I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow, why so negative. It may be hard. It may be unplanned. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you. It will be okay.

I was the unplanned child. It most certainly was not the best thing that happened to anyone. You live in la-la land if you don’t see that this child will have a difficult life. They are now being born into a situation they will have to overcome. That’s not a childhood I would choose for anyone.

The cluelessness on this thread is astounding. Really. Statistically this is the surest way to guarantee a life of poverty for yourself and your child. This is nothing to celebrate. It would be like throwing your kid a party because they tried meth for the first time.

+1

[Anonymous]

In truth, OP, the reality is that terminating, adopting, keeping, etc. is your DD's decision. You can decide how much to help her out, or if it's even feasible to provide what she will need going forward.
Unfortunately, a kid who purposefully or negligently becomes pregnant w/o any plan except depending on her family is totally unprepared for the realities of being parent.

Our society is no longer set up to support this kind of situation-- extended family is often far away, both parents work, the costs of childcare can exceed a rent or mortgage payment. Anyone who becomes pregnant without being self sufficient is going to need government assistance or almost total family support/engagement. If you can't provide that, you need to be upfront about it now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you are heartbroken and justifiably so. But if your DD is intent on having this baby, then you need to move beyond that and think of the child.

If you have the resources, then family counseling might be a good first step. Or even individual counseling if your DD and her father will not go with you. As soon as possible, you need to have a plan to support, but not enable, your DD. Most of all, you need to be present because the baby will need a stable, loving influence. You can be that person. Good luck.

No and no.

Her DD is 18, an adult. Who does not make adult decisions. If DD wants the child it is her responsibility not her mothers, not her fathers and not anyone else's.

This is a recipe for disaster long term. Statistics are not on her DD side.

[Anonymous]

I am really sorry for you OP. I can imagine it feels like your world has been turned upside down. Now all there is to do is to accept what happened and do the best you can.

There's a big difference between accidentally getting pregnant despite taking precautions and foolishly deciding as a teen to get pregnant in order to keep a boyfriend, or thinking it will be fun to have a baby, etc. I really hope it's the former and not the latter case. In any case I agree that you need to give her support but also draw clear boundaries so that you don't enable her unwise choices. I hope she understands she has to bear much financially responsible for this baby as well as have the burden of raising it. I'm so sorry she chose such a hard path for herself and the baby. No matter what though, I'm sure you will love this baby to pieces.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In truth, OP, the reality is that terminating, adopting, keeping, etc. is your DD's decision. You can decide how much to help her out, or if it's even feasible to provide what she will need going forward.
Unfortunately, a kid who purposefully or negligently becomes pregnant w/o any plan except depending on her family is totally unprepared for the realities of being parent.

Our society is no longer set up to support this kind of situation-- extended family is often far away, both parents work, the costs of childcare can exceed a rent or mortgage payment. Anyone who becomes pregnant without being self sufficient is going to need government assistance or almost total family support/engagement. If you can't provide that, you need to be upfront about it now.

Exactly. It is sort of like Op has just found out that she is expecting another child even though she had her tubes tied decades ago and wasn't even having sex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you are heartbroken and justifiably so. But if your DD is intent on having this baby, then you need to move beyond that and think of the child.

If you have the resources, then family counseling might be a good first step. Or even individual counseling if your DD and her father will not go with you. As soon as possible, you need to have a plan to support, but not enable, your DD. Most of all, you need to be present because the baby will need a stable, loving influence. You can be that person. Good luck.

No and no.

Her DD is 18, an adult. Who does not make adult decisions. If DD wants the child it is her responsibility not her mothers, not her fathers and not anyone else's.

This is a recipe for disaster long term. Statistics are not on her DD side.

So your suggestion is to slam the door and tell her DD that she's on her own, "not my doing, not my problem"?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope those of you so 'disgusted' with those of us suggesting, nay, imploring that the teenager have an abortion know that a large number of your female friends, coworkers and even family members have had abortions that you don't know about.

You're casting judgement and it's gross to a lot of people.

+1. All circumstances are different.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

Out of curiosity, what did your teenage husband do to make himself such a good provider? I've got responsible, hardworking teenagers myself and they would be scrimping along just to support themselves much less a stay at home wife and a baby. Heck, when I was 22 and had some college and work experience under my belt I was living paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and I shared a house with two other broke young people. What your husband did was not typical, in fact it is very impressive.

My husband was not a teenager, he was 24 and had been in the military for six years when I met him although he got out within a few months of our getting married. Within a year of getting out he started his own business and that supported us well over the years although we did some sacrificing so that I could be a SAHM which we both strongly believed was important.

It doesn't sound like OP's daughter is dating a young man who is financially stable and ready to provide for her and the baby. In fact a boyfriend wasn't even mentioned...

My friend who got pregnant at 19 ended up living with her parents, going to school and working a part time job waiting tables during the day, and working as an exotic dancer at night to pay for her car and daycare (her parents were far from wealthy and both worked full time, so there was no one at home to care for her baby). She's doing great now, 20 years later - married, great professional career - but it was a very hard road and I wouldn't wish it on anyone.

[Anonymous]

Op mentioned that there is a boyfriend in the picture. He just happens to be a teenage kid, with little/no work experience who is living with his parents. Kids having a kid.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know you are heartbroken and justifiably so. But if your DD is intent on having this baby, then you need to move beyond that and think of the child.

If you have the resources, then family counseling might be a good first step. Or even individual counseling if your DD and her father will not go with you. As soon as possible, you need to have a plan to support, but not enable, your DD. Most of all, you need to be present because the baby will need a stable, loving influence. You can be that person. Good luck.

I agree with this.

I'll share my anecdote of teen pregnancy/parenting that didn't work out well: The daughter of family friends got pregnant at 17. The father was a terrible guy, so bad that teen's grandfather offered to lie in wait to kill him with the reasoning that grandfather had had a good, long life and was ok with dying in prison. That didn't happen, but you get the picture. Teen moved out of her supportive home, bounced around between boyfriend and elsewhere, and over time had three more kids on her own. Parents finally had to tell her they would not support her anymore and I think they also pushed heavily for her to get her tubes tied.

I know of another family that moved across the country to get their daughter away from the baby's father/family.

OP, I definitely think you should get some counseling and see if there are ways to be supportive, but also be able to draw boundaries if your daughter continues to make bad choices.

[Anonymous]

Hope you are doing better today, Op. No doubt this was a tough blow and sometimes it takes a little time for it all to sink in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP- I was the pp who came across as extremely critical of your DD. I'm not in the camp of "this isn't fair to you," - it's not, but as parents, we know that things happen with our kids (either within or not within their control) that aren't fair to their parents.

I think your DD has made an adult decision to have sex, and it seems, has made an adult decision to get pregnant. I'm not sure why-- and if I were you, I would start there.

I think the outcomes are probably rosier if it was an accident and she is otherwise a responsible kid-- if this was purposeful or deliberately neglecting using birth control, then I really do think that you should back off offering a lot of tangible support at this point. If you enable one terrible decision, there may be more to follow.

OP - I actually told her to go live with her father. She took all her stuff and moved in with him. This happened a couple of days ago, and I have not talked to her, because I don't know what to say.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here.

OP, this happened to my sister, who I love dearly, with all of my heart.

Both families (ours and her DH) have some pretty screwed up dynamics - but suffice to say that there was at least some level of financial, physical and emotional support available to them. And it was still freaking hard on them.

She and her husband did the best they could by their kids (they ended up married, with two) - but neither has a college education, and they have worked their butts off to do so. Their financial picture as they age is pretty bleak - they just never caught a good stride financially, because they were always dealing with the expenses of raising a family and, honestly, they never really had a plan, other than deal with the s**t life was throwing at them as it came.

My sister cleaned toilets to help support them, for god's sake... She loves her kids - but I have to tell you, it hurts me to see her struggling and I would have wished better for her, even though that would have meant an abortion and that my nephews maybe wouldn't exist.

As pp have noted, people want to make it all rosy and like a child is always a blessing. But the reality of unplanned pregnancies, without the means to support the child is that it very often results in a lifetime of struggle for all involved (parents, child, and grandparents).

Just some more food for thought on the termination side.

OP - I totally agree and this is what I told her. She thinks she/ they can handle it. I am so mad at her, and I'm pretty sure she is mad at me too. I told her I was done with her and her boyfriend, and if she thinks she is so mature to handle the situation, she can go live with her farther and figure it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP- I was the pp who came across as extremely critical of your DD. I'm not in the camp of "this isn't fair to you," - it's not, but as parents, we know that things happen with our kids (either within or not within their control) that aren't fair to their parents.

I think your DD has made an adult decision to have sex, and it seems, has made an adult decision to get pregnant. I'm not sure why-- and if I were you, I would start there.

I think the outcomes are probably rosier if it was an accident and she is otherwise a responsible kid-- if this was purposeful or deliberately neglecting using birth control, then I really do think that you should back off offering a lot of tangible support at this point. If you enable one terrible decision, there may be more to follow.

OP - I actually told her to go live with her father. She took all her stuff and moved in with him. This happened a couple of days ago, and I have not talked to her, because I don't know what to say.

I think you need some space from your daughter and that's o.k. Let her dad be there for her. You will get to the point where you will be able to be more involved but it may not happen in the very near future.

In the meantime, your daughter is o.k., it's not like you kicked her out into the cold or anything. She is with her dad and he might be able to help her to sort things out.

[Anonymous]

A few things that might be helpful in navigating the conversation:
1-Did your daughter really planned to get pregnant, and is the boyfriend on the same page? If yes, why?
2-How do they envision their life would be like if they keep the child, and what are their plans? If the plan is to live paycheck to paycheck then that is not acceptable living situation for them or the child and is not a good long-term plan.
3-What does the BF's family think about the situation?