Reply to When one sibling lives in parents' house

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]You need to move out of your in-law's house. A DIL should not be providing elder care IMO. It will only cause resentment from all sides.[/quote]

Why? [/quote]

This makes zero sense if a daughter or son will not step up.  I did all the care for my MIL.  My husband is very good to me.  Why wouldn't I help him care for his mom when I had the time and flexibility and he didn't?[/quote]

Sure, if the siblings won't step up. I'm speaking of families where the kids/parents are supportive and local. Since DIL lives in the house, does she start taking MIL to the doctor? Is she the keeper/relayer of medical information then? I've witnessed this. The bio kids are pushed out. This Christmas thing notwithstanding, but OP is already making decisions about what happens in IL's own house. What happens if the husband passes and the kids move out? Is she living in the house with the ILs?

This is all fine as a temporary measure while her husband is sick and they are figuring things out, but I would make a plan for the future. [/quote]

I think the reaction all depends on the adult children and their actual willingness to help. I saw this with own MIL's illness.  My husband is one of 5, and the wife of one of his brothers stepped up in a major way.  The parents in law really appreciated it.  My husband was incredibly grateful.  (I was kind of in awe on how SIL is able to seemlessly figure out what was needed and do it).  Another SIL and BIL thought it was good and tried to help where they could.  One brother and his wife were upset.  But did they step up their own actions, particularly the son/brother?  No they did not.  Where the adult children are really willing to roll up their sleeves, I am skeptical there would be disconnect or tension with an in-law who is helping or even leading the helping.  It's when one person steps up but the others don't really know how to, want to, feel guilty not doing it, that they get upset.

This SIL did not visit her brother once in a 2-month hospital visit.  What makes anyone think she's going to step up and actually manage elder care?[/quote]

So, clearly there are some things I disagree with my SIL about.  But I think her reason for not visiting, a nursing infant that she couldn't bring into the hospital, and a pandemic that posed a threat to the infant, is very valid.  I do wish she'd realize that those of us who visited, and now live with her brother have more information about his care, but I don't fault her for not visiting.  Plus with covid we were limited on the number of visitors that could go.

My husband's other two siblings and their spouses are also big sources of help.  Those patterns were set up when SIL lived across the country, and while she hasn't volunteered to take anything on, it's also hard to come into a established system, especially when you're also adjusting your kids to a new city, and have a new baby.  I get that too. [/quote]

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