I am heartbroken

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

Out of curiosity, what did your teenage husband do to make himself such a good provider? I've got responsible, hardworking teenagers myself and they would be scrimping along just to support themselves much less a stay at home wife and a baby. Heck, when I was 22 and had some college and work experience under my belt I was living paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and I shared a house with two other broke young people. What your husband did was not typical, in fact it is very impressive.

My husband was not a teenager, he was 24 and had been in the military for six years when I met him although he got out within a few months of our getting married. Within a year of getting out he started his own business and that supported us well over the years although we did some sacrificing so that I could be a SAHM which we both strongly believed was important.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

Out of curiosity, what did your teenage husband do to make himself such a good provider? I've got responsible, hardworking teenagers myself and they would be scrimping along just to support themselves much less a stay at home wife and a baby. Heck, when I was 22 and had some college and work experience under my belt I was living paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and I shared a house with two other broke young people. What your husband did was not typical, in fact it is very impressive.

My husband was not a teenager, he was 24 and had been in the military for six years when I met him although he got out within a few months of our getting married. Within a year of getting out he started his own business and that supported us well over the years although we did some sacrificing so that I could be a SAHM which we both strongly believed was important.

It sounds like your husband was an independent young man who was making a decent living when you met him. You must have been pretty mature yourself to take on the care and responsibility of 2 children at such a young age.

I get the impression that Op's daughter and her teenage boyfriend still live at home, have little to no work experience and, while supportive of each other, would be highly dependent on their parents to make this all work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I didn't handle the situation good, I was so mad at her that I told her she can live with her Father. He picked her and all her clothing up that night. I cannot comprehend how she thinks this is a good idea. She does have a boyfriend who is supportive, but no job, no money or place to live (other than with parents). This is the dumbest choice she made (and she made many prior to this). I begged her not to get pregnant when and she promised she wouldn't. Well - that didn't work.

She's a teenager and probably thinks that a baby is about as much work and responsibility as a high maintenance cat. It's completely unfeasible unless family provides for all of her and baby's needs for the foreseeable future.

It is not completely unfeasible. I got pregnant when I was 17 and was able to get a job in an office setting, went to work every day and DS was in daycare. Moved out of my parents house when he was 4 months old.

I think you story is a blessing and so happy it all worked out for you. However, I don't see your story being viable in this area. Daycare costs here are high (atleast several hundred even for private home) and an apartment in a marginal neighborhood is easily around 1K a month. Add to that typical living costs, healthcare, insurance and college tuition.....she'll have to go on govt assistance at a minimum just to scrape by

[Anonymous]

I do love a "i was a teen mom, had a supportive BF who married me and I had the choice to be a stay home mom" story as much as the next person, but seriously NOT TYPICAL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP - I didn't handle the situation good, I was so mad at her that I told her she can live with her Father. He picked her and all her clothing up that night. I cannot comprehend how she thinks this is a good idea. She does have a boyfriend who is supportive, but no job, no money or place to live (other than with parents). This is the dumbest choice she made (and she made many prior to this). I begged her not to get pregnant when and she promised she wouldn't. Well - that didn't work.

She's a teenager and probably thinks that a baby is about as much work and responsibility as a high maintenance cat. It's completely unfeasible unless family provides for all of her and baby's needs for the foreseeable future.

It is not completely unfeasible. I got pregnant when I was 17 and was able to get a job in an office setting, went to work every day and DS was in daycare. Moved out of my parents house when he was 4 months old.

I think you story is a blessing and so happy it all worked out for you. However, I don't see your story being viable in this area. Daycare costs here are high (atleast several hundred even for private home) and an apartment in a marginal neighborhood is easily around 1K a month. Add to that typical living costs, healthcare, insurance and college tuition.....she'll have to go on govt assistance at a minimum just to scrape by

Yep. People with no kids and good starting salaries have to use government assistance to get by.

[Anonymous]

The commenters who are in their 40s and 50s sharing their success stories of being a teen mom should consider that the economy and the job market back when they were in their teens was quite different than it is today.

It is a fact that teen moms who are able to finish their education, get married, and lead productive middle class lives are the EXCEPTION and not the norm. OP's daughter has a very tough road ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I married at 18, celebrate 30 years in a few months. I know many that had kids and married later that are divorced. It’s not all doom and gloom. How many people posting is this thread were born to teen mothers? I bet a bunch.

Me too. Got married at 18, had kids at 19 and 24, was a SAHM for fifteen years, went to college in my 30s, stayed married 25 years, been working in a career field I love for 30 years, my kids turned out great.

I wasn't one of the "poors" either, raised in North Arlington, my dad was an Air Force Colonel, but parents did not need to help us out (although they were supportive) because my husband was a good provider.

Kind of amazing to me that most seem to assume most 18 yr olds are immature and irresponsible by default. Not necessarily the case.

Out of curiosity, what did your teenage husband do to make himself such a good provider? I've got responsible, hardworking teenagers myself and they would be scrimping along just to support themselves much less a stay at home wife and a baby. Heck, when I was 22 and had some college and work experience under my belt I was living paycheck to paycheck barely making ends meet and I shared a house with two other broke young people. What your husband did was not typical, in fact it is very impressive.

My husband was not a teenager, he was 24 and had been in the military for six years when I met him although he got out within a few months of our getting married. Within a year of getting out he started his own business and that supported us well over the years although we did some sacrificing so that I could be a SAHM which we both strongly believed was important.

It sounds like your husband was an independent young man who was making a decent living when you met him. You must have been pretty mature yourself to take on the care and responsibility of 2 children at such a young age.

I get the impression that Op's daughter and her teenage boyfriend still live at home, have little to no work experience and, while supportive of each other, would be highly dependent on their parents to make this all work.

It sounds to me like this PP was young at a very different time if she was a SAHM for 15 years, then college, then a career for 30 years. My parents were not much older when they got married and had me and brother. They had very little to start with, no family help, and yet were able to build a successful life together. But back then, it was considered normal to be married and having kids by your early twenties. Very different from now.

[Anonymous]

The teen moms I know of that managed to do well for themselves had tremendous support from their parents and family. Was it hard at times, yes, but they were able to continue with their educations and build successful careers, because they had help from family with finances and childcare in the early going.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The commenters who are in their 40s and 50s sharing their success stories of being a teen mom should consider that the economy and the job market back when they were in their teens was quite different than it is today.

Correct, there was a recession--so quite a bit worse than today. Plus the internet was just in it's beginnings so there were no real "telework" opportunities like many people have now. No "instagram influencers" or "bloggers" or going on MTV reality shows. The "job market" back then would have been Dairy Queen or McDonalds.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The commenters who are in their 40s and 50s sharing their success stories of being a teen mom should consider that the economy and the job market back when they were in their teens was quite different than it is today.

Correct, there was a recession--so quite a bit worse than today. Plus the internet was just in it's beginnings so there were no real "telework" opportunities like many people have now. No "instagram influencers" or "bloggers" or going on MTV reality shows. The "job market" back then would have been Dairy Queen or McDonalds.

The average teen mom in 2020 is not going to "telework" (doing what, exactly, without any kind of education?) or be an "Instagram influencer" or "blogger." Get real. And back when you were a teen, there were still actual teens working at the minimum wage jobs like Dairy Queen and McDonald's. These days teens are competing with adults for those same jobs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sick of the “babies are the best thing that ever happened” posts.

I had three babies, as a married adult, and it is hard. It’s not the best thing. Parenting is tough, and a woman should really think this shit through. It’s not dressing up a baby and playing house with a boyfriend.

And OP is quite justified in being heartbroken, sad, and angry about this. A teenage pregnancy is not the best thing that has ever happened to her. It’s just not.

She is and it’s not the end of the world.

It’s pretty much the end of the world for the child being born to a life of misery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The commenters who are in their 40s and 50s sharing their success stories of being a teen mom should consider that the economy and the job market back when they were in their teens was quite different than it is today.

Correct, there was a recession--so quite a bit worse than today. Plus the internet was just in it's beginnings so there were no real "telework" opportunities like many people have now. No "instagram influencers" or "bloggers" or going on MTV reality shows. The "job market" back then would have been Dairy Queen or McDonalds.

The average teen mom in 2020 is not going to "telework" (doing what, exactly, without any kind of education?) or be an "Instagram influencer" or "blogger." Get real. And back when you were a teen, there were still actual teens working at the minimum wage jobs like Dairy Queen and McDonald's. These days teens are competing with adults for those same jobs.

There were adults working those jobs then too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do love a "i was a teen mom, had a supportive BF who married me and I had the choice to be a stay home mom" story as much as the next person, but seriously NOT TYPICAL.

That story worked out the way it did because that particular teen mom married a grown man who could support her and her baby. My own mom go married when she was 19 but dad was 8 years older, a college graduate and had a professional job.

Two starry eyed HS kids, living at home with their parents, who have little to no work experience and only a HS education is another ball of wax entirely.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know you are heartbroken and justifiably so. But if your DD is intent on having this baby, then you need to move beyond that and think of the child.

If you have the resources, then family counseling might be a good first step. Or even individual counseling if your DD and her father will not go with you. As soon as possible, you need to have a plan to support, but not enable, your DD. Most of all, you need to be present because the baby will need a stable, loving influence. You can be that person. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wow, why so negative. It may be hard. It may be unplanned. It may be the best thing that ever happened to you. It will be okay.

I was the unplanned child. It most certainly was not the best thing that happened to anyone. You live in la-la land if you don’t see that this child will have a difficult life. They are now being born into a situation they will have to overcome. That’s not a childhood I would choose for anyone.

The cluelessness on this thread is astounding. Really. Statistically this is the surest way to guarantee a life of poverty for yourself and your child. This is nothing to celebrate. It would be like throwing your kid a party because they tried meth for the first time.