids’ schools and host monthly meetings.

3. Plan a MNO with all of the moms in your kids’ classroom or sports teams.

4. DH could organize a happy hour with his rec team.

You don’t have to be friends with any of these people to plan these things with them, but maybe by spending more time with them you’ll find someone with whom you click and it will develop into a friendship. If not, at least you have some people to socialize with even if they aren’t great friends.

We have done 3 of 4 of these things (not the book club) and it has helped. We're not close friends but these things develop slowly and don't have to be intense one on one friendships to build some community.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

Living within comfortable driving distance from your hometown and family is not "in your hometown". If for example, you're from rather dreary Akron, Ohio, that would mean living in Columbus, Cleveland, or Pittsburgh. Abandoning your roots and family works out fine for many people, but often, it has depressing consequences -- not just for you, but your entire broader family. Grandparents die earlier when they don't get the joy of nearby grandkids.

Cleveland and Pittsburgh are a couple hours from Akron! I am 4 hours from my parents and 1 hour 20 minutes from my in laws, and it doesn't really feel like we're "close to home" at all. Yes we are close enough to make a day trip to the in-laws and stay overnight, but it's not "come for junior's baseball game" distance for older grandparents, nor can we see them during the work week.

On a day to day basis I really don't think living 2 hours from your hometown is a major antidote for loneliness.

[Anonymous]

Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you two have close family. Are your parents alive?

Because they both abandoned them and moved across the country for soulless careers. Getting college grads to abandon their families to seek jobs in 10 largest major metros has to have been the biggest scam ever pulled. Gutted families, hollowed out entire swaths of the nation, low birth rates because nobody has nearby family to help raise kids, and has led to a loneliness and depression epidemic we will never solve.

Better to stay in their hometowns with dying economies and no prospects of economic stability.

I'd certainly rather make a little less coin and live 30 to 120 minutes from most family than be friendless loners estranged from all family like OP. And I didn't see OP claim she and her husband are even wealthy. They are probably just DC middle class. What is the point of living in a place you're miserable in and don't even make much money in? Depression and isolation literally kills you early.

You have no evidence that OP was happy in her hometown. I’d say she wasn’t happy which is at least part of why she left.

Living within comfortable driving distance from your hometown and family is not "in your hometown". If for example, you're from rather dreary Akron, Ohio, that would mean living in Columbus, Cleveland, or Pittsburgh. Abandoning your roots and family works out fine for many people, but often, it has depressing consequences -- not just for you, but your entire broader family. Grandparents die earlier when they don't get the joy of nearby grandkids.

And none of that was enough to keep OP close or return.

Yeah, it’s over, that ship is sailed. Life isn’t a video game with the ability to reset. So enjoy estrangement and solitude until she and her husband croke. No need for funeral services because nobody will be coming. Pretty sad but you have to live with your choices.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I think if you have one friend that's enough. In my 40s I realized I had no friends like I had growing up or in college/grad school. I just accepted that I had acquaintances and that they did not have the same depth. It was freeing in a way. I think it's just that time of life. In my 50s I made a close friend at work. We are still close friends ten years later and she is the best friend I've ever had and I didn't think I'd ever have a great friendship again, so you never know. My husband has had close friends through the years but really no one right now. I think if you have each other, that's the most important thing. We also do not drink and yes, that's a barrier with some people.

How is it freeing to realize you have no friends?

PP here. It was freeing in that the time I spent with acquaintances was light. I was busy with work and kids. Old friendships were sometimes too dramatic. Everyone's different but my point is thar it was okay during that part of my life. I shared that because I decided not to make it a problem and just accept it and as I said, I did make a close friend a few years later. Circumstances change.

[Anonymous]

The OP's post is old (2023).

I am not religious myself but in studying genealogy it looks to me like small-town life and church communities overcame the "no friends" problem pretty successfully.

Like OP, I haven't been successful at making friends out of acquaintances, fellow volunteers, and coworkers. But I did find a suburb to live in where we felt connected to the town (kids went to public school with the town politicians' kids, we got to see civic improvements impact the town over decades, there are town events to attend each year). And unlike me, who lived in 3 different states from K-12, my kids lived in only one place.

This has been a partial help for not having people to do activities with.

[Anonymous]

OP is a millennial. It’s highly abnormal for a millennial to not have a core group of friends from their hometown, college, and/or grad school. Most later friend groups are off-shoots from those earlier social circles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

+1. Also in college, part of the friendship was being completely open about who you were. As you get older, you are not as open. Perhaps the issue is your marriage and you don't want to share details without knowing the person would "get" it. Perhaps your husband is having a hard time at work and that is affecting the household. But you don't want to reveal because it's about your husband and his job. Maybe your kid is having a hard time, etc. The point is, there are so few confidence that are just ours as we get older too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Adult life is about having acquaintances, not deep "best friend" type friendships. By the time you have your own family, that's where the focus is. It's nice to have a lot of acquaintances, though. What most people on this thread describe as not "real" friends seem like perfectly good friendships for an adult with a spouse and kids. "I have some other moms I'm friendly with and some people who I go to bookclub with or participate in the same hobby, we go on walks -- and yet they're not real friends." Yes they are. You need casual companionship and won't ever have a childhood or teen or college dorm type best friend again. If you did, that would be weird.

No, just no.

I am 52, married with kids, and I still have my close friends from 30 years ago. Putting it all on your spouse and children, that’s weird.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who were wondering, neither DH nor I drink. However I don't think any of our acquaintances/friends even knows this. We have not been invited to anything where alcohol would be served. No one ever invites us to do anything either together or separately.

Neither of us is from this area and we moved here when we got married. We also have no local family. We did have college and grad school friends but we both went to different colleges/grad schools that are nowhere near here and our friends all live in different places. I keep in touch with my college/grad school friends by email or text but only see them at school reunions. DH does not keep in touch with any college/grad school friends.

As another example, when we got married we eloped and the main reason was that we had no one to invite to our wedding.

What about your family? All your relatives? Neighbors? Classmates? Coworkers?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. For those who were wondering, neither DH nor I drink. However I don't think any of our acquaintances/friends even knows this. We have not been invited to anything where alcohol would be served. No one ever invites us to do anything either together or separately.

Neither of us is from this area and we moved here when we got married. We also have no local family. We did have college and grad school friends but we both went to different colleges/grad schools that are nowhere near here and our friends all live in different places. I keep in touch with my college/grad school friends by email or text but only see them at school reunions. DH does not keep in touch with any college/grad school friends.

As another example, when we got married we eloped and the main reason was that we had no one to invite to our wedding.

What about your family? All your relatives? Neighbors? Classmates? Coworkers?

This. I am an extreme introvert. I do not have any friends. But if you came to my wedding you would have thought I was the mayor. I come from a large family and DW as well. My best friend who I grew up with. He was the only non direct family person on my side who came. DW who is an extreme introvert had a large contingent. I still remember the wedding 20 years later.

How do 2 extreme introvert and extrovert made it 20 years? No idea. All I know we are madly in love still.

There are hiking groups you can join OP. You can also take dance lessons. I heard salsa dance classes are a great way for both men and women to make new connections.

[Anonymous]

We are non-White, non-Christian immigrants. When we came to this country, it was all about survival for us. We had a few friends from our culture and we were all in the same boat. It was easy because the rules of hospitality, social connection and reciprocity was well defined.

For example, if I invite 10 people from my culture for dinner - they all will show up. If they are coming to my house for the first time they will also bring some small gifts. Then in the next month or two, they will reciprocate with dinner etc. The exclusion does not happen. Every one is sort of included.

But, once these friends moved away and we came to DC, it was really different. We were without any relatives, classmates, grad school people etc. We did ok - just DH and I, but things changed when we had our first kid. We wanted them to have a fully socialized life so that they could fit into both our culture and American culture. We moved from an apartment to a SFH. There we started to host something almost every week. We called our neighbors, more people from our culture, playdates etc.

All the invites were food based. We did not wait for our kids to be invited for a easter egg hunt, or a halloween party, or 4th of july bbq, Friendsgiving, Games nights or play dates. We basically did all of that and invited everyone. And we provided food and asked parents to get other siblings too. My kids had a ball. And I kept throwing my social nets far and wide all the time. Over many years, I have fished out my pearls. A friendship here, a group of firnds there, relatives, neighbors, kids friends etc. I am willing to try everything. Hobbies, religious groups, exercise, vacations, day trips, birthdays, anniversaries etc. My house is set up to host all kinds of events. I have the infrastructure in place. It costs me time and money. It is tiring at times but I show up to other people's life events - birth, anniverasries, death, funeral, illness...and they show up for mine. I am not scared to meet people and invite them. Reciprocity be damned. Most people cannot reciprocate because their lives have dysfunction and they don't know that this dysfunction is in everyone. You just have to bust your back to clean, cook, organize, host...rinse and repeat.

Keep calling people, keep entertaining them, keep including them. You will find some good friends eventually. My kids are out of college now. They lament how hard it is to have friends outside of college. Of course. You will never have that kind of time, same stage of life, endless energy and proximity to each other ever again. So, what do you do? You keep being the organizer of events. You connect with friends and make things happen. You assign tasks to people. You be open to feeding people. You learn to stretch your food dollar by learning how to cook. And you include everyone.

The beauty of this approach is that if you are willing to be open to people and hosting - you will realize that everyone is grateful to be invited because they don't have friends and a place to go. They don't have plans and invitations. They will show up with adequate notice. And if you are willing to accomodate their families as well.

[Anonymous]

Hey Op, it's been two years. Any updates?