How upset would you be? Close friend missing my DD's wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

I read it as the husband rejected the idea of him going alone to that other wedding so that the friend could go to OPs daughter's wedding. Especially if he doesn't even know his wife's coworker.

But that’s part of it. The idea of the husband going alone to a wedding if people he doesn’t know is so silly that it’s unlikely to be the case. The only scenario where that idea would make any sense is if the husband was close to one or of both of them as well. So if we start with the reasonable assumption, that the husband is close enough to the other couple where him going alone would be even a remotely reasonable solution, then it’s reasonable to think that the relationship between Sue/her husband and the other couple may be close enough that everyone here would understand why the other wedding was a priority. When someone’s theory of the situation relies on Sue thinking it appropriate to send her husband alone to a stranger’s wedding, the theory is unlikely to be accurate.

OP having apologized to Sue’s husband makes this even more likely.

But for the fact that the other person was described as OP's, friend's coworker. Not a friend of both the friend and her husband. I can only assume that is the most accurate description of the other person getting married on the same day and not have to make a reach to assume this was actually a very close dear friend of the husband as well.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are in the right. You are right to be hurt. She is wrong. I understand your hurt. Moving forward will be hard. I think polite and cordial, is probably, all you will be able to manage. It might take a year before you feel you don't have to manage your hurt towards her. I understand why you feel you may never be close to her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

That sounds like a perfect resolution. Good job, OP - and I'm sure your friend is feeling a million, zillion times better now, too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

I read it as the husband rejected the idea of him going alone to that other wedding so that the friend could go to OPs daughter's wedding. Especially if he doesn't even know his wife's coworker.

But that’s part of it. The idea of the husband going alone to a wedding if people he doesn’t know is so silly that it’s unlikely to be the case. The only scenario where that idea would make any sense is if the husband was close to one or of both of them as well. So if we start with the reasonable assumption, that the husband is close enough to the other couple where him going alone would be even a remotely reasonable solution, then it’s reasonable to think that the relationship between Sue/her husband and the other couple may be close enough that everyone here would understand why the other wedding was a priority. When someone’s theory of the situation relies on Sue thinking it appropriate to send her husband alone to a stranger’s wedding, the theory is unlikely to be accurate.

OP having apologized to Sue’s husband makes this even more likely.

But for the fact that the other person was described as OP's, friend's coworker. Not a friend of both the friend and her husband. I can only assume that is the most accurate description of the other person getting married on the same day and not have to make a reach to assume this was actually a very close dear friend of the husband as well.

You really think it’s more likely that Sue is a work friend to the bride but doesn’t really know the groom even though Sue introduced them, that Sue thought it would make sense for her husband to go to the other wedding alone even though he doesn’t know either of the people getting married, and that OP felt the need to apologize to Sue’s *husband* for being disappointed that he decided to go to the wedding of strangers over the wedding of OP’s daughter? This really seems more plausible to you than OP having omitted some details that would make clear Sue and her husband also have a close relationship with this other couple, because it makes OP’s situation more sympathetic?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you are in the right. You are right to be hurt. She is wrong. I understand your hurt. Moving forward will be hard. I think polite and cordial, is probably, all you will be able to manage. It might take a year before you feel you don't have to manage your hurt towards her. I understand why you feel you may never be close to her.

LOL, maybe try reading the whole thread before you assuming you know everything.

[Anonymous]

OP, the first thing I did when my own daughter told me she was getting married was look up the school calendar (teaching calendar) where my best friend taught, across the country. IF - IF - IF as a parent you KNOW you will be permitted to invite the people closest to you, you want them there. This is a huge event in the life of those you love and it is every reasonable person's dream to share it. Btw Op, I had a friend hurt me deeply when she said, "oh, whenever the wedding is ... why would I come? The Bride and Groom don't really know me that well."

There was the person I have considered by best friend my entire life. That really hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I want her there because we're close friends. She's part of a tight-knit group of people, and we've been there for each other for close to 25 years. She was planning on coming *before* she learned about the other wedding, so I know she did initially want to come.

But I hear what you all are saying.

I agree I need to take a break from this until well after the wedding. I definitely need time. I'm hurting.

What you are saying would make sense if it was your wedding. It’s your daughter’s though. She feels a personal connection to the bride and groom at the other wedding which trumps feeling a personal connection to the mother of the bride.

What confuses me is that the other person is her friend, from her workplace, and she introduced the couple - but she claims her husband is “putting his foot down” and insisting she go to that wedding? Why would he do that? I’m wondering if OP feels her friend isn’t being transparent.

I think it’s more likely that the friend and her husband have a closer connection to the other couple getting married than OP is willing to admit because it would make her position patently unreasonable.

I read it as the husband rejected the idea of him going alone to that other wedding so that the friend could go to OPs daughter's wedding. Especially if he doesn't even know his wife's coworker.

But that’s part of it. The idea of the husband going alone to a wedding if people he doesn’t know is so silly that it’s unlikely to be the case. The only scenario where that idea would make any sense is if the husband was close to one or of both of them as well. So if we start with the reasonable assumption, that the husband is close enough to the other couple where him going alone would be even a remotely reasonable solution, then it’s reasonable to think that the relationship between Sue/her husband and the other couple may be close enough that everyone here would understand why the other wedding was a priority. When someone’s theory of the situation relies on Sue thinking it appropriate to send her husband alone to a stranger’s wedding, the theory is unlikely to be accurate.

OP having apologized to Sue’s husband makes this even more likely.

But for the fact that the other person was described as OP's, friend's coworker. Not a friend of both the friend and her husband. I can only assume that is the most accurate description of the other person getting married on the same day and not have to make a reach to assume this was actually a very close dear friend of the husband as well.

You really think it’s more likely that Sue is a work friend to the bride but doesn’t really know the groom even though Sue introduced them, that Sue thought it would make sense for her husband to go to the other wedding alone even though he doesn’t know either of the people getting married, and that OP felt the need to apologize to Sue’s *husband* for being disappointed that he decided to go to the wedding of strangers over the wedding of OP’s daughter? This really seems more plausible to you than OP having omitted some details that would make clear Sue and her husband also have a close relationship with this other couple, because it makes OP’s situation more sympathetic?

Of course that's likely, but if we're going to start questioning every detail then we might as well just accuse OP of being a troll and making the whole thing up. Who knows what's true and what's not. She could have easily just said that her friend's friend was getting married same day and there was a conflict. I can also readily buy that a spouses don't know each other's coworkers that well. We either take the OP at face value or we inject our own opinions, biases, and assumptions in. OP can clarify this if she wants.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the first thing I did when my own daughter told me she was getting married was look up the school calendar (teaching calendar) where my best friend taught, across the country. IF - IF - IF as a parent you KNOW you will be permitted to invite the people closest to you, you want them there. This is a huge event in the life of those you love and it is every reasonable person's dream to share it. Btw Op, I had a friend hurt me deeply when she said, "oh, whenever the wedding is ... why would I come? The Bride and Groom don't really know me that well."

There was the person I have considered by best friend my entire life. That really hurt.

Another drama queen.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Not a troll - a long, long-time DCUMer (check with Jeff if you want).

Friend's DH doesn't know the other couple well & probably was nervous about being alone at that wedding. I think Sue only tried to split the baby to try to fix things, but now she and her DH can relax and have fun at the other wedding. I apologized to her DH because I know my friend has been worried & stressed about all this, and also I feel bad that I made Sue's DH feel anxious.

[Anonymous]

OP again. As I said, I didn't come from a social family, so I don't understand a lot of conventions. It's why I didn't invite my friends in the first place. I'm really happy my other friends will be there, and now I'm going to take a nap & have pleasant dreams. My DD is getting married in a week.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

That sounds like a perfect resolution. Good job, OP - and I'm sure your friend is feeling a million, zillion times better now, too.

OP, thank you for being reasonable and sane! I’m actually really glad you missed the trash fire your thread turned into and so glad you and your friend were able to communicate properly! Congrats to your DD; I hope her day is perfect.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, the first thing I did when my own daughter told me she was getting married was look up the school calendar (teaching calendar) where my best friend taught, across the country. IF - IF - IF as a parent you KNOW you will be permitted to invite the people closest to you, you want them there. This is a huge event in the life of those you love and it is every reasonable person's dream to share it. Btw Op, I had a friend hurt me deeply when she said, "oh, whenever the wedding is ... why would I come? The Bride and Groom don't really know me that well."

There was the person I have considered by best friend my entire life. That really hurt.

See, I feel you and OP have the same problem. It’s your dd’s wedding not yours. If the absence is not hurtful to Dd, then let it go sheesh. Glad you saw reason, op!

[Anonymous]

OP, I may be a lone hold out and if you've found peace with this friend situation I'm glad you've found peace. But you had the correct reaction.

Others on DCUM are treating it like it's just a party. No big deal. They are so sad. They are shallow. They do not have the depth to comprehend that this is one of the most significant life events for your family, and they don't care.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I may be a lone hold out and if you've found peace with this friend situation I'm glad you've found peace. But you had the correct reaction.

Others on DCUM are treating it like it's just a party. No big deal. They are so sad. They are shallow. They do not have the depth to comprehend that this is one of the most significant life events for your family, and they don't care.

OP plus 100. Your friend wasn’t very nice and neither were people on DCUM. I got the feeling that “Sue” would know perfectly well that she was letting you down but relied on “OP will always forgive me no matter what”. You might want to examine this friendship a little more closely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OMG - OP here - I left this thread last night at 4 pages and now it's 14! Before I go back and read the last 10 pages (I will read everything), here's an update:

I texted my friend & we met at her house this afternoon. I apologized for my behavior. She was gracious. I acknowledged I'd been far too pushy, and I'd been far too emotional. I'm typically a proponent of "an invitation, not a summons," and I know that now more than ever. We hugged it out, and she's going to be helping me with some wedding favors.

Now I'm off to read what DCUM had to say in the past 12 or so hours. My ears are burning...

That sounds like a perfect resolution. Good job, OP - and I'm sure your friend is feeling a million, zillion times better now, too.

OP, thank you for being reasonable and sane! I’m actually really glad you missed the trash fire your thread turned into and so glad you and your friend were able to communicate properly! Congrats to your DD; I hope her day is perfect.

+ 1 yaaaaaay OP! Great job. People go nuts around weddings (generally! Even my level headed mom!) and I’m impressed you corrected course. Now both of you can have wonderful days. Congratulations to your DD!