Tell me about adoption

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the PPs on this thread who are not actual adoptive parents please stop!!

Respectfully, no.

Thanks, PP. I want to fist bump you, and I’m grateful to you. I gotta drop out of this for the rest of today b/c fighting people who gaslight ME and minimize my mom’s trauma send my own blood pressure spiking. I’ll just say this: adoption loss is not just about parents. The adoptee perspective must ALWAYS be centered, especially adult adoptees, and too often is not. But adoption also impacts extended families. Now that our family is in reunion with both of my sisters, we have all reflected in how much they had lost and how much we all gain now. Sadly, my mom died before ever knowing my 2nd sister. The joy of being sisters now: sharing vacations and birthdays and milestones for our children, is always tempered for me by the grief that my mother’s pain was inescapable since we didn’t find her daughter until soon after she died. I sometimes imagine her kind, loving face, and the smile that might have been in it could she have had her arms around my sisters and know, for just one day, that they were both alive and okay and in that moment, loved.

Thanks to PPs who have shared their voices from other parts of the adoption circle. Wishing wisdom, openness, and kindness for OP in her journey to becoming a parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the PPs on this thread who are not actual adoptive parents please stop!!

OP’s thread title is “Tell me about adoption”. Adoption ruined my mother’s life, brought her to attempt suicide many times and have extensive inpatient hospitalizations throughout my childhood. Her experience is unfortunately very common among relinquishing mothers who were told they were doing the best thing for themselves and for their baby but instead faced a lifetime of anxiety, regret, self-recrimination, and terror. OP needs to understand the coercive practices involved in infant adoption and understand that the full picture is not often ever understood or even considered by adoptive parents, whose experience is, for the most part a joyful one: they got what they wanted. So of course the adoptive parent voices here are almost all vitriolically and viciously awful toward those of us who exhort prospective adoptive parents to consider the adoption industry as a whole and the harm it does.

The adoptive parent perspective is only one small part of the adoption circle. The fact that they are satisfied is a given in most cases other than those where a child’s background or health status has been misrepresented. Some of us are posting here to urge her to seek out adoptee advocacy groups, voices of relinquishing mothers, and vast studies and publications around corruption and coercion in the adoption industry.

How many years ago was your mother's adoption? There are so many other factors to this including pre-existing mental health issues. This is not the situation for every birthmother, just yours. An adoptive parent cannot fix a birthparents mental health.

We have no mental illness in our extended family in general on my mother’s side. My mother experienced not just the initial trauma of relinquishment, not the unrelenting ongoing trauma of, on a daily basis, not knowing if her child is safe or loved or even alive. It is akin to the trauma of having a child kidnapped. It’s not a trauma that you eventually “get over” with therapy like you might a car accident or even a rape. My mother sought out every kinds of treatment available. Her only significant comforts were from support groups of other relinquishing mothers who didn’t gaslight or minimize her trauma, INCLUDING mother who very recently relinquished (for anyone who claims the trauma like this is a thing of the past.) Being brainwashed into believing that you can’t be a good mother and that the best thing you could do in life is give your child the gift of someone else as a parent does a NUMBER on self esteem and ability to parent.

(And frankly, your reflexive response about pre-existing mental health issues reminds me of people who hear of COVID deaths and immediately say, “Well what comorbidities or pre-existing conditions did the dead have, as if that negates the reality that they wouldn’t be dead now if it weren’t for COVID.)

Even if some relinquishing mothers who suffer extreme trauma from adoption HAD pre-existing mental health challenges, would you still be okay with the damages adoption causes? Are you really okay with how the for-profit adoption industry depends upon preying upon the most vulnerable pregnant women, including women with poverty, depression, and low self-esteem?

This is starting to sound like another Peter Dodds, or one of his brethren in mission, thread bombs. His birth mother (MH issues) placed him in a German orphanage for her own reasons and even though she could have taken him back, she did not. Nor did she want any relationship with him later on after he was adopted by an American couple. And the guy has spent a life time being anti adoption, not anti-my-birth-mother-didn't-want-me. The MH problem had been passed to the next generation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

Unless you were adopted, please refrain from sharing your opinion on anything regarding adoption, biological family, DNA, searches, or adoption, period. Not in your purview.

Only adopted children and parents come in contact with adopted children? Very small world view and also not accurate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

As a teacher, please make sure you’re not using “naturally born” in your vocabulary anymore.

I truly hope you are never my child's teacher. Did it occur to you some kids are proud of being adopted and knowing biological family takes away a lot of adoption issues if the biological family is supportive. My child doesn't have to wonder where they came from or who their relatives are. I don't have to worry about them taking my child away from me. My child has no issue saying they are adopted and as a teacher you probably couldn't easily figure out which grandparent or aunt/uncle was from which family as they all have equal status. My child is very interested in his culture and heritage. We fully support it.

Adoption is how they joined the family. It is not their identity.

That’s good. That’s fantastic. But your teacher doesn’t need to hear your birth story. You have no idea how teachers really feel about the constant birth story. Just letting you know. They aren’t going to tell you obviously.

[Anonymous]

Wow. This thread turned really anti adoption. Maybe it needs a new title.

[Anonymous]

I adopted from foster care (2 year old girl) also as a single mom. When i got married my DH and I then adopted a sibling group (2 boys, 1 and 3 years old. ). I had the same social worker each time. And yes, it was free. We took all the courses, and all the follow-ups. We took parenting courses/ As a PP said, you spend time, not money, with the foster care system. The adoption the first time was complete after about 9 months of fostering, and the second time after about 6 months of fostering.

If I had remained single I would not have adopted a second time as I got promoted at work and my time with my daughter was already limited. But with my DH we could enlarge our family and I could work fewer hours. DH had a bio son from a previous marriage so our family was really big after all my dreams of a family of just me and a daughter!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:To all the PPs on this thread who are not actual adoptive parents please stop!!

+++++ 1,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow. This thread turned really anti adoption. Maybe it needs a new title.

No, it turned into what is called the truth and reality of adoption, not the fairy tale business it's been. The title is perfect..." Tell me about adoption"

People did.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

Did you read the original post?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As a teacher I have contact with many adopted older kids. I think it would help if there was not such a push to proclaim adoption status and look for bio parents. There are plenty of naturally born children who do not know every detail of their parents and ancestors lives … and they are going very well in life. Making it an issue is just that: making it an issue. I’m sure I will get flamed for this. I have had so many students introduced themselves as “Hi I’m Jacob and I’m adopted!” It’s ok but is it really your only identity?

As a teacher, please make sure you’re not using “naturally born” in your vocabulary anymore.

I truly hope you are never my child's teacher. Did it occur to you some kids are proud of being adopted and knowing biological family takes away a lot of adoption issues if the biological family is supportive. My child doesn't have to wonder where they came from or who their relatives are. I don't have to worry about them taking my child away from me. My child has no issue saying they are adopted and as a teacher you probably couldn't easily figure out which grandparent or aunt/uncle was from which family as they all have equal status. My child is very interested in his culture and heritage. We fully support it.

Adoption is how they joined the family. It is not their identity.

That’s good. That’s fantastic. But your teacher doesn’t need to hear your birth story. You have no idea how teachers really feel about the constant birth story. Just letting you know. They aren’t going to tell you obviously.

Kids talk about their families. You don’t have kids if you don’t know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:To all the PPs on this thread who are not actual adoptive parents please stop!!

Respectfully, no.

Thanks, PP. I want to fist bump you, and I’m grateful to you. I gotta drop out of this for the rest of today b/c fighting people who gaslight ME and minimize my mom’s trauma send my own blood pressure spiking. I’ll just say this: adoption loss is not just about parents. The adoptee perspective must ALWAYS be centered, especially adult adoptees, and too often is not. But adoption also impacts extended families. Now that our family is in reunion with both of my sisters, we have all reflected in how much they had lost and how much we all gain now. Sadly, my mom died before ever knowing my 2nd sister. The joy of being sisters now: sharing vacations and birthdays and milestones for our children, is always tempered for me by the grief that my mother’s pain was inescapable since we didn’t find her daughter until soon after she died. I sometimes imagine her kind, loving face, and the smile that might have been in it could she have had her arms around my sisters and know, for just one day, that they were both alive and okay and in that moment, loved.

Thanks to PPs who have shared their voices from other parts of the adoption circle. Wishing wisdom, openness, and kindness for OP in her journey to becoming a parent.

Let it go. You are not helping anyone.

[Anonymous]

I'm adopted. I'm thankful my birth mother gave me life. I know it was difficult for her. She did later take her own life after we had made contact, but before we were to meet. Has also been difficult for my birth father who I have made contact with. He never knew about me and feels he has missed out on so much. While the experience has had it roller coaster of emotions, I'm okay. I had young parents who were not ready to raise me, and adoptive parents who were eager to have and raise a child. I'm thankful for all of them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm adopted. I'm thankful my birth mother gave me life. I know it was difficult for her. She did later take her own life after we had made contact, but before we were to meet. Has also been difficult for my birth father who I have made contact with. He never knew about me and feels he has missed out on so much. While the experience has had it roller coaster of emotions, I'm okay. I had young parents who were not ready to raise me, and adoptive parents who were eager to have and raise a child. I'm thankful for all of them.

I’m sorry for your loss. I’m glad you appreciate all of your parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I just want to point out that there are SEVERAL of us here who are advocating for soap to consider the perspectives of ALL people in the adoption circle (it’s truly more than a triad) with the CHILD at the center, and with adoptive family and first family perspectives in the periphery.

Way too often, prospective adoptees just listen to the experience of adoptive parents. Did it “work” for you? Hoe long did it take? How expensive was it? What problems came up? Are you glad you didn’t?

They don’t consider:
*Adoptee voices
*Substantial research demonstrating significantly higher rates of mental illness and suicide among adopted persons
* criticism of the adoption industry in general
* significant evidence demonstrating that the vast majority of relinquishing mothers are poor woman, often minors, without equitable access to legal reorientation, unbiased counseling, or any alternative to the financial support and health care offered in the adoption contract, with no benefit beyond the initial need for premarital housing and care.
* voices of relinquishing parents
* perspectives of other family members who have a stake in kinship relationships with family members separated from them through adoption.

Jeff can look and see that there is definitely more than one voice here trying to offer a splash of reality. OP wants to know about adoption. I don’t think adoption is always wrong, though it always involves trauma. I do think it is most often coercive and unethical, especially with infant adoption. I have loved ones and dear friends who are wonderful adoptive parents and went into it understanding that adoption is trauma as well as joy, and that adoptive parents who want to do it right need to have a full proctors of the lives and hearts that are connected to the child they choose to love.

You have zero experience directly with adoption and are pretending to be some kind of advocate. OP is asking about how to adopt, not all the issues surrounding it. Start your own thread.

No, OP is actually NOT asking how to adopt. OP is asking "about adoption."

Is there something we missed?

This is what OP asked:

"I seem to not get any answers on infertility forum, so posting here. Anyone can share their experiences with adoption process, how it went and if you are happy with your decision."

She want to know about the process, how it went and are you happy with it. This is targeted to parents who adopted, not anti-adoption boosters.