Reply to SAHM’s - anyone successfully convince DH to support their staying home long term?

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]I work outside the home, but I think all these people dragging you for not going back to work are ridiculous.

That said, I think you need to sit down and REALLY talk through how life will change if you go back to work. And approach this not just with a list of tasks, but a boilerplate schedule. Like, what does it really mean if you have to leave the house by 8am for a commute? How does the morning schedule work? What are each of you doing? What does it look like from 5pm-9pm each night at your house — what has to be done and who is doing it? Who will take off work every time a kid is sick? Assuming he isn’t a jerk, he probably does believe he will pick up the slack — but the reality of how his life changes is likely very foreign to him.

But, you also have to be prepared for him to say that some of what you do could be cut out entirely. He likely won’t be wrong about some of this. I mean who really cares if the girls scout patches are sewn on on time? Why can’t the kids just eat school lunch every day? And who cares if other parents go on the field trips? You need to be prepared for him to negotiate that some of this just doesn’t matter.

My husband and I have a parallel debate on this topic. We outsource everything due to demanding jobs. I basically pay someone for 36 hours a week to be my stay at home wife while I work. This made imminent sense when our kids were young a d then had serious medical issues. I think we should now cut this role and do more ourselves and put that money towards early retirement. My husband is basically like “heck no” — we don’t want to do all this stuff ourselves. And when I really thing about what our schedule would look like without this person and we talk through it — I realize he is right. Sure, we could do all that stuff.
But we would be much more stressed and life would be less fun.[/quote]

Question for you, how did you outsource (or not) the stuff that's hard to outsource. I am thinking of: going to school meetings, doctor appointments. Planning/deciding on out of school activities, making arrangements for vacations and visits to family. Organizing stuff in your home, when no one but you knows how it works best for how you live. Going thru kids clothes/toys to discard/give away, and shopping for the new clothes they need and the toys you know they want for holidays. Planning and prepping for upcoming visits of family or friends to your home.

I was outsourcing housecleaning, gardening, child care (daycare), grocery delivery, all the stuff that makes sense, but I want to attend school meetings and dr appts myself. And do schoolwork and see sports. I don't feel like anyone could possibly know my life well enough to arrange my leisure or entertaining ( tho I'm sure celebrities/super rich people make this happen with $$$)

Anyway, I am not trying to challenge you, I think your post is interesting and valuable, but what did you do about these types of things, did you share the mental load?[/quote]

Doctors apts and school meetings? For 10+ year olds? There’s like 4 events there?

Deciding on activities — I’ll ask the kid and sign them up with a glass of wine (for me not the kid)

Trust me a professional organizer will makes things work much better than you ever will; they have seen hundreds of families, you aren’t special.

Toys are pretty age specific, so any adult will likely be able to tackle 90% of that.

Sure you are responsible for entertaining family and friends, or you can just suggest to meet up for dinner somewhere or a vacation spot.

I’m always amused by the molehills of make work SAHMs try to conjure up to justify never having to work again. [/quote]

I don't think I was asking you[/quote]

So I’m the actual poster that said I pay for a stay at home wife and you have good questions. The fact is that I bear more of the mental load while my husband does more of the “labor.” Like, I haven’t taken my kid to the dentist in years. That is my husband’s problem.  But I also hire people that I trust to make decisions. I say “Kid2 wants to do baking, theater and art this summer. Find the camps and book them.” And the person that works for me does this.

And honestly, my kids have had brain surgeries, chemo, etc. I don’t give a crap that I don’t go to the annual doctors visit. My nanny has the paperwork to take them for a strep test, etc. it is fine. I have a very heightened bar for what is an actual problem due to extraordinary medical issues in my kids.

I don’t really prep for people coming to visit other than saying “please make sure you put clean sheets on the bed.” I might make chili which people love and is super easy and I can make it a few days ahead.

I think in general I have a view of parenting that many would see as more paternal than maternal. I don’t sweat all the details.

I hate shopping. The vast majority of my kids clothes have been bought by the grandmothers, which I love. My kid actually just told me this week that she would like to go shopping for her own clothes so I will take her this weekend. But I’ve pretty much avoided this for 10 years.

I also have a kid with profound special needs. We alternate getting up with her since she still sleeps like a baby. We will be changing diapers forever, etc until she goes to a group home. So, my main focus is how to get enough sleep, and not so much whether I have a perfect home.

We are very, very lucky that we can afford an extraordinary amount of help. And I know this.[/quote]

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