Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

This is what OP asked:

"I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

She want to know about the process, how it went and are you happy with it. This is targeted to parents who adopted, not anti-adoption boosters.

Sharing experiences with the process is exactly what people have done, both pro and con. That has included adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth parents/families. Not all experiences are positive and that does not mean they are anti-adoption, it means they have not had a positive experience and described it as such. OP needs to know that.

[Anonymous]

Reading thousands of threads here over the years of bio families/pregnancy /birth I am so, so happy I adopted my 2 kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm adopted. I'm thankful my birth mother gave me life. I know it was difficult for her. She did later take her own life after we had made contact, but before we were to meet. Has also been difficult for my birth father who I have made contact with. He never knew about me and feels he has missed out on so much. While the experience has had it roller coaster of emotions, I'm okay. I had young parents who were not ready to raise me, and adoptive parents who were eager to have and raise a child. I'm thankful for all of them.

I am also grateful for the life I've had. However, your story, and my story, and others still underwrite the need to fully understand the systemic issues. Even though we are OK, there were clearly those in our stories who were not- your birth mother and absolutely your birth father, who never had an option to be your father. Society needs to help the parents who, in someone's opinion "were not ready." What we can't do is decide that other people can be the child's parents because of some societal determination without helping the parents first keep their own child. That is what the discussion is about. We can't turn this into a child selling industry. And I'm saying this as an adoptee who loved her adopted parents, grateful for my life,with no mental health issues.

[Anonymous]

Another happy single mom adopter here. International, from Haiti. It was relatively easy after hearing about how difficult adoption is. I adopted my daughter when she was 2 and we have had 6 wonderful years together.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

This is what OP asked:

"I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

She want to know about the process, how it went and are you happy with it. This is targeted to parents who adopted, not anti-adoption boosters.

Sharing experiences with the process is exactly what people have done, both pro and con. That has included adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth parents/families. Not all experiences are positive and that does not mean they are anti-adoption, it means they have not had a positive experience and described it as such. OP needs to know that.

Many of us have had mixed experiences but talking about an adoption 40-60 years ago has zero relevance and that poster needs a therapist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

This is what OP asked:

"I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

She want to know about the process, how it went and are you happy with it. This is targeted to parents who adopted, not anti-adoption boosters.

Sharing experiences with the process is exactly what people have done, both pro and con. That has included adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth parents/families. Not all experiences are positive and that does not mean they are anti-adoption, it means they have not had a positive experience and described it as such. OP needs to know that.

Many of us have had mixed experiences but talking about an adoption 40-60 years ago has zero relevance and that poster needs a therapist.

Yes, all adoption experiences are relevant to the adoptees. The entire point is exactly this- it's not an experience where the point of view comes from the adoptive parents. At no time now or 60 years ago has the person whose life has been the most affected is ever considered to be the priority. The focus is always the consumer.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

This is what OP asked:

"I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

She want to know about the process, how it went and are you happy with it. This is targeted to parents who adopted, not anti-adoption boosters.

Sharing experiences with the process is exactly what people have done, both pro and con. That has included adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth parents/families. Not all experiences are positive and that does not mean they are anti-adoption, it means they have not had a positive experience and described it as such. OP needs to know that.

Many of us have had mixed experiences but talking about an adoption 40-60 years ago has zero relevance and that poster needs a therapist.

Yes, all adoption experiences are relevant to the adoptees. The entire point is exactly this- it's not an experience where the point of view comes from the adoptive parents. At no time now or 60 years ago has the person whose life has been the most affected is ever considered to be the priority. The focus is always the consumer.

You really need to seek mental health treatment for your mom's trauma. Of course they are considered but that is the responsibility of the agency and birthparents. You cannot put that trauma on the adoptive parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

This is what OP asked:

"I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

She want to know about the process, how it went and are you happy with it. This is targeted to parents who adopted, not anti-adoption boosters.

Sharing experiences with the process is exactly what people have done, both pro and con. That has included adoptees, adoptive parents/family, and birth parents/families. Not all experiences are positive and that does not mean they are anti-adoption, it means they have not had a positive experience and described it as such. OP needs to know that.

Many of us have had mixed experiences but talking about an adoption 40-60 years ago has zero relevance and that poster needs a therapist.

Yes, all adoption experiences are relevant to the adoptees. The entire point is exactly this- it's not an experience where the point of view comes from the adoptive parents. At no time now or 60 years ago has the person whose life has been the most affected is ever considered to be the priority. The focus is always the consumer.

You really need to seek mental health treatment for your mom's trauma. Of course they are considered but that is the responsibility of the agency and birthparents. You cannot put that trauma on the adoptive parents.

Your comment makes no sense. I should seek mental health treatment for my mother's trauma? What does that even mean?

Adoption agencies have the responsibility for the trauma. They are the literal middle man for the transaction. You do realize that, right? They enable the the transaction and seek consumers for this transaction. They represent the adoptive parents, not the birth family. Are you somehow under the impression that they are helping a birth mother? Have you got this "savior" idea in your head?

What exactly is it that you fail to understand here about adoption? Although asking this will likely lead to some other ill informed word salad of nothing relevant,we are all waiting to read your convoluted world view, here.

[Anonymous]

Convoluted world view:

Prospective adoptive parents don't need to know about the history of adoption, the unethical practices that are still employed today, or the cultural issues at play. Prospective adoptive parents should be kept ignorant!

There is no trauma at all in abortion, for anyone! Well, maybe the birth mom, but she's not suitable, obviously. If anyone you know experienced trauma, they must have had a mental illness! If you believe you have observed trauma, you probably have mental problem too, because adoption is always HAPPY!

If you say anything negative about adoption, you are an anti-adoption booster! And probably mentally ill and need therapy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Convoluted world view:

Prospective adoptive parents don't need to know about the history of adoption, the unethical practices that are still employed today, or the cultural issues at play. Prospective adoptive parents should be kept ignorant!

There is no trauma at all in abortion, for anyone! Well, maybe the birth mom, but she's not suitable, obviously. If anyone you know experienced trauma, they must have had a mental illness! If you believe you have observed trauma, you probably have mental problem too, because adoption is always HAPPY!

If you say anything negative about adoption, you are an anti-adoption booster! And probably mentally ill and need therapy.

Go away.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Convoluted world view:

Prospective adoptive parents don't need to know about the history of adoption, the unethical practices that are still employed today, or the cultural issues at play. Prospective adoptive parents should be kept ignorant!

There is no trauma at all in abortion, for anyone! Well, maybe the birth mom, but she's not suitable, obviously. If anyone you know experienced trauma, they must have had a mental illness! If you believe you have observed trauma, you probably have mental problem too, because adoption is always HAPPY!

If you say anything negative about adoption, you are an anti-adoption booster! And probably mentally ill and need therapy.

Go away.

+1, entirely separate issue and start your own thread. That's not something parents who adopted can fix.

[Anonymous]

If you are the anti adoption poster, do you think all adoption is wrong? I agree we should do more to allow people to parent their kids but given all the abused and dead kids I keep reading about you might be better served to try and work with those parents who kept their kids only to be cruel to them. My adopted child’s bio mom was raped. She didn’t want an abortion but knew she couldn’t love this child. She made the right choice for herself and her child in placing her for adoption. The bio Das has no clue, because he was a rapist. We know lots of other adoptive families and none of them have a savior complex, we just love our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are the anti adoption poster, do you think all adoption is wrong? I agree we should do more to allow people to parent their kids but given all the abused and dead kids I keep reading about you might be better served to try and work with those parents who kept their kids only to be cruel to them. My adopted child’s bio mom was raped. She didn’t want an abortion but knew she couldn’t love this child. She made the right choice for herself and her child in placing her for adoption. The bio Das has no clue, because he was a rapist. We know lots of other adoptive families and none of them have a savior complex, we just love our kids.

No, i do not think all adoption is wrong. I have not said that nor has anyone said this in this thread. I also would never describe myself as "anti adoption," and probably not the others either. I wish your family the best!

But the numbers of babies or very young children for adoption is greatly declined, and I think that's a good thing. Families are being preserved. International adoptions are down. Women are just less likely to give up their kids. I think this is a good development overall (just not for people who want to adopt). Meanwhile lots of older kids, many with special needs, and sibling groups in foster care need loving people in their lives.

Adoption in previous generations was sold as "poor infants in need!" When OFTEN (not always) it was really baby snatching from vulnerable women. But the former savior narrative makes everyone feel good.

If aspiring adoptive parents hear "adoption has trauma in it," I would like to know that they appreciate that, want to read more about it, want to do the best they can, rather than "no I can't hear that, God gave me this baby! Love is all we need!"

Really, it didn't have to go in this direction if some PPs here had a hold on reality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you are the anti adoption poster, do you think all adoption is wrong? I agree we should do more to allow people to parent their kids but given all the abused and dead kids I keep reading about you might be better served to try and work with those parents who kept their kids only to be cruel to them. My adopted child’s bio mom was raped. She didn’t want an abortion but knew she couldn’t love this child. She made the right choice for herself and her child in placing her for adoption. The bio Das has no clue, because he was a rapist. We know lots of other adoptive families and none of them have a savior complex, we just love our kids.

No, i do not think all adoption is wrong. I have not said that nor has anyone said this in this thread. I also would never describe myself as "anti adoption," and probably not the others either. I wish your family the best!

But the numbers of babies or very young children for adoption is greatly declined, and I think that's a good thing. Families are being preserved. International adoptions are down. Women are just less likely to give up their kids. I think this is a good development overall (just not for people who want to adopt). Meanwhile lots of older kids, many with special needs, and sibling groups in foster care need loving people in their lives.

Adoption in previous generations was sold as "poor infants in need!" When OFTEN (not always) it was really baby snatching from vulnerable women. But the former savior narrative makes everyone feel good.

If aspiring adoptive parents hear "adoption has trauma in it," I would like to know that they appreciate that, want to read more about it, want to do the best they can, rather than "no I can't hear that, God gave me this baby! Love is all we need!"

Really, it didn't have to go in this direction if some PPs here had a hold on reality.

Start your own thread and get some mental health treatment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you are the anti adoption poster, do you think all adoption is wrong? I agree we should do more to allow people to parent their kids but given all the abused and dead kids I keep reading about you might be better served to try and work with those parents who kept their kids only to be cruel to them. My adopted child’s bio mom was raped. She didn’t want an abortion but knew she couldn’t love this child. She made the right choice for herself and her child in placing her for adoption. The bio Das has no clue, because he was a rapist. We know lots of other adoptive families and none of them have a savior complex, we just love our kids.

My child has a very tragic story. Birthmom made the best choice for everyone, including herself.