Can someone explain the mindset of a cheater?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

Agreed.

That said I'm horny and really really don't want to all my spouse for sex because ... He's my spouse. Would rather go without. That's kind of sad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

The mistake people make is putting monogamy on a pedestal. It's important but it's not natural for most people and all men. It's not a reflection of your worth if he cheats

But I generally agree that marriage is great for raising kids but if you aren't doing that then what's the point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

+1,000,000

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

+1,000,000

Also plus a million. I will never tie myself in any way to a man again. No more kids. No more shared finances. No jointly owned property. No joint professional interests. No living together (always have my own place). And definitely no marriage. I’ll date and sleep with them, maybe even long term, but never be tied to them in a way that I don’t control.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you this clueless in real life too? OK, I'll explain it to you like I'm talking to a child. What do I have? I have an AP and we provide each other with what is missing from our marriages. Sex.
Why don't I tell her? Are you serious? Do you really not understand why I would throw my AP in her face? OK, since you don't seem to have a grasp on reality, I'll spell it out for you. She would react the same as I suspect you would react. And yes, I'm making a few assumptions here. One being that you are female, married, and would not take it so well to find out your husband has an AP. This would also lead to a huge blow-up, her demanding to know who this woman is that has destroyed her marriage, and... oh come on, you know the rest of this story. Why the F would I subject myself to that? That is all besides the fact that I owe it to my AP to not reveal our arrangement, the same as she owes it to me. Lastly, since you really don't get it, I don't want anything to cause my arrangement to end.

NP. You sound so selfish and horrible. You owe your AP loyalty but not your wife? That is true mental gymnastics. I wonder how you would feel if someone treats your daughter the way you treat your wife.

If my hypothetical daughter, as a grown adult treated her husband as her mother treats me, I'd expect no different from her hypothetical husband. I'd still have her back of course, no matter what.

I'm loyal to my wife. I'm not cheating her out of anything she doesn't want. She can resume our sex life anytime she likes and I'd be 100% loyal to her, with a sad farewell to my AP. Again, like talking to a child, what do you not understand about the loyalty I also owe to my AP? The two are mutually exclusive. It's not an either/or situation.

The bigger question is, what took you so damn long to comment, Mrs. What if this happened to your daughter, lady? And right back at you, what if this happened to your son? His wife totally cuts him off. No amount of talking makes any difference. She is done and she is perfectly content with her decision. She doesn't have a problem with it so won't even consider counseling. Marriage be damned. Don't even bring it up again.

What advice would you offer your son? Or would you just toss him some Astro Glide (I know you have some) and a towel and tell him to take care of it himself? You're right, I am a horrible person. I'm in good company here.

No judgment; NP here. How long have you cheated? How is it only sex if DW has decided to never touch you, how can you not dislike DW on some level?

[Anonymous]

Reading you people makes me feel a little better. Like I'm not a freak, and this shit happens. Good to know, and thank you, strangers.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

Exactly. He can cheat on his left hand with his right. Or they can compromise, try counseling, or get divorced. Cheating, bringing nuts and STD's into their lives isn't acceptable.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

The mistake people make is putting monogamy on a pedestal. It's important but it's not natural for most people and all men. It's not a reflection of your worth if he cheats

But I generally agree that marriage is great for raising kids but if you aren't doing that then what's the point

LOL

Right...kind of like other silly morality issues. Simple either stay faithful or stay single.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

Agreed. There is nothing in it for women who have kids, career, friends, family to even live with men. Living with them just entails taking care of them (housework, taking care of kids/family/friends) and then they want to cheat anyway. It's better to just give them what they want which is to sleep with whomever they want and have them live on their own. I think women on here will do well in this scenario.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Are you this clueless in real life too? OK, I'll explain it to you like I'm talking to a child. What do I have? I have an AP and we provide each other with what is missing from our marriages. Sex.
Why don't I tell her? Are you serious? Do you really not understand why I would throw my AP in her face? OK, since you don't seem to have a grasp on reality, I'll spell it out for you. She would react the same as I suspect you would react. And yes, I'm making a few assumptions here. One being that you are female, married, and would not take it so well to find out your husband has an AP. This would also lead to a huge blow-up, her demanding to know who this woman is that has destroyed her marriage, and... oh come on, you know the rest of this story. Why the F would I subject myself to that? That is all besides the fact that I owe it to my AP to not reveal our arrangement, the same as she owes it to me. Lastly, since you really don't get it, I don't want anything to cause my arrangement to end.

NP. You sound so selfish and horrible. You owe your AP loyalty but not your wife? That is true mental gymnastics. I wonder how you would feel if someone treats your daughter the way you treat your wife.

If my hypothetical daughter, as a grown adult treated her husband as her mother treats me, I'd expect no different from her hypothetical husband. I'd still have her back of course, no matter what.

I'm loyal to my wife. I'm not cheating her out of anything she doesn't want. She can resume our sex life anytime she likes and I'd be 100% loyal to her, with a sad farewell to my AP. Again, like talking to a child, what do you not understand about the loyalty I also owe to my AP? The two are mutually exclusive. It's not an either/or situation.

The bigger question is, what took you so damn long to comment, Mrs. What if this happened to your daughter, lady? And right back at you, what if this happened to your son? His wife totally cuts him off. No amount of talking makes any difference. She is done and she is perfectly content with her decision. She doesn't have a problem with it so won't even consider counseling. Marriage be damned. Don't even bring it up again.

What advice would you offer your son? Or would you just toss him some Astro Glide (I know you have some) and a towel and tell him to take care of it himself? You're right, I am a horrible person. I'm in good company here.

No judgment; NP here. How long have you cheated? How is it only sex if DW has decided to never touch you, how can you not dislike DW on some level?

My AP loves her H and I love my W. Been cheating going on 2 years and we have it down. On some level I greatly dislike that she has such callous disregard for the situation but I don't take it out on her anymore. I'm a much happier man for once again having a good sex life. She has every reason to be suspicious, knowing I don't, or didn't accept our sexless marriage and knowing that there has been a big change in me for the better recently while at the same time, I've stopped discussing sex with her. I'm convinced she doesn't want to know and accepts it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Who are you to make the decision for your wife? It's so patronizing for you to say that you know what's good for your wife, and it just conveniently just happens to be what's good for you. /s

You sound like you're rationalizing it and it's just not right thing to do for your wife. Either she'll say go for it and you have permission from her or she will not be happy but at least she has a say in it as well. It's a 1950's attitude toward your wife. It's time to move beyond the 1950's attitudes.

His wife has decided to stay in their marriage and remain sexless. He is giving here exactly what she wants, in the only way possible. If she wanted to divorce, they would be divorced. She has opted out of his sex life and has no more right to vote on what he does sexually. He does not need her permission, no more than she needed his permission to be sexless.

Except one of them is breaking their vows to be faithful. She has every right that he’d not cheat on her and simply pleasure himself.

Exactly. He can cheat on his left hand with his right. Or they can compromise, try counseling, or get divorced. Cheating, bringing nuts and STD's into their lives isn't acceptable.

Your reading comprehension sucks or you would have read that she refuses any counseling, refuses to acknowledge the problem, and refuses to discuss it. Yes, I CAN get divorced and I have chosen not to over this matter. Yes, I could always masturbate. I wouldn't wish that on you as your only sexual outlet but thanks for wishing it on me. She doesn't like nuts so I don't bring her any. She can't catch any STD from me because, once again, we don't have sex. And my AP has only had sex with her H for decades until it stopped so we are both a lot safer than your common single person in the dating world. But thanks for your concern. Thanks for presenting me with all my alternative choices too. What would I do without your wisdom?

[Anonymous]

My AP loves her H and I love my W. Been cheating going on 2 years and we have it down. On some level I greatly dislike that she has such callous disregard for the situation but I don't take it out on her anymore. I'm a much happier man for once again having a good sex life. She has every reason to be suspicious, knowing I don't, or didn't accept our sexless marriage and knowing that there has been a big change in me for the better recently while at the same time, I've stopped discussing sex with her.now I'm convinced she doesn't want to know and accepts it.

I'm convinced you are a narcissistic pig.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

My AP loves her H and I love my W. Been cheating going on 2 years and we have it down. On some level I greatly dislike that she has such callous disregard for the situation but I don't take it out on her anymore. I'm a much happier man for once again having a good sex life. She has every reason to be suspicious, knowing I don't, or didn't accept our sexless marriage and knowing that there has been a big change in me for the better recently while at the same time, I've stopped discussing sex with her.now I'm convinced she doesn't want to know and accepts it.

I'm convinced you are a narcissistic pig.

Agreed. So much entitlement with this guy. Cheating is the only acceptable solution for him because it’s good for him. If you’re a jerk, I guess you never have to worry about doing the right thing. You know, why give women in your life any agency over their life path? Aren’t women put on earth just to please him? Just a super jerk.

[Anonymous]

Cheaters are people who have problems with honesty, transparency, negotiation of conflict, managing boredom, self-criticism/evolution, and empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m a 39 year old divorced mother who is bookmarking this thread. I’ll take a look at it anytime I think of marrying again. There is no value to marriage when you already have your own stability, wealth, and children. So much easier to leave a cheating partner than to untangle a cheating spouse from your life.

+1,000,000

Also plus a million. I will never tie myself in any way to a man again. No more kids. No more shared finances. No jointly owned property. No joint professional interests. No living together (always have my own place). And definitely no marriage. I’ll date and sleep with them, maybe even long term, but never be tied to them in a way that I don’t control.

+1000 to what both of you have written.