Wife wants another child; I do not

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Then the marriage is over and she will find another man who will be a father to your son and to their second child.

Signed
Mom of two

You guys are a tough crowd

I’ve seen it happen. You need to see all possibilities clearly in order to make a decision.

[Anonymous]

OP can be a part-time dad and have a second wife who doesn’t want children. Win-win for OP and his ex.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

Still waiting for OP to answer the bolded question. I think if OP answers that question, it will reveal what's really in his heart.

I told her if she says yes, I'll go get one tomorrow.

Good.

And were you honest with her about why you don't want another child? You said you felt that you were too old to wake up in the middle of the night to deal with a child... that's not really true btw. You're not *that* old. Plenty of older dads have don it (including my own). It's more that you don't want to do it because it's too hard and not worth it to you.

Did you tell her this? If so, what did she say about it?

[Anonymous]

We kind of went through this ourselves.

I never really thought about having kids. DH didn't either.

Then we got married, and I was hitting my mid 30's and thought, well if I'm going to have a kid I should start now.

So we decided to have one. I thought one would be fine.

Then one came, hit 2 years of age and I thought, you know... it would be nice for DC to have a sibling. DC would be lonely as we all get older.

So, I wanted #2. DH didn't. We went back/forth. He said ok. Then I got pregnant, and he wasn't happy. WTF. I asked him why didn't he say something sooner, to which he replied, "I didn't think it would actually happen." Again.. WTF.. I got pregnant so easily with #1 I don't know what made him think I wouldn't easily get pregnant with #2.

And he seemed perfectly happy making the baby. I was upset, ofcourse. Too late now. I was pregnant.

It was tough for the first 3 years. We all know those first few years are hard. We were unhappy. I did think about divorce, though not seriously. I don't know if DH ever thought about divorce, but I knew he loved me.

DC#2 is now 10. And our marriage is stronger than ever.

Just thought I'd share my story with you, and hope that it ends well for you as it did for DH and I.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Very important question to OP --- will you be having a vasectomy to ensure you never have another child?

I really really think you should.

OP - did you answer this question? Or are you avoiding this question because deep down, you think you might get remarried. I know in a previous post (which I asked) you stated that you won't ever remarry, but never say never, right? So, are you not getting the vasectomy because deep down you think you might get remarried and there is a chance that your new wife will want kids and you might be willing to have another?

I seriously don't understand men who won't get a vasectomy but say they absolutely don't want kids.

I know a man who got one because he was really done. They had four kids.

My DH was wiling to get one after our second (he wasn't even gungho on #2), so after #2 came, he definitely was done. Fortunately for him, I had a c-section, so I got my tubes tied. I also knew I was done. I jokingly told him that if he ever wanted another child I would kill him.

Still waiting for OP to answer the bolded question. I think if OP answers that question, it will reveal what's really in his heart.

I told her if she says yes, I'll go get one tomorrow.

Good.

And were you honest with her about why you don't want another child? You said you felt that you were too old to wake up in the middle of the night to deal with a child... that's not really true btw. You're not *that* old. Plenty of older dads have don it (including my own). It's more that you don't want to do it because it's too hard and not worth it to you.

Did you tell her this? If so, what did she say about it?

I told her it's not worth it to have another baby.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

I'm having a hard time seeing it that way. I ask her the same thing. You're willing to lose all of this for something that may not happen?

It is simply not the same - this is her biological need and she never acted or said anything different than that. She has to try it while it's still possible to have more children.
She can have this child and a family with another man. She's ready to lose you, yes, but you are just proving over and over again that you are not compatible with her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

I'm having a hard time seeing it that way. I ask her the same thing. You're willing to lose all of this for something that may not happen?

It is simply not the same - this is her biological need and she never acted or said anything different than that. She has to try it while it's still possible to have more children.
She can have this child and a family with another man. She's ready to lose you, yes, but you are just proving over and over again that you are not compatible with her.

So she needs another child? OK. I'm trying to wrap my head around this but it's difficult.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, you claim you love this woman, why is it so hard to add another kid to the family? Her pregnancy might or might not happen. So for this 50% chance situation you are ready too lose the love of your life?

I'm having a hard time seeing it that way. I ask her the same thing. You're willing to lose all of this for something that may not happen?

It is simply not the same - this is her biological need and she never acted or said anything different than that. She has to try it while it's still possible to have more children.
She can have this child and a family with another man. She's ready to lose you, yes, but you are just proving over and over again that you are not compatible with her.

So she needs another child? OK. I'm trying to wrap my head around this but it's difficult.

You are an idiot. She has said all along she wanted more kids. Why is it difficult for you to understand?? You should leave now and let her get on with her life with someone better. You are horrible for what you did to her, dragging it out and going back and forth on having another kid. Do you not love your child? Don’t you think you would love another just as much?

[Anonymous]

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

I agree maybe OP should’ve been more open but the world is not always so black and white. I can understand maybe hoping his feelings would change or hoping something about the situation would change. I also think it’s crazy that some unborn entity is more important to his wife when there never WAS a guarantee that such entity would come to exist.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

I agree maybe OP should’ve been more open but the world is not always so black and white. I can understand maybe hoping his feelings would change or hoping something about the situation would change. I also think it’s crazy that some unborn entity is more important to his wife when there never WAS a guarantee that such entity would come to exist.

Thank you! I’ve been thinking the same thing. What happened to only needing one no to veto, but needing two yeses to have a baby? Sure, she has the right to leave, but to leave and break up her family for a nonexistent new relationship and an unborn child that doesn’t exist? And with her fertility complications, it might not ever exist. That’s some sideways thinking imo.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

I agree maybe OP should’ve been more open but the world is not always so black and white. I can understand maybe hoping his feelings would change or hoping something about the situation would change. I also think it’s crazy that some unborn entity is more important to his wife when there never WAS a guarantee that such entity would come to exist.

He strung her along for years. He still can change his mind in five or ten years and decide to be a father for the second time with another woman. Her fertility decreased every year and soon, she will not be able to have another child of her own. He knew this!

[Anonymous]

Difference of opinion with regard to another child is what screwed up my marriage. I don’t think the details of my life make any difference, but… long story short… it’s going to screw up your relationship. My advice is – say what you think/feel and stick to it. You can not change her mind, and you will be faulted regardless of what you do. So, stay loyal to you. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

I agree maybe OP should’ve been more open but the world is not always so black and white. I can understand maybe hoping his feelings would change or hoping something about the situation would change. I also think it’s crazy that some unborn entity is more important to his wife when there never WAS a guarantee that such entity would come to exist.

He strung her along for years. He still can change his mind in five or ten years and decide to be a father for the second time with another woman. Her fertility decreased every year and soon, she will not be able to have another child of her own. He knew this!

No one is certain she could’ve had one five years ago. This is so dumb. No one is certain he can father one nownif he wanted either. Everyone wants to implode the marriagenon wild speculation in all directions because ZOMG REPRODUCTIVE NEEDS

[Anonymous]

It’s really crazy, all the PPs trying to convince OP to be cool with another kid. If OP was a woman they’d be going nuts about how it’s her body her choice and what a bastard her partner must be for trying to change her mind.

Um...how is this comparable? Man's body is not effected with child bearing.

[Anonymous]

So she needs another child? OK. I'm trying to wrap my head around this but it's difficult.

The biggest problem is that you approached this subject in a very messy way, constantly changing your mind instead of trying to find some compromise.
The compromise should have been stating that trying for a baby + early baby's years takes a lot from you, but you want her to be happy and have a happy family so you would devote a certain amount of time for this baby project. Instead trying until she's 42 or something like that. But, now I feel like it's too late for that proposal, because she's so disappointed in you and ready to leave, there's no negotiation.