Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

Still waiting for OP to answer the bolded question. I think if OP answers that question, it will reveal what's really in his heart.

[Anonymous]

OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, why don't you want another baby?

Because he thinks at 37 he’s too old.
He thinks it’s too much work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

Yes.

[Anonymous]

Are you showing any of this to your wife?
Oh you can’t can you. No one is on your side. Forget the off topic worse than rape person - no one here is with you. Aside from lots of agreement that you have a right to both not want more and to change your mind, these valid viewpoints are relegated to the back seat because no one here thinks you’re a stand up guy who did right by your wife. You think you did not lie but by any objective standard, you did. That’s dishonorable. YOU are dishonorable and the fact that you told her to go to the clinic but have yet again changed your mind proves that (or that you are a troll once and for all),

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP just have another. [i]You are also destroying your family. If you have enough money and time and said you will love the baby, just do it. Maybe put a limit on it (we will try for 6 months,1 year).
I was in a similar situation (minus fertility issues) and convinced/pushed my DH to have a second. This second became the most amazing litttle girl and my DH is totally in love with her (maybe because she looks so much like me ).

I am now pregnant with baby #3.... DH’s idea...

It's not that easy. It's too much work and I don't want to do the work of having a newborn baby that will wake up thru the night. Plus, I'm now 37 and too old for that.

.....and probably cheating. I hope she leaves your selfish butt.

I’ve heard it all. DCUM is so absurd and predictable and the funniest part is the PP thinks this is a totally reasonable thing to write.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

Why is it so hard for her to not add another kid to the family? Jesus Christ. Stop with this sh*t already

[Anonymous]

If the wife was so dead set on having another child, she should never have waited 3 years, especially given her fertility issues. It still isn't clear to me what her age is, but if she's close in age to the husband, that would mean she had baby 1 at age 34? Even people who don't have fertility issues would be foolish to wait 3 years at that age if you're certain you want another. So, she needs to own a substantial share of the blame for "wasting" her fertile years. And when someone goes back and forth and is wishy-washy, he is telling you something very loudly and clearly. If you chose to delude yourself about that message, after you just blew through 3 years of doing nothing to get pregnant, you are the one who needs to take responsibility for wasting those fertile years. It's not much different from 33-yr-old women who keep waiting for their boyfriends of five years to propose. You are the one who chooses whether to stick around or not, so you can't blame him for the fact that you refused to hear his message and kept waiting. This husband "told" his wife everything she needed to know even if he said yes at various points.

I also don't think anybody knows WTH they are talking about when they're young and single and say they want a big family or not. So much of whether more than 2 will actually be something you want depends on things that may or may not happen. The real questions before marriage should probably be something along the lines of whether you are each
* willing to spend all of your savings (and borrow money you don't have) in order to have a baby (so you're okay with struggling financially and maybe never being able to buy a house or pay for your child's college)
* willing to risk that mom might have serious medical problems and be unable to give the care to the existing children or energy to fully enjoy life, all in the hope of having yet another kid?
* willing to have the existing kids get less care because you chose to push the limits and had a child with serious special needs, just because you really, really wanted several kids?
* willing to have your kids take on serious debt or forego great opportunities because you had more kids than you could afford to fully provide for (assuming something goes wrong and you aren't able to earn the level of income you thought you would back when you were 25?)
* willing to live close to poverty in your old age because you spent your money on fertility treatments and raising kids so weren't able to save sufficiently.

It can also work in the opposite way, with someone who thought they just wanted 1-2 later feeling they'd enjoy having more. If I'd won the lottery or somehow ended up with much more money than I have now, so that I could provide kids 3 through 5 with everything I could give to kids 1 and 2, I'd probably have tried for more. And if my parents were in great health and took early retirement to basically help me raise a huge brood, I might have wanted a boatload of kids. Mainly it's the money though because having kids past 35 involves a higher risk that you'll have a child with special needs who might need so much care that you can't work or will need to provide for the child's material needs after you die.

The discussions couples have back when they're naive about the world and unaware of the limitations of their own bodies and minds are just starting points. I really don't think that anybody should hold their partner to anything beyond agreeing to at least trying for one kid. I know some PP disagrees, but the big difference is between having zero kids and 1 kid. Not being willing to bear a child at all is completely different from not being able to bear 3 or 4 or whatever number of kids someone might prefer.

[Anonymous]

Also, it seems they haven’t been contraception. OP said if it happened naturally he’d have the second. Seems what he really objects to is the fertility treatment process but he hasn’t explained why. He’s all over the place. Which is why there’s no chance that he seems honest and trustworthy to his wife. He’s said no to something really really important to her and he can’t explain his POV convincingly. She’s going to conclude he’s selfish and doesn’t really care about her feelings.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Then the marriage is over and she will find another man who will be a father to your son and to their second child.

Signed
Mom of two

You guys are a tough crowd

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

Still waiting for OP to answer the bolded question. I think if OP answers that question, it will reveal what's really in his heart.

I told her if she says yes, I'll go get one tomorrow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

I'm having a hard time seeing it that way. I ask her the same thing. You're willing to lose all of this for something that may not happen?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the wife was so dead set on having another child, she should never have waited 3 years, especially given her fertility issues. It still isn't clear to me what her age is, but if she's close in age to the husband, that would mean she had baby 1 at age 34? Even people who don't have fertility issues would be foolish to wait 3 years at that age if you're certain you want another. So, she needs to own a substantial share of the blame for "wasting" her fertile years. And when someone goes back and forth and is wishy-washy, he is telling you something very loudly and clearly. If you chose to delude yourself about that message, after you just blew through 3 years of doing nothing to get pregnant, you are the one who needs to take responsibility for wasting those fertile years. It's not much different from 33-yr-old women who keep waiting for their boyfriends of five years to propose. You are the one who chooses whether to stick around or not, so you can't blame him for the fact that you refused to hear his message and kept waiting. This husband "told" his wife everything she needed to know even if he said yes at various points.

I also don't think anybody knows WTH they are talking about when they're young and single and say they want a big family or not. So much of whether more than 2 will actually be something you want depends on things that may or may not happen. The real questions before marriage should probably be something along the lines of whether you are each
* willing to spend all of your savings (and borrow money you don't have) in order to have a baby (so you're okay with struggling financially and maybe never being able to buy a house or pay for your child's college)
* willing to risk that mom might have serious medical problems and be unable to give the care to the existing children or energy to fully enjoy life, all in the hope of having yet another kid?
* willing to have the existing kids get less care because you chose to push the limits and had a child with serious special needs, just because you really, really wanted several kids?
* willing to have your kids take on serious debt or forego great opportunities because you had more kids than you could afford to fully provide for (assuming something goes wrong and you aren't able to earn the level of income you thought you would back when you were 25?)
* willing to live close to poverty in your old age because you spent your money on fertility treatments and raising kids so weren't able to save sufficiently.

It can also work in the opposite way, with someone who thought they just wanted 1-2 later feeling they'd enjoy having more. If I'd won the lottery or somehow ended up with much more money than I have now, so that I could provide kids 3 through 5 with everything I could give to kids 1 and 2, I'd probably have tried for more. And if my parents were in great health and took early retirement to basically help me raise a huge brood, I might have wanted a boatload of kids. Mainly it's the money though because having kids past 35 involves a higher risk that you'll have a child with special needs who might need so much care that you can't work or will need to provide for the child's material needs after you die.

The discussions couples have back when they're naive about the world and unaware of the limitations of their own bodies and minds are just starting points. I really don't think that anybody should hold their partner to anything beyond agreeing to at least trying for one kid. I know some PP disagrees, but the big difference is between having zero kids and 1 kid. Not being willing to bear a child at all is completely different from not being able to bear 3 or 4 or whatever number of kids someone might prefer.

So let's blame it all on her. Sure.

[Anonymous]

OP, you are the person here asking for help. Someone has to be the one to stand down, stop fighting for what they want and start trying to strategize and problem-solve as a team. Will it be you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If the wife was so dead set on having another child, she should never have waited 3 years, especially given her fertility issues. It still isn't clear to me what her age is, but if she's close in age to the husband, that would mean she had baby 1 at age 34? Even people who don't have fertility issues would be foolish to wait 3 years at that age if you're certain you want another. So, she needs to own a substantial share of the blame for "wasting" her fertile years. And when someone goes back and forth and is wishy-washy, he is telling you something very loudly and clearly. If you chose to delude yourself about that message, after you just blew through 3 years of doing nothing to get pregnant, you are the one who needs to take responsibility for wasting those fertile years. It's not much different from 33-yr-old women who keep waiting for their boyfriends of five years to propose. You are the one who chooses whether to stick around or not, so you can't blame him for the fact that you refused to hear his message and kept waiting. This husband "told" his wife everything she needed to know even if he said yes at various points.

I also don't think anybody knows WTH they are talking about when they're young and single and say they want a big family or not. So much of whether more than 2 will actually be something you want depends on things that may or may not happen. The real questions before marriage should probably be something along the lines of whether you are each
* willing to spend all of your savings (and borrow money you don't have) in order to have a baby (so you're okay with struggling financially and maybe never being able to buy a house or pay for your child's college)
* willing to risk that mom might have serious medical problems and be unable to give the care to the existing children or energy to fully enjoy life, all in the hope of having yet another kid?
* willing to have the existing kids get less care because you chose to push the limits and had a child with serious special needs, just because you really, really wanted several kids?
* willing to have your kids take on serious debt or forego great opportunities because you had more kids than you could afford to fully provide for (assuming something goes wrong and you aren't able to earn the level of income you thought you would back when you were 25?)
* willing to live close to poverty in your old age because you spent your money on fertility treatments and raising kids so weren't able to save sufficiently.

It can also work in the opposite way, with someone who thought they just wanted 1-2 later feeling they'd enjoy having more. If I'd won the lottery or somehow ended up with much more money than I have now, so that I could provide kids 3 through 5 with everything I could give to kids 1 and 2, I'd probably have tried for more. And if my parents were in great health and took early retirement to basically help me raise a huge brood, I might have wanted a boatload of kids. Mainly it's the money though because having kids past 35 involves a higher risk that you'll have a child with special needs who might need so much care that you can't work or will need to provide for the child's material needs after you die.

The discussions couples have back when they're naive about the world and unaware of the limitations of their own bodies and minds are just starting points. I really don't think that anybody should hold their partner to anything beyond agreeing to at least trying for one kid. I know some PP disagrees, but the big difference is between having zero kids and 1 kid. Not being willing to bear a child at all is completely different from not being able to bear 3 or 4 or whatever number of kids someone might prefer.

Yay! Here’s another wife-blaming loser for OP to hang out with on the weekends he doesn’t have custody of his kid!