My husband is very stupid

[Anonymous]

If you start trying to help or fix your ADHD'ers mistakes, or even half of them, he will get angry and lash out.

He may also develop anxiety and depression. Ultimately he does not know why he keeps suffering setbacks all the time - either at home or w jobs or both - but over time he usually develops a litany of excuses and victimization theories if left untreated. This is truly a brain disorder, which it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

What adult homeowner doesn't care about crumbs all over the kitchen and milk going bad on the counter? Seriously.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

This is often seen in students with ADHD.

If you're a teacher, please quit.

[Anonymous]

These posts are disgusting. The anger at your spouses is so toxic. Get divorced and stop putting all your anger on your spouse.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:These posts are disgusting. The anger at your spouses is so toxic. Get divorced and stop putting all your anger on your spouse.

Yes suffering from an adult with untreated ADHD in the house is horrible and angering. Your life will be much better separate; you'll still have to manage everything yourself like you are now, but without the continual letdowns. Your kid will start seeing the issues once they are 9 or 10, unless they have ADHD as well. Then it will be a big victim party unless Dad steps up as a positive role model with routines, good habits, and responsive communication.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

This is often seen in students with ADHD.

If you're a teacher, please quit.

You must not have an underachieving child. Or you have one, but think teachers are the problem. Refusal to attempt school work is a pretty classic red flag for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why do these men line up to take on family?

Because they need help and assume wife will do what mom has done. If I’d known all his mom did behind my back, I would never have even dated him.

Because they are lonely. When we met, he was so active in many groups. I thought he was just an extrovert with a lot of spare time and a social activist. I didn’t realize he was keeping himself busy bouncing from activity to activity because he lacked deep friendships. Many of his HS and college buddies ghosted him because their gfs and wives couldn’t tolerate him. He invited just 2 friends to our wedding and only one showed. A year later, that one had vanished as well. I should have paid better attention to this.

Because they think they can be the fun dad. My ex was until the kids got sick of their injuries in his care and being humiliated by his behavior in public. Not normal adolescent shame, but in ES complaining that people stared and other adults chastised him for carelessness.

Because it is a measure of adulthood in our society and also outright expected in some cultures. My ex is Jewish from a Conservadox background. Marriage wasn’t viewed as optional.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you start trying to help or fix your ADHD'ers mistakes, or even half of them, he will get angry and lash out.

He may also develop anxiety and depression. Ultimately he does not know why he keeps suffering setbacks all the time - either at home or w jobs or both - but over time he usually develops a litany of excuses and victimization theories if left untreated. This is truly a brain disorder, which it is.

This is why it is critical to educate people about this disorder. So they recognize it in themselves and so dating partners can recognize it and make an informed choice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you start trying to help or fix your ADHD'ers mistakes, or even half of them, he will get angry and lash out.

He may also develop anxiety and depression. Ultimately he does not know why he keeps suffering setbacks all the time - either at home or w jobs or both - but over time he usually develops a litany of excuses and victimization theories if left untreated. This is truly a brain disorder, which it is.

This is why it is critical to educate people about this disorder. So they recognize it in themselves and so dating partners can recognize it and make an informed choice.

Anxiety and depression are hallmarks of ADHD. I read somewhere there are links to both low serotonin and years of living in a world where they can’t measure up, starting in elementary school. This isn’t their fault, and deserves compassion and understanding, although as you say the ADHD person needs to learn to recognize it in himself. Less desirable coping strategies include defensiveness to the point of lying, passive aggressiveness, and escapism. XDH always thought that if he changed to a new job (usually a highly stressful job completely unsuited to his skill set, thank God he never got these jobs), or we moved to a new house or even to different state (never mind neither of us had jobs lined up to support our two kids in this new state), things would miraculously improve. They wouldn’t, of course, because he’d take himself along.

+1 also to the pp who said the ADHD parent thinks he can be the “fun” parent. In my case this extended to undermining my parenting, for example, I told DS to study for an upcoming test because he had a D in the class, and XDH texted DS to ignore me. It was completely screwed up. When XDH left, he tried to get DS to live with him by buying DS a car (in order to avoid child support), but not even that bait could induce DS to live with him instead of me. DS is now in college, he often thanks me for having expectations, he says he thought at the time that his dad just didn’t care, and he keeps saying he wishes he had a male role model. It was totally screwed up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, today, I asked my husband to de clutter the car. To take everything out so that the cleaners would be able to do a good job. What does he do? Nothing. After he was done, I removed three armfuls of my kids' stuff. This, by the way, is the car that he uses. He asked where that came from, I told him from behind the seat. He is either dumb, or tries to act dumb, either way, I am just fed up. However, I recon that the other men out there come with their own messed up issues.

Yikes.

I have the same examples, daily fro my ADHD husband. He'll say "I'll tidy the kitchen, you put the kids to bed".
20 mins later I'll come downstairs and the counters/tables have crumbs, jam, opened mail, packaging, dry pans not away, etc. I'll ask what happened here, why watching TV when kitchen is a mess on all surface areas. He'll say "he washed some dishes from dinner."

It's like he literally DOES NOT SEE things in the house, and he certainly does not hear anyone well. That's ADHD, possibly in conjunction with having no common sense, being lazy, having a Mom who did everything for him/his brother/his father, etc.

We are constantly doing two steps FW, 1-2 steps backwards with him in the house. I struggle with what to do next as well. I don't think I can take the 18 years of child-rearing with someone making more messes and setbacks for the family. And if something every happened to me, the cards would all fall down.

Yep. The day I gave up was the day he said he was going to clean the kitchen and then, afterwards, invited me in to admire it. There was a quart of milk right in the middle of the counter and crumbs everywhere (we already have ant and mice problems for this reason). I praised him and didn’t point out the milk. But from thereon in, I realized that even his best wasn’t going to get the job done and, if I cared about it, I was going to have to do it. It’s exhausting.

I think the laziness is a form of compensation. They know they won’t ace a job, so they don’t even start it. It’s sad, seen from that perspective.

What adult homeowner doesn't care about crumbs all over the kitchen and milk going bad on the counter? Seriously.

That was my post. Of course he knew in a hypothetical way that crumbs and spoiled milk were bad. The whole point of ADHD, however, is that he gets so distracted that he can’t really “see” them in the moment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why do these men line up to take on family?

Because they need help and assume wife will do what mom has done. If I’d known all his mom did behind my back, I would never have even dated him.

Because they are lonely. When we met, he was so active in many groups. I thought he was just an extrovert with a lot of spare time and a social activist. I didn’t realize he was keeping himself busy bouncing from activity to activity because he lacked deep friendships. Many of his HS and college buddies ghosted him because their gfs and wives couldn’t tolerate him. He invited just 2 friends to our wedding and only one showed. A year later, that one had vanished as well. I should have paid better attention to this.

Because they think they can be the fun dad. My ex was until the kids got sick of their injuries in his care and being humiliated by his behavior in public. Not normal adolescent shame, but in ES complaining that people stared and other adults chastised him for carelessness.

Because it is a measure of adulthood in our society and also outright expected in some cultures. My ex is Jewish from a Conservadox background. Marriage wasn’t viewed as optional.

Well stated. I hear you. Everyone has sympathy for them, but the families who have to live with it are seen as lacking compassion.

[Anonymous]

I think that the movie Mrs. doubtfire was about this kind of husband.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you start trying to help or fix your ADHD'ers mistakes, or even half of them, he will get angry and lash out.

He may also develop anxiety and depression. Ultimately he does not know why he keeps suffering setbacks all the time - either at home or w jobs or both - but over time he usually develops a litany of excuses and victimization theories if left untreated. This is truly a brain disorder, which it is.

This is why it is critical to educate people about this disorder. So they recognize it in themselves and so dating partners can recognize it and make an informed choice.

Anxiety and depression are hallmarks of ADHD. I read somewhere there are links to both low serotonin and years of living in a world where they can’t measure up, starting in elementary school. This isn’t their fault, and deserves compassion and understanding, although as you say the ADHD person needs to learn to recognize it in himself. Less desirable coping strategies include defensiveness to the point of lying, passive aggressiveness, and escapism. XDH always thought that if he changed to a new job (usually a highly stressful job completely unsuited to his skill set, thank God he never got these jobs), or we moved to a new house or even to different state (never mind neither of us had jobs lined up to support our two kids in this new state), things would miraculously improve. They wouldn’t, of course, because he’d take himself along.

+1 also to the pp who said the ADHD parent thinks he can be the “fun” parent. In my case this extended to undermining my parenting, for example, I told DS to study for an upcoming test because he had a D in the class, and XDH texted DS to ignore me. It was completely screwed up. When XDH left, he tried to get DS to live with him by buying DS a car (in order to avoid child support), but not even that bait could induce DS to live with him instead of me. DS is now in college, he often thanks me for having expectations, he says he thought at the time that his dad just didn’t care, and he keeps saying he wishes he had a male role model. It was totally screwed up.

I am the PP for both. Trust me, I know your pain.

[Anonymous]

Maybe your DH needs meds like most people here in dc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe your DH needs meds like most people here in dc.

Meds only work to a limited extent. Don’t marry these guys.